Forbidden Element

please no, please...

2011-08-13T14:49:00.001-07:00

Worst of all the bad... :(

2011-08-01T11:50:00.000-07:00

I cried. Dammit! I just cried! That was so not me. What happened to all my promises and daydreams? They're all gone.

God knows how much I love my boyfriend so much. I love him more than my own life and now all of a sudden, I broke his trust. I don't even know if I coud even trust myself anymore.

Dammit! YOu won't see me hanging around with hell! If only I listened to what all my boyfriend told me. If only I had listened to him.

Past I know is past. I couldn't turn around everything that happened. But one thing is for sure, I'll be trusting no one this time. It can sometimes cost you much more than your life to give TRUST away. :(

On being True

2011-03-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

Though I am still eighteen years old, I could already differentiate what's true and what's fake.

All my life, I lived to please people--even f it means it doesn't please me in return, or even if that means I will get hurt after wards. I seek for people's approval and contentment in everything I do. But what brought about all this changes?

It is the people around me who turned me into the demon that I am today. Just seeing people's pretending faces, listening to their endless back stabbing and enduring all the ridicules they had given to me sucks. So what if I am bad? So what if I am evil? What I want the whole world to know is that I don't give a single damn for people who doesn't appreciate a single thing that I do.

I've come to my senses already. If it is to hate you, I will!

Truth is that I really hate you! I will hate all of you for being so plastic. I will despise the very day I came back. Things willl really change for sure but there is one thing I am very sure of, I will never forget all of the things I kept inside of me. Thanks for all the criticisms, for all the ridicules, for all the judgments, for all the times you belittled me and most of all--for making me believe that I am still welcome. I was very wrong on the very first place. And I will forever be remorseful for that.

Thank you TN for showing me the different sides of people. For teaching me a lesson that not everyone can be trusted, that not everyone is your friend. To all the TN people, thank you for wasting your time on me! I am pretty sure I did waste my futile time too but atleast I now have the guts to tell all of you that you have been so unkind. Continue that attitude and I am sure that in no time, you will devour your selves. All of you who are thirsty of power! Which would somehow lead to corruption (maybe not through money but in terms of other people's lives and time!)

Well, If I may say, I found a few friends in TN. Just very few of them. And I want to thank all of them before my life ends.

To Kenneth for being my true friend. frank as you are Ken. I know that all the words you told me were true. The criticisms were constructive and I appreciate all of them. Thank you for being a crying shoulder. You of all the people in TN has that much sense when I talk to. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and for believin that i could still change Ken...that somehow, someday, I could transform for the better as much as you did. You know Ken, I would have had bawled my eyes out for that. Your kind words touched what's evil inside my heart. I'll forever look up to you Ken. You have my prayers.

Janet. We're all in this together jan. No one understood me as much as you did. No other person in the whole universe soothed me as much as you did. I love you so much jan and thank you for staying after all this time. For always being there. That means a lot to me jan. You know it does.

Cherry. Thank you for always being sweet baby Cher. Stay the same always and remember to fight for your self whenever there is a need to. You have my blessings.

Arvin. To my one and only goi, thank you so much for being one of my sweetest boy best friend. For being true and simple all this time. I love you goi and you know that. Good luck i n every thing you do and God will bless you. I know that. :)

For them who remained tue and for them who remained hostile, I still thank you for molding me into someone that I am today. Thank you but Go To Hell!!! to the people who continuously dragged me down. I hope you will get down and feel down as much as you did make me feel all this time!

Of heartaches and sorrows

2011-03-26T04:40:00.000-07:00

Don't want to remember any of those moments, it will only remind me that I am nothin and I can't do anything. Don't want to expect things that are substantially coming, just don't want to get disappointed and dissed at the ending. Don't want to put my head up if my insecurities are too heavy that they wager much of my confidence, way down low. I don't want to remember. Sometimes, I wish that I can't remember a thing after tomorrow. There are lots of things that happened before that stain my being. I WANT TO MOVE ON. But people keep on reminding me that I can't, that I am stuck, and that I can't ever be forgiven of the mistakes I made before (never-ever.)

I will never get tired of thanking the people who were there for me whenever I am too much dazed by my heartaches and sorrows. People who never got tired of considering that who they got with them is little EMO Catherine. That she is so fragile, that she needs love, that she isn't perfect, that she's full of insecurities, and that what they just have to do is to sit by my side and promise me they will never leave me. That's just it.

Leaving. I want to leave but I hate people leaving. I hate people turning their bare backs on me. I h ate it when I was with them all the time and that they will just dump me after all the things I have been through for them.

I am Evil. Yes, I know that. I have always been evil. I killed people. I despised my parents. I am an atheist. I commit adultery, I am a certified glutton. And what? Is that all that they want to hear from me? That I am a daughter of Lucifer himself. Is that what they want from me? Is that all that they can say? What else? Tell me things I haven't heard of about myself! TEll me!

I have long had forgotten the heartahes and sorrows but people tied me and are dragging me back to hell. And there is nothing I can do now but cry and envy those people who are free of judgments and screws. I wish I am like them. But that will never happen.

Marry Me♥♥♥

2011-03-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

I always hear this song whenever I play the radio on (that is to help me induce some sleep). Train's really got ways to capture the hearts of their listeners. At first, I dislike train for their "Hey, Soul Sister", like hey, I don't understand the message of the song or what they are making the people understand.

Marry Me is a song which is full of love. It is also stated in the song how much the guy really wants to be with the girl for the rest of his life and how much he is willing to give just to make the girl happy by his side.

The song is giving me goose bumps whenever I hear it. It's like hearing a brand new song everytime it is being played on air. Someday, not that soon perhaps, I wish a man would also gather all his guts to sing me the same song. You know I am hopeless romantic that I would prefer a guy who is courting me in the old school way. Flowers, chocolates, love letters and the guy's gentle manner will easily flatter me. But where on Earth could I probably look for that guy?

Ayeyyeyey.... I know something and I won't tell you anything... Atleast now, I could already say that whatever may happen, I coud already die bearing in mind that I already knew real and true love. I am happy now. Not taht secured though, but atleast, I got less fears now compared before. Chow!

(Gotta update my blog next time if I feel like there is worth blogging for...bye..I'll miss you all guys.. thanks for reading my blog.:))

one step at the time

2011-03-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

One step at the time. I am taking my time so slowly but surely. I am enjoying every bit of my stay here in my workplace. I couldn't be any happier. Isn't this the one I wished so hard once upon a time? Because \i am already here, the job is almost a breath away....I won't let it slip away from my fingers. I know that there's so much to life. But my job training is one of the most important things that I have to prioritize as of the moment.

I need to cope up. I need to cope with the night shift as soon as I can. I really have to or else I'll drop dead. Now (as of the moment, I snached a time from my one hour lunch break to blog. this is one thing I couldn't think of giving up.)

Though I know I'll soon be exposed to the verbal and speaking world, I know what my first love is. And that is writing. I live to write, I breath to write. That's my craft, my worth, and my life.

Chances are. Cahnces are that after I'll be officially hired, I will save money to buy myself a laptop. That has been a dream of mine. (Now I am confident in dreaming, because I know that dreams do come true; especially if you are brave enough to risk the things you know you wouldn't afford to let go.)

Saying goodbye. TN is my first love. Everyone knows that. But there will come a time that TN will no longer need me. There are a lot of writers who are more deserving of the place in the pub. I have to say goodbye. Soon enough. Yeah, maybe soon.

Let Me Get the JOB!!!

2011-03-08T20:42:00.000-08:00

I already have my resume! Gawd. Can you think about that? I already have my resume so I can already apply! Hope I'll get in so that I could get my life straightened out already. I badly need this job so that I could prove to my parents that I am also someone who is of worth.

I can't even imagine, what I'll give just to get the job. Look. I have waited for almost a lifetime to turn 18 so that I can legally work and now that I am already here, I won't let anyone to spoil my feeling. I'll gotta keep my fingers crossed till tomorrow so that nothing bad will happen.

