Valentines Day Panic Buying

Posted Sunday, January 30, 2011 by catherine
Where is the Love??? I want to ask that question to cupid. It's just so unfair! Like almost all of my friends have their own special someone to spend the heart's day with and why not me?? Isn't it just shit? There are more or less fifteen days to go before the atmosphere turns red and all punctuation marks and symbols will be replaced by hearts (<3). I just so hate this. How long ago was then when I last spent my Valentine's with someone special? One, two, three; that was three bull shit years ago!!!

Do I really sound so miserable? Wait till you see me wearing all black this V'sDay. I just so feel bitter about that day. Hope everyone will be happy on that very day. All's well. Everything's gonna be fine--for everyone except me. =(

There it is Again :(

Posted Friday, January 28, 2011 by catherine
Because of the cold weather, I just can't help but browse and follow the blogs of my friendships in TN. In my blog hopping quest, I stumbled upon the name which I am struggling to shake away off my system (what system does include the heart especially when it's broken and bleeding?) for a few months now. I admit that our relationship wasn't that splendid as what others think it was. Sometimes, while I am lying flat on my bed and thinking about the things that had happened, I deeply wish that we didn't cross the line of friendship to being lovers--that is if he did ever love me.

That was the summer of 2010. After my TN pipz visited me (that was our fiesta), we started texting each other and started talking about nothings and whatever (though that wasn't the start of our phone conversation). An everyone, I guess, knows what happened next and etcetera.

We both tried to keep things up to us, to keep us together but the effort just drifted us away from each other. He said he was hurt. I don't know if he was telling the truth since we weren't seeing each other. I am hurt-deeply by not seeing him, by him not being there for me whenever I need him. Wonder was far more than what I felt that time and I asked him what brought the change and he would not answer. The effort to reach out always comes from me and somehow, I reached the point of being tired. Tired is an understatement really. HURT can't also fathom half of what I experienced all at once.

When I threw my hands up and gave up, he said he respected my decision and was hurt about what happened but I don't know still if what he said was true. I don't know because I can't see him.

You know what was the sweetest thing that ever happened to us for me? That was when he rushed to our house in May, thinking I was already half-dead for stupidly drinking a bottle of astringent. When he saw me, he nearly jumped to me and hugged me ever so tightly and scolded me like a father to his daughter. I smiled then. And we talked nonsense. When it was time for me to go back to our house, he held my hand and hugged me tightly again, as if he's never gonna let go and looked into my eyes and said "I LOVE YOU".


In my 17 years of lifetime, that was the first time a guy told me he loves me in person. After that night, we keep texting each other and he keeps visiting me at night. We just sit on his motorcycle, look up the sky to gaze at the myriad of stars, admire the moon, and talk nonsense again. I would say that I miss those times. I miss him. I miss us.

But I just so guess that he has already moved on. I am doing my best to move on though--God knows how much I am trying. As of the moment, everything is fine. He's got a girlfriend now, I am still alone, wondering what went wrong and is trying to pick up the shards of my heart from all that life has offered me. Looking back, I'm so glad that I am still alive.

I want to forget him. Everything that we had, and everything that we could have been. I want to be happy. I want to move on. But I guess time heals the wounds. I will recover some time--I hope soon. Because it's too hard to look at couples so happy at this point in time. I just hope and pray this, too, shall pass. Help.

I love you Chocolates

Posted Thursday, January 27, 2011 by catherine
Why would I try to forget chocolates when in fact they have been there for me ever since the world began. Who was there for me when I first got my heart broken over a boyfriend who was four years older than me. That time, I was so childish and selfish while he has his dreams to pursue. Anyways, who was there for me when I had my emotional outbursts at 2am in the morning? How about when I lost my mind over trying to move on and still hasn't, spending Christmas Eve, New year's Eve and my 18th birthday crying.

Get over it? Like never! Though I don't have stocks of chocolate in my cabinet, I would presumably crawl to the nearest relative for choco back up. So who the hell on earth would get me away from my chocolate love?

Angels or Devils

Posted Tuesday, January 25, 2011 by catherine
There are a lot of people who think that they are worth the praise for every good thing that will ever happen to the world. It is as if they own every credit for the improvement of everything and worth to scourge if one is wrong. I HATE PEOPLE WHO THINK HIGH OF THEMSELVES!!!


There is a big difference between professionalism and being educated. You are even very lucky if you have these both. What i think of as very absurd is the very fact that one of the pillars of the society, one who finished a Doctorate degree in philosophy, one who is very much looked up on to, seems to act very unprofessional at some times.

Is it right to condemn the whole publication just because of a simple typographical error on the headline? I even know that the most prestigious and trusted newspapers in the whole world commit the same mistake not just once. What's the use of an "erratum" by the way?