I already promised mama many things so I should get it anyway possible and impress the one who'll interview me tomorrow....:)

5 Days of Distress

2011-03-03T20:15:00.001-08:00

If I am not mistaken, this is already the fifth day of my ever kill-me-I-want-to-die malady. It seems that I am losing my cognitive sense.

It all happened when I forgot how to turn my phone silent. Geez, even elementary students can do that in a whiplash!

Another thing, when the tricycle driver gave me the change for my money (the fare from our barrio to the city is P9 and the money I gave him was P20, he gave me P16.) I spent almost a minute looking at the change and mentally counting if it is really sixteen pesos or I am just delusional. There were three 5 peso coins and a 1 peso coin. I really felt stupid looking at the money and cursed myself. Am I already in my senile stage?

There is still one thing; I can hardly hear my voice. How much more when I speak to others? People can’t hear me well! I am starting to feel overwhelmingly discouraged about myself. But I know that this is because of my fever.

I am taking 3 sets of medicine every 4-6 hours (or else my mama will kill me)—Paracetamol (for my fever), Carboscistine (for my firework blast- like cough), Phenylprophanolamine (for my runny nose and colds).

Actually, I feel like I am dying. Because for the last 5 days of my bed-ridden-but-shall-go-to-school-death-may-take-me stage, I am throwing up all I am eating. All I can do to nourish myself is to chug some water down. (Imagine what my poop becomes?) That’s why I am also suffering from diarrhea.

I hate it when I am sick. Though I may say that all is well since they’re treating me like a baby, I still hate it when I can’t even manage to raise my arms. It’s so hard! So spare me from my mood swings. I am just out of sorts this times.

SICK but happy

2011-03-02T22:46:00.000-08:00

I've been sick for the entire week and I am so glad that my mama is there for me all the while. I love you mama.

Though she washes the dishes instead of me, she still lets me drink my medicine.
Though she cleans the house and sweeps the floor and all, she gives me a therapy.
Though she cooks for our food everytime and rests a little at day, she doesn't leave me astray.

I love you mama and I will always be your Adiek.

It hurts to see you cry. I know that I am not a perfect daughter but for us, my sisters and me, you are the best mother, protector, guardian, best friend, counselor, adviser and nurse, rolled into one. Our life is not perfect but I can't imagine living it without you mama.

I love you mama. Though I feel like dying because of my endless coughing, sneezing and all, I am somehow happy that we get closer each time. This way, I am happy that I am sick, because my mama is taking good care of me. I LOVE YOU MAMA. ♥

When I am Sad, I?

2011-02-27T19:22:00.000-08:00

When I'm sad I cry. Bow. When I am sad, I cry. This things are just very common for a pessimist like me. I always feel sick. I feel like I am always ready to quit.

Pissed off

2011-02-27T18:24:00.000-08:00

I am so pissed off today. My day started wrong and everything seems like crap. I don't know if I could still carry on pretending that I am okay.I am so pissed of and there is no other adjective that could define what I am feeling today!

Missing you

2011-02-23T18:08:00.001-08:00

I miss my uncle.

Last August 16, 2010, one of the most important person in my life died. He fared unwell, I know that. He went to Siaton, fine and happy, and went home cold and dead.

"Your uncle Jessie is here!", my mama said.

"Oh." I saw my uncle again for almost a lifetime of not seeing him. He was in Malaysia for so long a time that he developed a weak body because of continuous working under unpleasant conditions.I hugged him so hard. Like it was the last time I am ever gonna hug him.

We were all happy that he is home and that he is well. Our family was happy to see a family so dear to us. He stayed with us and decided to go and visit my other uncle. They talked and talked that Sunday. My uncle Fredo and my mama had a feud about serious things that is why we are not there always unlike before.

The day after they talked, when we were all focused with the grim news on the television, my cousin sent me a message. "Die, patay na biya si yo Fredo." with her signature text below it...God Bless.

I was astounded that very moment. My hand was trembling and my mind was confused. It was so hard to believe the news I have read on my phone. Somehow, I wished it wasn't true. I wished my cousin meant the other Fredo which was also our relative.

I almost forgot to share the news to them that I almost jumped from my seat and said. "Hala pa! Ana si Ging2x na patay na daw si yo Fredo!". My papa looked at me and they were all shocked---like me. We all said that maybe he wasn't the Fredo we were afraid to hear of.

My papa decided to go to their house and I said I will text my cousin cause maybe they are in the hospital. We waited there for my cousin's reply and said that my uncle's corpse is in Holy Child Hospital's morgue. We drove there for almost 30 minutes and we were all boggled.

When my cousin saw me, she grabbed my arm and dragged me to the morgue. I noticed her eyes were swollen with constant crying. I looked at my uncle's dead body and cried hard. I can't believe that it was him. My happy-go-lucky uncle is now gone. My papa walked behind me and cried too.

(Actually while blogging this, my tears are streaming.)

The week was full of grim. Still, we are smothered with disbelief. I really pitied my sister because it was her birthday on the 20th and she said that there was nothing to celebrate about.

Until now, I am still missing my uncle. I am sill sad. I don't want to forget my uncle because he's one of my closest relative. He loves his nieces and nephews equally and that is what I'll miss about him. I'll miss him forever though.

Please Don't

2011-02-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

There's an unknown feeling in my chest. I don't know what it is. Don't even know why I am like this. Missing you is far behind my mind. That was long gone. Gone and will never be come back. That was almost a year now. A year of emotional torture. A yer of endless hopes and dreams. A year of lies and pretending.

That was almost forgotten. Not now. Please not now. Not now that I already thought I've moved on. Why won't you leave me alone? Why am I affected with every sad song I hear, feeling like that was our wasted love story. Oppressed? No. Not a chance on that. You don't know how it feels to be stuck. I am long stuck on my ground and somehow I don't know the way out. Help? No one on his right mind will, I guess. Everyone thinks of themselves. Almost all are selfish. All including me. But I could no longer lie to myself.

How many blogs have I posted about me missing you? Yet, not even one of them have you read. Right?. You haven't read even one of my dull, emotional, and suicidal moments because of you. You are selfish! I hate you! I hate you for moving on. I hate you for being happy. I hate you for living your life well. I hate you for stealing all my wit, for taking with you all my sense of happiness, for making me bitter and sounding like i am sour graping.

I hate the moments of me lying just to protect you, the moments which I should have had spent sleeping than spending with you. I hate hearing songs like those of your favorite. Guess what. You were nothing special. You're not even good looking. You are a bore. You are a boo. But you were so mysterious, seems like lost in your own web, and before I knew it, you got me tangled with you.

I want to let go, to run away, away from here. Away from you. Away from your grim memories. Go to hell. I curse the day I believed in everything you said to me. I curse myself for ever believing you. Lastly, I curse you for making my life a total waste! I hope this is the last tine I'll waste my time on you. I should forget you by any means. I should do that before I lose my psyche.

I'll be a devil this time to curse you and your happiness. I'll be selfish this time. I will make your life miserable! If it's the last thing on Earth I'll do. I'll make you suffer like what you did to me. I will make you cry. I will make you feel like dying all the time. Revenge is not the word to describe what I want to take on you. You will soon wish you're better dead. You will soon curse your life. You will soon find yourself chasing for happiness yet you can't get any of it. Sooner than you think, things will slip from your fingers. Any time, this time, you will suffer like I did.

That way I will rest my peace. That way I can be contented. In that way, I can get all you took from me. That way, I can rest in peace----forever.

Like Mad

2011-02-21T16:52:00.000-08:00

Like mad, I walked from our terminal to school. I guess that was at least a kilometer. I feel like I've been to a marathon. I feel so consumed. Maybe I am just tired of walking. I shouldn't associate this with being tired of life. Like any emo would do.... hahaha

The TRUTH

2011-02-20T21:47:00.000-08:00

It really seems to me like everyone is really ready for the fall. How about me? Am I ready to take on the challenge of being away from school, friends, family and etc.? But I know this is for the better. Though I know that I am doing this for myself, a lot of people will benefit from my self-improvement--especially those who care for me.