I just hate it how she called us stupid and dull. Though she is very far from us when it comes to educational attainment, I believe that no one ever has a single right to insult anyone even how high she thinks of herself and how low she thinks of the other. Everyone is fair in the eyes of God and even thus the rule of law says that no one is above the law.

Though everything is okay now, I still can't accept the fact that she insulted everyone of us. We were humble enough to accept our fault and we tried to patch things up and she still didn't accept what we proposed. "twas just so impossible! I can't think of it as motherly. I just hate it. This is my blog so I suppose I have very single right to post whatever I feel about the things that are happening around me. This would be all for now. I just hope that she won't do that to others ever again.

NO MORE!!!!!!

Posted Tuesday, January 18, 2011 by catherine
There'll be no more youtube, plurk and facebook in the office starting last night. What would I say? Well, it's okay. In one way or another, it is beneficial for the staffers; so that we'll focus on news scouting, editing, blogging and writing more, and more news articles. That's the purpose of the existence of the publication anyways.

Where will I plurk? I started gaining lots of friends in plurk. But I won't fret, the skylab is open for me to plurk up to my heart's content. With facebook, I can connect with my far-off relatives but I started feeling bored about it then. YOUTUBEing has been very boring for me already because we get to hear the same songs everyday and it somehow makes my ears bleed.

For the improvement of all the staffers, without plurk, facebook, or youtube--YOU CAN COUNT ME IN GUYS!!!!!! I PROMISE TO COOPERATE. =)

always come back to your love

Posted Monday, January 17, 2011 by catherine


If it can't be seen in your screen.... my apologies. Well, this video is my favorite song way back in elementary. Looking back, I remember my first crush before who was Miko Kirk. LOL. He's now in Cebu. I'm suck here in Dumaguete still but it's alright. I love my life now. Thanks for "Always come back to your love" by Samantha Mumba.....=)

Tired 101

Posted Sunday, January 16, 2011 by catherine
I"M TIRED.... CAN ANYONE SPARE ME IN????....

I'm not guilty. So I won't say sorry

Posted Wednesday, January 12, 2011 by catherine
I know I haven't done anything bad so why would I repent? Acting like Ms.Little perfect won't suit me. There are lots of people even committing heinous crimes everyday so why curse only one person. That is what's making everything wrong. Almost all are good in judging people yet they don't look at themselves if they haven't even done the same mistake in their entire lives. Just  because they weren't dragged in the same situation, they already act and come clean as they can be. Hey! like no one in this world is perfect. Don't judge as like you are God. Where's your gavel? your jury? I think ignorance is really your new best friend.

Redundancy Dance over and over again to the nth Time...:)

Posted Monday, January 10, 2011 by catherine
Because I don't know what to blog about, I just would narrate about how happy I am today. One of my major problems in life is already dismissed and that is of a super and major thank you to myself. If not for that, I would have had gotten crazy over this coming days.

The question was really this, why would I be afraid of using peace talks to recover my problems. Lahat naman ay nadadaan sa mabuting usapan. I should have had tried to that before, I should have had saved a whole month of nervous breakdown and psychosomatic self . I couldn't be happy enough. Should I thank my lucky stars? I really want to.

Second, I am very absorbed to writing short stories. Please, give me subjects. My mind is too preoccupied with nothing and it's too embarrassing for a writer like me.

Last na 'to...Promise...:)

Posted by catherine
Why am I scared to write about how I feel in my blog? This is my blog anyways, my private niche of thoughts.

I said last Dec.31, 2010 that I would  already get over him. But that was real denial actually, coz the heart of the mater is that I was still not able to move on. But I was so surprised that the following days, I tried to see the light of things. I saw happiness. Maybe that is happiness. Is it?

Last na to promise. Ive already gotten over. That is why I'm so happy.

Happiness is a choice...so i'm happy...why not?

Posted by catherine
I am now happy. I choose to be happy. Don't ask me why, I just feel so. Don't spoil the feeling. Please don't. If you don't, just stab me instead.u...i'm so happy.:)

Not Feeling Well for the nth time.... :(

Posted Thursday, January 6, 2011 by catherine
I am really not feeling well...emotionally. My heart aches so much, and my mind is so tired of thinking. Can the world excuse you from thinking, feeling, and breathing? I sometimes wonder if one can die for a while just to feel that he was once alive? Would that be really possible? Perhaps, if one is in comma.

I slept last night with all grim thoughts cycling in my mind. Wondering why I did afford to sleep with all doubts, fears and aches that occupy my mind....wow, amazing.

Die. Am I not dead yet? Is that for sure? Cause I am really tired of feeling, breathing, hurting, being scared and all the more disappointed. I hate myself, for I can't defeat the lazy, bitchy, liar, schemer, and all the f*** of me.
Can I surrender? I've cried because of my acts. I am so helpless. Am I already crazy? I hope so. So that I could rest in a mental asylum. People won't expect anything from me. They'll talk to me and would get nothing and most of all, I could do whatever I want. I could rest my boggled mind for so long.

As of the very moment, all I want is space. No dictations. No matter what I do, I want myself to care and not other people. I don't want people to say do this and that when I can't do it anymore. I am just so tired to continue but I don't have any choice. Did they ask me if I want this? No. They don't care. I am facing the biggest dilemma of my life but people won't spare me from their reprimands and advices. Well, I must say I don't need them unless I ask for them!

I am just so tired of reiterating that I am tired. When did I start feeling so hollow? NO. It was not ever since. But, I can't remember the reasons anymore. I wrecked my self and people try to put me back to whole again with their acts but they don't know they are just making things worst.

I am so coward. Because if I've ever been strong, I could have had the courage to hang myself with a rope, or have taken sleeping pills to overdose. I feel so discouraged because I don't have any choice. All my life I've always been so afraid of what people will say about me, but now I don't. I am so lost. But people don't see it and refuse to see it.

I am so tired really. One of this days, I would talk to my parents and ask for their forgiveness. I just feel so useless. Maybe if I would do that, they would understand how all this time I feel so guilty and sorry that it makes me numb. It paralyzes  me. My guilt doesn't make me go on. It grabs me by the feet and drag me to hell.

I asked God a lot of time if he could ever help me with this. Who could help me? A psychiatrist? Maybe. I feel so futile. Never have had felt this way before. I felt sorry for a very long time that even myself can't forgive the things I've done. No one will understand. I want to runaway, to escape but there's no place to go. I want to die but death is so far and it seems so impossible. I am losing sight of what they are saying that people live because they have different purposes in life. I don't know what my purpose is. I am so tired and fed up.

I envy people because they have a sense of direction. They are so happy because they had their life all planned out, while I don't know what to do. I am so coward. I don't have the strength to have courage. I don't know how to be responsible. I am so tired.

Goodbye Chocolates!!!

Posted Wednesday, January 5, 2011 by catherine
It has been a week since my chocolate abstinence started. Never have I even imagined that I could come this far, and long to have resisted the charms of melting goodness inside my mouth.

I love chocolates so much. But I have to move on from things which give me too much sweetness at first and would make me bitter in the end. Sad to say, chocolate craving is part of it.

Even just looking at the images of it  would like bring tears to my eyes. I hauled my cabinet already and found chocolates and chocolates and chocolates--a little of my clothes.

Letting go. They say if you learn to love, you should also learn to let go. what happened was that last Saturday,  I gave my goodies away to my cousins. They so love it and I would have loved them in the same manner if it's that much. Would I weep? Am I that over reacting over the loss of my other love? I could compare it to having yourself annulled to your better-half for fifty years. It's just to grim to think that my your relationship which started so long ago would now vanquish.

Moving on. There are a lot of things I do to get over the madness and addiction. Drinking a lot of water I guess helps a little, at least. But the fluid doesn't flood down the feeling of a broken heart over the loss of chocolates in my system.

Goodbye my love. Thanks for the times we shared. I could still remember myself waking up in the middle of a stormy night, crying for absurd reasons, and get a taste of you. Fare thee well chocolate love. So much for love, sweetness and obsession.  I'll get over you soon.

Carry On

Posted Monday, January 3, 2011 by catherine
“Sir, yes sir!”