Anyways, I already smell the scent of summer. Leaves from stoic trees are almost turning brown which is a healthy sign of summer. I used to love this season. But I don't know if that will still do now. I don't know.

Years aback, I remember myself falling in line, with the best students of the school, wearing that euphoric smile under the scorching heat of the sun. Not minding the jitters of sweat running down my forehead to my chin, I just smile knowing that a good year has ended and I will be awarded, again, and as always, the first honor.

But now, I don't feel the same triumph. My parents can no longer be proud of me. I am lost. While others are planning where to go this summer, I am planing to take a big leap with my life. A leap, a jump, a jump to leap, or whatever they call it. They just don't understand. And maybe you who's reading this won't also understand. I need time to recover everything I've broken. I need to settle all my insecurities to function well and better next time. I should think that it will not be the end of the world if I leave school, or if I stop schooling. I need to make people understand that I need to mend my behavior. I am a total wreck, can anyone tell that to me? I am a procastinator. I won't be able to be productive as before if I won't do what is needed of me to do.

Have you even noticed that I am unhappy? No, you actually don't. For you, I am just over reacting. I am OA. That is what you always say. But we are different. What makes you happy might not make me happy. What brings you tears might give me a hearbreak. YOu don't know because you don't ask. You assume that everything is okay. No, it is not. No, I am not okay. The truth of the matter is that I have been a pessimist since I graduated elementary. I thought, and that thought was inculcated in my mind and soul for the past six years of my life, THAT NO MATTER WHAT I DO, MY PARENTS WON'T BE PROUD OF ME.

That has been my problem for more than 6 years. I am in pain for more than six years because of that. Apathy didn't help me. Because truth is that I am still hurt, until now that my parents were not happy that very day of my graduation in Elementary. Now I know my problem. I have been insecure and unproductive all this time because of that. I guess a psychologist can figure this out easily, or a psychiatrist.

I've always lived to please my parents. I thought what would make them happy would also make me happy. That was what I thought. That was why I am now destructed. Now I know. Now you know. Now i know, at least, that my problem has been defined. Next step is to look and think of the best solustion to this problem and I've figured that first before knowing what my problem really was. I have the solution. And I'll do whatever it takes to make things right this time. No matter what the consequences are.

Cough It Out

2011-02-15T20:48:00.000-08:00

Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out.

There's that. Do I still need to write details of my coughing catastrophe this days? That's it. My cough sounds like a bang. I hate it. I'd rather die than to cough in front of my boyfriend. That's how worse it is. And to think he's studying premed in Cebu Doctors University. Would it be sweet if I'll be his first patient?

ACE NG BUHAY KO...♥♥♥

2011-02-15T18:51:00.000-08:00

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002095959875

Can you also change your relationship status in blog? For so many months, I've been totally messed up and devastated with the love I never had, and the love who drifted away. Now, I can actually say that life. Good things really come to those who wait. ♥

Grrrrrr...

2011-02-10T21:51:00.000-08:00

Haven't you noticed that everyone is aching to give you a punch on the face? Or are you just that insensitive that you are hurting people with your don't-know-what attitude. My God. When will you ever learn. I just hate you so much. But I guess my wrath and grudge would just send me to grave earlier than you. I don't want that to happen. I want to be there, standing, wearing all red on your funeral. I will never leave till I see you buried 6 feet below the cold ground.

Duhhhh..

2011-02-10T02:31:00.001-08:00

GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....

Almost Lover

2011-02-08T17:27:00.000-08:00

by :A fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm tress swinging in the wind--images

you sang me Spanish lullabies

the sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick

Well I'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover, Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you, Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance, My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache, Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street, You took my hand and danced with me in the shade

And when you left you kissed my lips

you told me you would never ever forget these images no

(Repeat Refrain and Chorus)

Bridge:

I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot try the students at night

I cannot wake up in the morning, without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted, and I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out my life

I ain't mad

2011-02-07T20:36:00.000-08:00

I ain't mad. It's just that it's very different if you tell your biggest secret to anyone person than they will to others. First is that I can't justify myself. I know what i did were all unforgivable, but, at least, give me the benefit of the doubt. I ain't that bad. I just loved and thought it would be forever. If you'll gonna ask me if I would do those things again. I think I still will. I just loved and would never regret it.

Secrets are secrets. Secrets are supposed to be kept. I trusted people to keep my secrets because I know they will keep it and guard it with their own lives but I guess I am wrong.

The reason was absurd. I would never bring up your secrets to other people if I am mad at you at that moment. I will never do that. I am just hurt. I am deeply hurt. I didn't even tell my ever dearest best friend about what happened because I know she will never forgive me. But I guess it was a lot better if she knew, because I know she will keep it forever. Oh, how I appreciate my best friend at this very moment. She's been a dear friend--a real friend.

I ain't mad. But you know that secrets are secrets and I really think your reasons are absurd. I ain't mad--just hurt.

Best Things that Happened on My 18th Birthday

2011-02-07T18:29:00.000-08:00

Since having a party is too icky, I decided to have a simple celebration with my family and friends. Here's what happened.

December 12, 2010
12:00 am= my uncle came to our house and said that my aunt was about to give birth
8:00= of course, my special someone greeted me. Bwahahaha...
9:00= my aunts and other relatives from afar greeted me too
10:00= bonding with best buds
and the rest of the day was spent on the hospital, my aunt already gave birth to our newest baby boy cousin, baby Kenth.

Here's some of my birthday pictures and baby Kenth's....

Yehey. Ngayon lang nag-sink in ang fact na 18 na ako.

Inspiration on a Monday Morning

2011-02-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

Triple the fun. Triple the squirm. Thrice the hurt. Thrice the guilt.

Since there is no one to heat up my Valentines, I would perhaps just try to wander off my favorite e-books on the net. Upon gazing and reading almost a hundred of historical romance novels just this year-hey, what a number-and since others find it quite boring, but hell me, I just love them.

Royalties like the prince, marquis, lords, counts, and dukes rule over historical times and a lot of people often wonder how these people love. Well-definitely, they're so HOT. Unmindful of their wealth, what makes them just so into it, is that they are so stubborn and when they say they want to do that--they certainly will, without holding back.

In search for a pretty face to conjure upon images of the dashing romeos I've read in the book, here are my top two. Hope you like it.

Philip Warren Gertson. Just look at them with the tux. Imagine him swirling around, controlling the ball with all his wits, smiling at all the audience and boom! capturing hearts of she-wolves. Like hell! Who wants to remove her sight from Phil? How would that possibly be?

Joo In Sung. Like have you seen how hot he was in Memories of Bali? Would you really think of this as a lad just fiddling around the city streets? No! He's just so amazing, and don't forget of him being handsome too.

Eye bags be damned said who????

2011-02-02T16:26:00.000-08:00

I already finished reading the 313 page e-book on tempting the prince by patricia grasso and I just fell in love. Sometimes I often wonder if fairytales do come true. Does it?
I haven't experienced one. Hmmmp. Here goes bitterness again and I just hate it. It's okay, after this eyebags will be gone, so is my bitterness. I just need sleep.

P.S. Please bare with my grammar and other english technical stuffs and whatever. If you think I am talking shit, it's just that I lack sleep. Need to sleep now. ADIOS!!!<3

Valentines Day Panic Buying

2011-01-30T20:53:00.000-08:00

Where is the Love??? I want to ask that question to cupid. It's just so unfair! Like almost all of my friends have their own special someone to spend the heart's day with and why not me?? Isn't it just shit? There are more or less fifteen days to go before the atmosphere turns red and all punctuation marks and symbols will be replaced by hearts (<3). I just so hate this. How long ago was then when I last spent my Valentine's with someone special? One, two, three; that was three bull shit years ago!!!

Do I really sound so miserable? Wait till you see me wearing all black this V'sDay. I just so feel bitter about that day. Hope everyone will be happy on that very day. All's well. Everything's gonna be fine--for everyone except me. =(

There it is Again :(

2011-01-28T00:30:00.001-08:00

Because of the cold weather, I just can't help but browse and follow the blogs of my friendships in TN. In my blog hopping quest, I stumbled upon the name which I am struggling to shake away off my system (what system does include the heart especially when it's broken and bleeding?) for a few months now. I admit that our relationship wasn't that splendid as what others think it was. Sometimes, while I am lying flat on my bed and thinking about the things that had happened, I deeply wish that we didn't cross the line of friendship to being lovers--that is if he did ever love me.

That was the summer of 2010. After my TN pipz visited me (that was our fiesta), we started texting each other and started talking about nothings and whatever (though that wasn't the start of our phone conversation). An everyone, I guess, knows what happened next and etcetera.

We both tried to keep things up to us, to keep us together but the effort just drifted us away from each other. He said he was hurt. I don't know if he was telling the truth since we weren't seeing each other. I am hurt-deeply by not seeing him, by him not being there for me whenever I need him. Wonder was far more than what I felt that time and I asked him what brought the change and he would not answer. The effort to reach out always comes from me and somehow, I reached the point of being tired. Tired is an understatement really. HURT can't also fathom half of what I experienced all at once.

When I threw my hands up and gave up, he said he respected my decision and was hurt about what happened but I don't know still if what he said was true. I don't know because I can't see him.

You know what was the sweetest thing that ever happened to us for me? That was when he rushed to our house in May, thinking I was already half-dead for stupidly drinking a bottle of astringent. When he saw me, he nearly jumped to me and hugged me ever so tightly and scolded me like a father to his daughter. I smiled then. And we talked nonsense. When it was time for me to go back to our house, he held my hand and hugged me tightly again, as if he's never gonna let go and looked into my eyes and said "I LOVE YOU".

In my 17 years of lifetime, that was the first time a guy told me he loves me in person. After that night, we keep texting each other and he keeps visiting me at night. We just sit on his motorcycle, look up the sky to gaze at the myriad of stars, admire the moon, and talk nonsense again. I would say that I miss those times. I miss him. I miss us.

But I just so guess that he has already moved on. I am doing my best to move on though--God knows how much I am trying. As of the moment, everything is fine. He's got a girlfriend now, I am still alone, wondering what went wrong and is trying to pick up the shards of my heart from all that life has offered me. Looking back, I'm so glad that I am still alive.

I want to forget him. Everything that we had, and everything that we could have been. I want to be happy. I want to move on. But I guess time heals the wounds. I will recover some time--I hope soon. Because it's too hard to look at couples so happy at this point in time. I just hope and pray this, too, shall pass. Help.

I love you Chocolates

2011-01-27T21:11:00.000-08:00

Why would I try to forget chocolates when in fact they have been there for me ever since the world began. Who was there for me when I first got my heart broken over a boyfriend who was four years older than me. That time, I was so childish and selfish while he has his dreams to pursue. Anyways, who was there for me when I had my emotional outbursts at 2am in the morning? How about when I lost my mind over trying to move on and still hasn't, spending Christmas Eve, New year's Eve and my 18th birthday crying.

Get over it? Like never! Though I don't have stocks of chocolate in my cabinet, I would presumably crawl to the nearest relative for choco back up. So who the hell on earth would get me away from my chocolate love?

Angels or Devils

2011-01-25T01:43:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of people who think that they are worth the praise for every good thing that will ever happen to the world. It is as if they own every credit for the improvement of everything and worth to scourge if one is wrong. I HATE PEOPLE WHO THINK HIGH OF THEMSELVES!!!

There is a big difference between professionalism and being educated. You are even very lucky if you have these both. What i think of as very absurd is the very fact that one of the pillars of the society, one who finished a Doctorate degree in philosophy, one who is very much looked up on to, seems to act very unprofessional at some times.

Is it right to condemn the whole publication just because of a simple typographical error on the headline? I even know that the most prestigious and trusted newspapers in the whole world commit the same mistake not just once. What's the use of an "erratum" by the way?

I just hate it how she called us stupid and dull. Though she is very far from us when it comes to educational attainment, I believe that no one ever has a single right to insult anyone even how high she thinks of herself and how low she thinks of the other. Everyone is fair in the eyes of God and even thus the rule of law says that no one is above the law.

Though everything is okay now, I still can't accept the fact that she insulted everyone of us. We were humble enough to accept our fault and we tried to patch things up and she still didn't accept what we proposed. "twas just so impossible! I can't think of it as motherly. I just hate it. This is my blog so I suppose I have very single right to post whatever I feel about the things that are happening around me. This would be all for now. I just hope that she won't do that to others ever again.

NO MORE!!!!!!

2011-01-18T17:45:00.000-08:00

There'll be no more youtube, plurk and facebook in the office starting last night. What would I say? Well, it's okay. In one way or another, it is beneficial for the staffers; so that we'll focus on news scouting, editing, blogging and writing more, and more news articles. That's the purpose of the existence of the publication anyways.

Where will I plurk? I started gaining lots of friends in plurk. But I won't fret, the skylab is open for me to plurk up to my heart's content. With facebook, I can connect with my far-off relatives but I started feeling bored about it then. YOUTUBEing has been very boring for me already because we get to hear the same songs everyday and it somehow makes my ears bleed.

For the improvement of all the staffers, without plurk, facebook, or youtube--YOU CAN COUNT ME IN GUYS!!!!!! I PROMISE TO COOPERATE. =)

always come back to your love

2011-01-17T18:35:00.000-08:00

If it can't be seen in your screen.... my apologies. Well, this video is my favorite song way back in elementary. Looking back, I remember my first crush before who was Miko Kirk. LOL. He's now in Cebu. I'm suck here in Dumaguete still but it's alright. I love my life now. Thanks for "Always come back to your love" by Samantha Mumba.....=)

Tired 101

2011-01-16T20:21:00.001-08:00

I"M TIRED.... CAN ANYONE SPARE ME IN????....

I'm not guilty. So I won't say sorry

2011-01-12T00:20:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't done anything bad so why would I repent? Acting like Ms.Little perfect won't suit me. There are lots of people even committing heinous crimes everyday so why curse only one person. That is what's making everything wrong. Almost all are good in judging people yet they don't look at themselves if they haven't even done the same mistake in their entire lives. Just because they weren't dragged in the same situation, they already act and come clean as they can be. Hey! like no one in this world is perfect. Don't judge as like you are God. Where's your gavel? your jury? I think ignorance is really your new best friend.

Redundancy Dance over and over again to the nth Time...:)

2011-01-10T23:57:00.000-08:00

Because I don't know what to blog about, I just would narrate about how happy I am today. One of my major problems in life is already dismissed and that is of a super and major thank you to myself. If not for that, I would have had gotten crazy over this coming days.

The question was really this, why would I be afraid of using peace talks to recover my problems. Lahat naman ay nadadaan sa mabuting usapan. I should have had tried to that before, I should have had saved a whole month of nervous breakdown and psychosomatic self . I couldn't be happy enough. Should I thank my lucky stars? I really want to.

Second, I am very absorbed to writing short stories. Please, give me subjects. My mind is too preoccupied with nothing and it's too embarrassing for a writer like me.

Last na 'to...Promise...:)

2011-01-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

Why am I scared to write about how I feel in my blog? This is my blog anyways, my private niche of thoughts.

I said last Dec.31, 2010 that I would already get over him. But that was real denial actually, coz the heart of the mater is that I was still not able to move on. But I was so surprised that the following days, I tried to see the light of things. I saw happiness. Maybe that is happiness. Is it?

Last na to promise. Ive already gotten over. That is why I'm so happy.

Happiness is a choice...so i'm happy...why not?