Two days from now, troops will be disseminated to the most perturbed towns in Mindanao. Armed forces are getting ready for a combat over the rebels—a bloody war for sure.
“Getting ready First Lieutenant?” Captain Arvin Vasquez asked his younger brother James who is in the process of cleaning his M16A2 rifle with a piece of cloth.
He gave a fleeting smile to his older brother and continued wiping his service firearm. “Yes captain, ‘tis for peace, our families, and for our country.”
Arvin sat beside James on his bunk and tapped the latter’s shoulder. “I am very proud of you, James.”
James just shrugged and continued his errand. “Captain, you know that this is really what I wanted from the start; to be an instrument of national peace and protect the welfare of the people.” James told his brother proudly.
Arvin just smiled and added, “…and to make father proud, don’t you?”
Their father General Antonio Vasquez has been known to be one of the bravest soldiers the country ever had. He saved a lot of citizens from wars in Basilan and Sulu, and brought stillness to some secluded places in Mindanao which were ruled with insurgents. But he lost his life five years ago in a bomb explosion over the army’s main quarters among hundreds of soldiers who were injured.
James mind wandered off somewhere. “I want to be like General Vasquez. I promised him that I would protect you and mother by all means.”
“Wherever he is now, I know father is very proud of you, first lieutenant.” Arvin gave James a tap at the back and returned to his quarters.
The militia already got off their armored vehicles and dispersed to different points securing the whole area. Others were already helping the civilians vacate the village while some waited for instructions and signs of probable adversary.
Soldiers hid behind the bushes and at the back of trees when a loud blast reverberated. The troopers aimed at points were rebels came out and fired. An exchange of gunshots agitated the seemingly peaceful community.
After an hour trade of blasts, many radicals who are wounded were arrested whilst soldiers who are injured were brought to the quarters and given medical aid.
“Clear the area! But be careful. There might be buried improvised explosive devices anywhere.” commanded Captain Vasquez to his soldiers.
“Sir, yes sir!” answered the army and proceeded on clearing the vicinity.
Arvin didn’t see his brother James after the troops were disseminated. “Garcia, have you seen first lieutenant Vasquez?”
“No sir! I thought he was already here.” answered one of his troopers.
Arvin went far behind the forest to find his brother. Smokes from the blast almost fog the woods and he hardly sees what is ahead of him. On foot with his rifle, he persistently searched for his brother. He suddenly heard a moan behind a huge tree and instinct told him it is James.
Swiping the bushes and grasses, he called out, “James! Are you there?”
James who got his left foot injured and stuck on an IED implanted on a tousled root of a tree heard his brother and cried for help. “Captain, it’s me!”
“Heavens! What happened to you?” Arvin said after spotting his brother sprawled on the ground with his leg gushing with blood.
“A rebel shot my left leg and knocked me unconscious. He placed me here with an IED. It’s impossible for me to get out of here brother.” James wept bitterly.
Arvin felt his heart crumpling and said, “No! You aren’t gonna die here. I’ll see what I can do to safely discharge the bomb.”
After examining the bomb, he noticed that it was a device with wires cobbled together using fertilizer and dangerous chemicals. It contains an explosive charge, a detonator, and an initiation system. He knows that if his brother will move, the device will blast off.
Feeling all helpless, he said “Do all you can to steady your feet as I move you out.”
“But my foot will stick over the root.” James elucidated.
“I won’t let you just die here!” Arvin exclaimed to his younger brother.
“Maybe this is the end of my life captain. Just take care of mother and Michelle.” He was referring to his girlfriend who is teaching French in an international school in Makati. “I saved a lot of lives already captain. I know it will be very honorable for me to die over a war. Father will be very proud of me” he smiled and cried after.
“We’ll dig the ground out. That would be possible.” Arvin’s eyes sparkled with the idea which sprouted in his mind. “Stop whining like a child, it’s so unbecoming, first lieutenant.” He assured his brother.
He started burrowing the sides and below the tangled root to safely move James’ foot out. When the hole was big enough to shift his brother’s leg, he instructed James to calm down and slowly move his leg down and out. It was not an easy task since James’ leg turned numb with the loss of blood.
James carefully dragged his leg and dipped it down to not hit the IED on the root. All the while, Arvin was watching intently and carefully sighting the bomb for possible movements that would trigger a blast.
As soon as James got his leg free, he crawled toward his brother and hugged him tightly. But to his shock, Arvin stiffened. “What’s wrong brother?”
“You go now; my foot’s stuck in another IED.” Arvin slowly looked down and saw another impossible object of destruction under his foot.
James stared at the IED and silently cursed the creator of such deadly weapon. “Brother, don’t move. I’ll call the Explosive Ordinance Disposal Unit. ”
“That would be late James; I have a crazy feeling that this isn’t an IED but a time bomb.” Arvin looked at the eyes of his brother. “I guess father really insists that one of us should join him in heaven.” He chuckled afterwards.
“That isn’t funny captain.” James stared at his brother sternly.
Arvin tore his dog tag from his neck and handed it down to James. “My turn to narrate my last will.” He smiled and continued looking at James amused face. “You take care of mother, okay? Take care of my wife Julia and my son Kyle.” Tears started to race form his eyes down his cheeks. “Make sure they are feeding Homer properly.” He was referring to his golden retriever back home.
“Cut the drama bother, you’ll be fine.” James stated. He pivoted and gave a salute over his captain and said, “I’ll be back captain.”
Arvin smiled and gave a salute back to his brother. “Carry on, first lieutenant.”
After James took fifty steps away from his brother, the bomb detonated.
“Brother!!!” James exclaimed and called out to the forest.
The EOD unit came out shortly after hearing the loud blast. Too late for Arvin died over the explosion, almost the same as his father General Antonio Vasquez.
The casualties who gave their life off for the benefit of the country’s freedom were properly acknowledged. All of them, along the injured soldiers received a Medal of Valor—the highest honor received by an armed force but their memories and their valiant hearts are enough to tribute them for their nationalism.