2011-01-10T17:01:00.001-08:00

I am now happy. I choose to be happy. Don't ask me why, I just feel so. Don't spoil the feeling. Please don't. If you don't, just stab me instead.u...i'm so happy.:)

Not Feeling Well for the nth time.... :(

2011-01-06T18:12:00.000-08:00

I am really not feeling well...emotionally. My heart aches so much, and my mind is so tired of thinking. Can the world excuse you from thinking, feeling, and breathing? I sometimes wonder if one can die for a while just to feel that he was once alive? Would that be really possible? Perhaps, if one is in comma.

I slept last night with all grim thoughts cycling in my mind. Wondering why I did afford to sleep with all doubts, fears and aches that occupy my mind....wow, amazing.

Die. Am I not dead yet? Is that for sure? Cause I am really tired of feeling, breathing, hurting, being scared and all the more disappointed. I hate myself, for I can't defeat the lazy, bitchy, liar, schemer, and all the f*** of me.
Can I surrender? I've cried because of my acts. I am so helpless. Am I already crazy? I hope so. So that I could rest in a mental asylum. People won't expect anything from me. They'll talk to me and would get nothing and most of all, I could do whatever I want. I could rest my boggled mind for so long.

As of the very moment, all I want is space. No dictations. No matter what I do, I want myself to care and not other people. I don't want people to say do this and that when I can't do it anymore. I am just so tired to continue but I don't have any choice. Did they ask me if I want this? No. They don't care. I am facing the biggest dilemma of my life but people won't spare me from their reprimands and advices. Well, I must say I don't need them unless I ask for them!

I am just so tired of reiterating that I am tired. When did I start feeling so hollow? NO. It was not ever since. But, I can't remember the reasons anymore. I wrecked my self and people try to put me back to whole again with their acts but they don't know they are just making things worst.

I am so coward. Because if I've ever been strong, I could have had the courage to hang myself with a rope, or have taken sleeping pills to overdose. I feel so discouraged because I don't have any choice. All my life I've always been so afraid of what people will say about me, but now I don't. I am so lost. But people don't see it and refuse to see it.

I am so tired really. One of this days, I would talk to my parents and ask for their forgiveness. I just feel so useless. Maybe if I would do that, they would understand how all this time I feel so guilty and sorry that it makes me numb. It paralyzes me. My guilt doesn't make me go on. It grabs me by the feet and drag me to hell.

I asked God a lot of time if he could ever help me with this. Who could help me? A psychiatrist? Maybe. I feel so futile. Never have had felt this way before. I felt sorry for a very long time that even myself can't forgive the things I've done. No one will understand. I want to runaway, to escape but there's no place to go. I want to die but death is so far and it seems so impossible. I am losing sight of what they are saying that people live because they have different purposes in life. I don't know what my purpose is. I am so tired and fed up.

I envy people because they have a sense of direction. They are so happy because they had their life all planned out, while I don't know what to do. I am so coward. I don't have the strength to have courage. I don't know how to be responsible. I am so tired.

Goodbye Chocolates!!!

2011-01-05T20:57:00.000-08:00

It has been a week since my chocolate abstinence started. Never have I even imagined that I could come this far, and long to have resisted the charms of melting goodness inside my mouth.

I love chocolates so much. But I have to move on from things which give me too much sweetness at first and would make me bitter in the end. Sad to say, chocolate craving is part of it.

Even just looking at the images of it would like bring tears to my eyes. I hauled my cabinet already and found chocolates and chocolates and chocolates--a little of my clothes.

Letting go. They say if you learn to love, you should also learn to let go. what happened was that last Saturday, I gave my goodies away to my cousins. They so love it and I would have loved them in the same manner if it's that much. Would I weep? Am I that over reacting over the loss of my other love? I could compare it to having yourself annulled to your better-half for fifty years. It's just to grim to think that my your relationship which started so long ago would now vanquish.

Moving on. There are a lot of things I do to get over the madness and addiction. Drinking a lot of water I guess helps a little, at least. But the fluid doesn't flood down the feeling of a broken heart over the loss of chocolates in my system.

Goodbye my love. Thanks for the times we shared. I could still remember myself waking up in the middle of a stormy night, crying for absurd reasons, and get a taste of you. Fare thee well chocolate love. So much for love, sweetness and obsession. I'll get over you soon.

Carry On

2011-01-03T19:05:00.000-08:00

“Sir, yes sir!”

Two days from now, troops will be disseminated to the most perturbed towns in Mindanao. Armed forces are getting ready for a combat over the rebels—a bloody war for sure.

“Getting ready First Lieutenant?” Captain Arvin Vasquez asked his younger brother James who is in the process of cleaning his M16A2 rifle with a piece of cloth.
He gave a fleeting smile to his older brother and continued wiping his service firearm. “Yes captain, ‘tis for peace, our families, and for our country.”
Arvin sat beside James on his bunk and tapped the latter’s shoulder. “I am very proud of you, James.”
James just shrugged and continued his errand. “Captain, you know that this is really what I wanted from the start; to be an instrument of national peace and protect the welfare of the people.” James told his brother proudly.
Arvin just smiled and added, “…and to make father proud, don’t you?”
Their father General Antonio Vasquez has been known to be one of the bravest soldiers the country ever had. He saved a lot of citizens from wars in Basilan and Sulu, and brought stillness to some secluded places in Mindanao which were ruled with insurgents. But he lost his life five years ago in a bomb explosion over the army’s main quarters among hundreds of soldiers who were injured.
James mind wandered off somewhere. “I want to be like General Vasquez. I promised him that I would protect you and mother by all means.”
“Wherever he is now, I know father is very proud of you, first lieutenant.” Arvin gave James a tap at the back and returned to his quarters.
The militia already got off their armored vehicles and dispersed to different points securing the whole area. Others were already helping the civilians vacate the village while some waited for instructions and signs of probable adversary.
Soldiers hid behind the bushes and at the back of trees when a loud blast reverberated. The troopers aimed at points were rebels came out and fired. An exchange of gunshots agitated the seemingly peaceful community.
After an hour trade of blasts, many radicals who are wounded were arrested whilst soldiers who are injured were brought to the quarters and given medical aid.
“Clear the area! But be careful. There might be buried improvised explosive devices anywhere.” commanded Captain Vasquez to his soldiers.
“Sir, yes sir!” answered the army and proceeded on clearing the vicinity.
Arvin didn’t see his brother James after the troops were disseminated. “Garcia, have you seen first lieutenant Vasquez?”
“No sir! I thought he was already here.” answered one of his troopers.
Arvin went far behind the forest to find his brother. Smokes from the blast almost fog the woods and he hardly sees what is ahead of him. On foot with his rifle, he persistently searched for his brother. He suddenly heard a moan behind a huge tree and instinct told him it is James.
Swiping the bushes and grasses, he called out, “James! Are you there?”
James who got his left foot injured and stuck on an IED implanted on a tousled root of a tree heard his brother and cried for help. “Captain, it’s me!”
“Heavens! What happened to you?” Arvin said after spotting his brother sprawled on the ground with his leg gushing with blood.
“A rebel shot my left leg and knocked me unconscious. He placed me here with an IED. It’s impossible for me to get out of here brother.” James wept bitterly.
Arvin felt his heart crumpling and said, “No! You aren’t gonna die here. I’ll see what I can do to safely discharge the bomb.”

After examining the bomb, he noticed that it was a device with wires cobbled together using fertilizer and dangerous chemicals. It contains an explosive charge, a detonator, and an initiation system. He knows that if his brother will move, the device will blast off.

Feeling all helpless, he said “Do all you can to steady your feet as I move you out.”

“But my foot will stick over the root.” James elucidated.

“I won’t let you just die here!” Arvin exclaimed to his younger brother.

“Maybe this is the end of my life captain. Just take care of mother and Michelle.” He was referring to his girlfriend who is teaching French in an international school in Makati. “I saved a lot of lives already captain. I know it will be very honorable for me to die over a war. Father will be very proud of me” he smiled and cried after.

“We’ll dig the ground out. That would be possible.” Arvin’s eyes sparkled with the idea which sprouted in his mind. “Stop whining like a child, it’s so unbecoming, first lieutenant.” He assured his brother.

He started burrowing the sides and below the tangled root to safely move James’ foot out. When the hole was big enough to shift his brother’s leg, he instructed James to calm down and slowly move his leg down and out. It was not an easy task since James’ leg turned numb with the loss of blood.

James carefully dragged his leg and dipped it down to not hit the IED on the root. All the while, Arvin was watching intently and carefully sighting the bomb for possible movements that would trigger a blast.

As soon as James got his leg free, he crawled toward his brother and hugged him tightly. But to his shock, Arvin stiffened. “What’s wrong brother?”

“You go now; my foot’s stuck in another IED.” Arvin slowly looked down and saw another impossible object of destruction under his foot.

James stared at the IED and silently cursed the creator of such deadly weapon. “Brother, don’t move. I’ll call the Explosive Ordinance Disposal Unit. ”

“That would be late James; I have a crazy feeling that this isn’t an IED but a time bomb.” Arvin looked at the eyes of his brother. “I guess father really insists that one of us should join him in heaven.” He chuckled afterwards.

“That isn’t funny captain.” James stared at his brother sternly.

Arvin tore his dog tag from his neck and handed it down to James. “My turn to narrate my last will.” He smiled and continued looking at James amused face. “You take care of mother, okay? Take care of my wife Julia and my son Kyle.” Tears started to race form his eyes down his cheeks. “Make sure they are feeding Homer properly.” He was referring to his golden retriever back home.

“Cut the drama bother, you’ll be fine.” James stated. He pivoted and gave a salute over his captain and said, “I’ll be back captain.”

Arvin smiled and gave a salute back to his brother. “Carry on, first lieutenant.”

After James took fifty steps away from his brother, the bomb detonated.

“Brother!!!” James exclaimed and called out to the forest.

The EOD unit came out shortly after hearing the loud blast. Too late for Arvin died over the explosion, almost the same as his father General Antonio Vasquez.

The casualties who gave their life off for the benefit of the country’s freedom were properly acknowledged. All of them, along the injured soldiers received a Medal of Valor—the highest honor received by an armed force but their memories and their valiant hearts are enough to tribute them for their nationalism.

I should have said no

2010-12-09T21:36:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of events which occurred in my life that I seemed to be so helpless. I know for certain that I can't enumerate all but plain to say, they're numerous.

Just as I don't know how to see things yet before they occur and end up watching all the things I build up crashing down.

To my great dismay I am now in total dilemma. I don't know what to do. So help me God.

Our Love's a Perfect Crime

2010-12-08T01:05:00.000-08:00

Everyday but all I have is time

our love's a perfect time

Just put your hands on me. I wanna reiterate this to those with dirty minds.

Remembering my sweet escapades with Yancee last summer; kids in love rather, and my fairytale life with Jasper just two months ago--hang me.

Whenever Cheeno tells Japhet the reason why I suddenly turned slim to fat, i feel guilty. I know Dadi Linkz will help me out with this.

Love: like not everyone knows is an offense-in a major (major) way. I loved, was disturbed, ruined but now bouncing back--alive. Those stale memories should I guess be buried. With much respect to Jasper's married life and to his wife Kaye, I now proclaim my moving on. Bye Jazz. Farewell to our petty crimes. Goodbye to the laptop, Aphone, keyboard, C.Raine electric guitar, platinum banded ring, cellphone, chuck taylor emo shoes, and your family which you gave me when we were still together. You know why I returned all of those. I know you'll understand, but one thing's for sure, I'll be selfish enough not to give back our memories.

Though now that I am still torn between loving and missing you, I know deep within me that you'll be happy with Kaye and the family you are about to have in a few months time. My stays in Cebu were worth the while. I'll miss your family and I extend my thanks to them for treating me like a part of the family. I don't hold grudges among you and Kaye for what had happened. I know it was forth coming. As a girl, it would be sad if the father of my child leaves me and that would happen to Kaye if I didn't let you go. So I am letting you go.

I don't know if it is still right to feel this way until now. But give me a break, those things happened so fast. Singing your wedding song stabbed me--bloody hell, but i would have saved the tears. I'll miss you. Let's be friends and be mature enough to face our lives without each other.

Goodbye. See you soon. And to Kaye, love Jazz with all your heart. Be a good wife and a good mother to your future child. I'll be fine.

who's fault was it anyway????

2010-11-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

            Sometimes, people just can't get enough of the feeling of being respected. Others try to abuse such values and think high of themselves. Hey guys, don't tell me you are putting yourself up the pedestal?

            A lot complain about people who have attitude problems; but whose fault is it anyway? Whenever they can't seem to grasp someones's behavior or if others' attitude can't suit them, they are using the long abused phrase or term called "ATTITUDE PROBLEM".

            To get things over and done with, let's see the side of the circle. If anyone happens to unlike everyone's behaviour then it might not be everyone's fault then. See? The problem is that there are just some people who can't seem to adjust to different characteristics. Well in that case, I strongly advise such people to live in a cave. If they can't bend with others, why not live without them? Try to live in a ghost town or perhaps go out of space.

             We are living in a huge world. There are billions of people and God made everyone unique. So it is understandable that there are also billions of different individual personalities smothering the world mayo. If you can't bear to get along with everybody then make your own world to live in--with you and people like you who can't understand the word "DIFFERENCE".

             I hope that one day, those people will realize how awful it is to live with folks so much similar to them--a clone perhaps.

           Mingle. Love. Understand. Tell the Truth. Don't be scared. God will protect you.

a day to say "i do"

2010-09-06T03:39:00.000-07:00

Remembering sad thoughts would only make things even more grim.

Grim. What a word? Well that's it! Now that everything cooled off--(I guess), i may say that it would better be this way--few friends but true, a bunch of avid friends to be, inspirers on the go, enemies on the loose who will not stop until they see you gone (but a big no-no), a warm family whom i always love to go home to, best friends who will always remind me that LOL is just a text or call away, and to keep it all balanced; a boyfriend who is always there but is actually not there--my everdearest ghost boyfriend Yancee.

For the past storms i surpassed, cheers to my self. As I may always say, there's always a time for everything. Though for a couple of times, tough became even tougher, I strongly and bravely went through.

There's a day to say "I do". Not on the context of wearing a white couture dress with a vail, lovingly walking on the aisle. No. But i will finally say I already got married. I already embraced life! That is why if life is punching me here and there, I would understand because life is my husband. LOL.

Ears are not for hearing but for listening...

2010-07-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

Well it just isn't.

It's not about singing "Your Not Sorry" under the mango tree watching different faces passing by while lying on a swing. It's definitely not the 3 guitar strings I happened to break while I was practicing my audition piece, Hiery it isn't the blisters I have in my fingers for gripping and clipping the strings as I was strumming some melodies to life.

While looking at the pedestrian making their way to their respective destination, I came to realize that it really doesn't mean that while you're on your journey, people shoulod cheer for you to go. You can walk alone.

Sometimes, it can be of a great pain to be reflecting that on your long excursion, no one walks beside you but your self. You succumbed into the thought that you should and would rather be alone and take the long journey home. Well it just isn't. While you are looking beside you, you forgot something important. You didn't remember to look up-- God is just there, watchn your every move and guiding you in every step that you take.

I remember kuya Arnel saying this when he was teaching me to play the piano before. "Your hands have its own ears. As you strike the keys, especially when it is your first time, you'll realize that you want to strike more to the point that you are making your own melody. But as you learn to read notes, you abide by what you read on the sheet music. Only a few people loves to listen to the melodies that there own hands make. Listen to the melody. Strike relentlessly, and you'll discover that your hands are becoming light as the feathers, it's because of the freedom you are feedom. You haven't noticed that God is playing the piano with you. You are making the melody and He is laying on the accompaniment."

And as he was saying those words, he strike the piano keys without reading the sheet music. His hands were really as light as the feather. And then did I realize that God is playing the piano with him. There is no need to be a virtuoso but as long as you learn to listen. Just learn to listen.

Sometimes, our anger is blocking our logic. We are lulled into the stage of denial as pride makes its way to our hearts. Thus, we tend not to listen. You just hear the words but you forget to listen--it's hearing with understanding, its hearing with empathy.

It isn't just it. Once you'll learn to listen, things would be better. So instead of saying that the ear is for hearing, you should slap yourself and say you're wrong. Ears are for hearing not, but for listening.

that's why i love the rain...

2010-07-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

That is what I love about the rain. Now that it's cold, you long for warmth.

I've never been this happy in my entire life. Now I always look forward to going home and spending my moments with my family, watching movies together, laughing about things that had happened recently and being with my life now--raven.

My boyfriend might feel like his not important to me but he also is. I've always looked forward to this kind of family--we are so happy.

For my coursemates who always let me borrow their books and for the few friends i had hung out with lately, i wish i am with you all the time. You let me see the bright and beautiful side of life. I couldn't be any happier. LOVE.

ampalaya people....could be the most comic pipol in the whole world...

2010-07-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

They have wasted their time posting someting, commenting on posts and all, claiming they have already moved on...but wait...why the bitter?

If you say you want to be silent then zip your stupid (that adjective really fits you...sorry...) mouth and let all things be as is and stand on your ground, staying silent!!!!...

You always say that you have already moved on but here you are... bringing up the issue again and again. Is that what you mean by moving on???----gosh, excuse me.

There you go, slapping issues on people's faces when you already said you don't mind them. Why waste your time on people whom you already said you don't care about when in total FACT, they don't care the more about you.

You pity them? No. That is not the case. Truth is that you pity yourself for caring about these people...whom you thought would bow down before you and kiss the land your paving, but at the end, bit you. You really can't live without this people that you are raging whenever you know that they are happy. Why just leave these peope alone?! You are just a walking definition of the word INSECURE.

If you say these people gather pity from other people then leave that somebody alone. What difference would there be from the two of you when you also say what you feel about his/her acts to also to fetch people's acknowledgement bout what you feel. so in other words, you are even worse than the person na ikina-puputok ng butsi mo!...

Just keep quiet because all the more, you will appear to be comic after all the things you've been doing. Comic???--the understatement of the year!!!

perder a mi hermano mayor (missing kuya)

2010-06-20T20:04:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this in Spanish so that not everyone will encrypt.. this message is especially for you kuya j)

El hermano, yo soy tan sory para todas las cosas que hice a husted. Se que cause aflegieria. Usted me puede llamar un mentiroso todo desea. Fui dolido realmente pero soy fino. Yo siempre le he respetado y le adorado.

Fue siempre alli cuando llore y amis momento felices. Ellos quizas pensen que es malo, pero para mi usted es el mejor hermano enn el mundo.

Lamento mucho a hermano y te quero tanto.Adios y gracias por todo! Idios bendice!

It's Good To Be Back...(To My Senses...Perhaps)

2010-05-31T22:48:00.001-07:00

Been there. Done That.

Let bygones be bygones.

I came back to see where I belong. Stubborn-yes! Hardheaded-sure! Liar-no way!

I am an emo. (Sure I am.) Whatever comes from my mouth is the entire truth--for those who knows who I really am. If I tell you 'your dress is nice'--I mean it. If I tell you "i don't like your attitude"--yeah I mean it (for sure). But that doesn't mean that because I act different from what other people expect and assume me to do means that I am a total rebel--doesn't mean that I don't get hurt, doesn't mean that I could just let everything pass. It could be too much that at some point I can't bear it anymore, and in some instances I tend to be more suicidal. From my 17 years of existence in the world mayo, I still am not good at handling problems. There are a lot of things that I know I can't change, I know I can't return, I know I can't replay but I am struggling to fight what I long have been. Silly. But as far as I know, I am really like this. I don't ask you to believe everything that I say but even for a moment, consider how I feel when you try not to listen, when you try not to care. It damn hurts a lot. But I know I can't please everyone. I am not after being in good terms with everyone--I am not Miss Congeniality. But at least, I want not to be hated--though unloved, it's okay than to be unwanted. =)

CONFUSIONS

2010-05-28T02:52:00.000-07:00

If ever I am nowhere to be seen, just think of me as your reverie.

For the last months, it have been so hard to sleep. I can't clarify why. I really want to leave, to start a life anew, meet new friends--run away from everything that is smothering me here. It's just so hard to accept the fact that those things you want to runaway from are the things you know you would never live without. I am torn; between leaving Dumaguete, my friends and the life I had started to establish, and with the hunger to be free--to gasp the air of freedom, freedom from the consequences of my acts. I just can't help but be sorry for all that would be wasted but I really tried to fight, but i was too weak to go on,, and so I am planning to leave--by all means.

I am so sorry to those people who trusted me so much. I never meant to fail you as much as I did fail myself. This has never been better, hope you all understand. It has always been hard--very hard.

As of today, March 28, 2010, I am still not sure of what is ahead of me--still not sure. Maybe next week I am already inhaling the fresh air of Zamboanga--0r--I'll be finding myself queuing up for the enrollment--I still don't know.

But one thing's for sure, whatever might happen, it is for the best (at least so).

It's Not Goodbye; Till We Meet Again

2010-04-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

It's not yet goodbye...but, till we meet again...

The fact that four of my most beloved kuyas are leaving, is so startling. They already finished their studies and I may say, (congratulations mga kuya), but it is still so vague. It still seems that they will forever be a part of TN and we will always be together. Holidays have been fun because I spent it with them. Looking back to the minute I stepped my foot on the TN office, it was then that I realized that I will be a part of it--and sure it did, I became a staffer!

I don't have a brother but in TN, I am full with brotherly love. They all inspire me and makes me wish I had a real brother but their mere presence is enough. I love all of my kuyas.

KUYA JUNRELL CALUNOD (TN EiC) My original Kuya

The first time I knew that he was the EiC, I laughed at my self. Because at first, I thought Kuya Noriel was Junrell Calunod. I mistook him for being the eic because he was always there at the written exam and the interview.

Kuya Junrell, as I would squeeze my first impression, is respectable. It is when you look at him, you really can't say that he is just a normal student. He has the air of leadership and you can't just say he is a typical college student in the whole system of NORSU.

We were really not that close but as I would remember, he gives the warmest brotherly hug in the world when you need him. He gives you advises that you can easily relate upon. WAPU members are Kuyas closest but he showed to us--the Adam's Apple Society Girls--that we are his little sisters.

I also was very touched when Kuya showed his total concern for me when I was in the hospital. (Thank you for the icecream kuya--it saved my life actually.) Though he is always busy, he never forgets to jam with all of us. That is what I will miss about Kuya the most.

He is about to move on to another chapter in his life. We, who are left, will still embattle with the challenges he was had fought and conquered but we will always be inspired because at teh end of the day, there will always be a Kuya Junrell whom we can run to--no matter how far the distance.

KUYA MARVIN JAY MUPAL (TN News Editor) My lovable Kuya

He nitiated the Adam's Apple Society. I would always laugh at his clever jokes and would be touched by his brotherly concern to everyone though he would often stretch it in a funny manner.

At first, Kuya Mavs, as what I thought he was, was strict--writing wise. He is a good editor and he is responsible with his work.

We, the AAS girls are very close to him, especially Rolyn, Lycel, and I. He is always there, ready to make your eyes teary with laughter. Even if we have problems, being with Kuya Mavs would always remind us that life, indeed, is still worth living. I love you kuya mavs!

KUYA PAUL DENVER SY (TN Web Master) My 1/8 Chinese Kuya

Kuya Paul has always been approachable from the start.

I will not forget the time he taught us how to make a blogger account though he was rushing to his class. He is one of the few people who I salute for their knowledge in computer stuffs. What a computer freak you are kuya Denver!!! hahaha...

I always ask for his help when I (show my ignorance in civilization) can't seem to know how to make things possible through the computer, when I want to research a song, if I want to listen to a song, and whenever I sing a song, he does the searching for me...oh, sweet kuya Paul.

Though you told me before that you are sad because you don't have a special someone, and I can't believe it because you are so good-looking (Ahemmmm!)

Time will come Kuya that girls will fall in line for you. Hehehe... You will soon find the perfect girl for you. Someone who could take good care of you and someone whom you could take care of too.

KUYA CHRISTIAN EDU VILLEGAS (TN ARTIST) My cute Kuya

Thoug we were close only at the second semester, I still could say that I love kuya Tian!

Whenever I need an advise, he is just a text away. He knows some of my secrets too--he is a good listener.

Kuya Tian you will be a teacher soon. Keep on inspiring people with your warmth and charm... God Bless you Kuya Tian!!!

I love all of my Kuyas. I will miss them. Till we meet again my beloved Kuyas!!!

Owl City - Vanilla Twilight - Music Video

2010-03-26T01:26:00.001-07:00

more about "Owl City - Vanilla Twilight - Music V...", posted with vodpod

I lost Everything

2010-03-26T00:25:00.000-07:00

I lost everything but not that quite. I must say that the battle has long been over, that all that are left are the debris of miseries and remorse. I know I don't have the capacity to take it all back. But I want to change. How can I do this if I will never be given the chance to?

I am just tired

2010-03-25T01:53:00.000-07:00

To everyone whom I have caused pain to--I'm so sorry, I am just tired--please bear with me.

A.) If I have been a real pain in the neck. If I really have been so, well, please bear with me. This is just me; I can adjust but not totally revoke my character. Emo they may say--I admit that I am--so they care? I care for all of you and please have the patience to stick with me...I really can't live alone.

B.) I am a great pessimist. I can't pretend to think positive if things around me are freaking me out. Once I say I want to die, it seems to be a consolation that at the end of the day, there will be two outcomes. It's either I will die, or those whom/which I hate the most will vanquish. But in the 17 years of my existence, neither of the two choices were granted. I wonder why. Maybe it is because... my pessimistic words are a reciprocating force that drives things to become positive. Because if not, I could have hung myself on the tree long time ago.

C.) Stupid Mood Swings. Sometimes, I become happy and on the next moment, I want to stab people who crosses my peripheral view. Damn it! I swear I don't like this attitude problem. But I salute those people who are long immuned with my unbearable behavior, I love you all guys.

D.) I have a criminal mind--joke!!!--but I want it to be true. How I wish have this kind of ability. Like owning a death note, I really want to start writing names!

On this side of town

2010-03-22T01:15:00.000-07:00

I said I was just dying. I never said I would like to live. If I'll die--so be it!

He Held My Hand

2010-03-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

He whispered the words that "I'll miss you"

and left a note outside the door

he said I'll be back some time

before our hearts grow cold

and you've never seen this heart

we never spent more than a day apart
you can say he's up to something

I can sense he's up to something

Cause he found love out west

he found everything that wasn't me

he found love in California

and I'm destined to start over

now I'm destined to start anew

cause I have everything in you...

So as goes the song of Four Letter Lie "Stay For A Lifetime". The question is, "Can he still stay with me? Everything has not been OK since he went away. I waited. I cried. Yet, I don't want to surrender.

I already begged for him to stay. He didn't listen. He moved away. He left me. Yet now, I am still missing him.

I already promised myself that I will never mention him again, but I still do. I never get tired of calling his name in the middle of the night, looking up the sky, hoping that he watches the stars like I do. Though always in tears, I reminisce our happy times together.

It has been a year since he left. The last time we were together was when he sent me home. Together, we went to my bestfriend's house. Holding the camera, he took pictures of me and him and my bestfriend appreciated his shots. I told him that he can be a good photographer someday--so off he went.

"Let's go home." I told him.

He smiled and held my hand. "Whatever you like, *****"

He drove his motorcycle and I was right behind hugging him. It could have been sweet but not till he told me he's going to Manila. I was in tears but I remained strong hoping that everything will be OK.

Months went by, I found a new love. He is still stuck in Manila and is already a photographer. Girls flock around him while I am still here, waiting and wishing he would come back.

Not till one fateful night...

He told me he's already in Dumaguete. I wondered if he was just joking or what. I asked him if it was true. He did not answer.

Janet, on the other hand, really wants to help me because he is not replying my text messages. Janet texted him and he replied. She told him everything which I know I can't afford to tell him.

There, I got the closure I wanted from the start. He let me go.

Many people are asking me, why I am like this. I just smile and say "I'm EMO".

This is the answer to all your questions.

Jerome Olarte (Jhom

) was my best friend. He used to teach me how to play basketball. He taught me how to play the guitar. He went with me to World Of Fun and played just for me. He won a stuffed toy that time and gave it to me. I still have it till now--Wesley.

We were friends for so long.We were together most of the time. He promised me he would stay with me forever-- I believed him then.

But there was something about the way he held my hand. It signaled a thought of him saying goodbye. Girl's instincts are often true. I believe it now.

Truth? I am still not over him. I don't know until when will I shake him off my heart. He used to be my everything, and now that he's gone, I lost every part of me. He is now happy with his life and I am here, stuck with my memories of him.

It's so painful. Seeing a couple holding hands is one of the daily sights which tortures me. I tried to divert my attention to someone.. yet I still can't. No one could ever equate with the love I out poured before just and only for him.

I want to be happy. Yet every time I try to be, people always judge me. They value their opinion more than they should have listened to what I should say.

The issue on being close with boys doesn't mean I'm flirting. I just miss him, that's all. Boys have more sense than when you talk to girls.

I miss him everyday. I miss him so bad. How can I move on or find some one new if every day of my life, he occupies my thoughts and my heart. I need help. Bad thing about falling in love is not moving on.

The next time that someone will hold my hand,I hope it means forever. I miss you.

Diversion Avenue

2010-03-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

Looking back at what Cheeno told me, "You are so pathetic hon." with a sheepish smile. (the nerve of him!) Well, I don't mind. The truth that I am pathetic is already established in the pages of Encyclopedia Britanica. (better check it if you don't agree)

Because of that, I am diverting my attention to my crushes in the Anime world. They won't leave me. That's the best thing about them. The following are my crushes, my future husbandsssss... hahaha...exaggerated.

Death Note Instructions. Tackled here are the rules that must be remembered in using the note of death. (If it happens to be true, I wanna start writing names!!! evil laughs)

L. His name is L. He is weird but cool. (I love his hair--ofcourse! It reminds me of him... shivers!)

Light. The main character of Death Note. (He's so yummy isn't it???)

Mello. One of L's descendants. (The rugged type.)

Near. L's successor. He is so much like L. (Yummy also...)

Mikami Teru. I don't know much about him. (But all I know is that he's cute. Period.)

Cloud. My ultimate crush--cloud. He is from "Final Fantasy Seven". (He is my future husband, you bet!!!)

Gaara. From Naruto--Gaara. (Look at the eyeliner... wehhh!!!)

Sasuke. (Look at the hair... Who comes to your mind?? Ha? As in? NOt so.. giggles...)

Sai. (Actually, we're engaged).

Pain. He's a beauty.

Kira Yamato. From Gundam Seed Destiny.

Natsume. He bears the fire alice... Alice academy hearthrob.

Narumi-Sensei. He has the human pheromone Alice.

Tamahome. From Fushigiyugi. (My first crush)

Sasuke.Full Metal Panic.

Rukawa. Slum dunk dashing romeo.

There you go. The final set of 2010's "Catherine's Crushes in the Anime World". Whatever you may say, I am so inlove with all of them. Next time, I will post my lamentations about life and love life--but I'm getting tired of it already. Shivers!

Catherine will be dead and gone-for good

2010-03-11T20:19:00.000-08:00

...How can I not love you when you are gone...

No matter what they say, unmindful of what they do, I still, and forever will be loving you.

Though the whole world may not understand. Others may say I am hard headed. Yes, I admit I am what they think of me. They don't know what I am feeling.

Thanks.

To everyone who patienly listened to everything I said and to those who just pretended to care, still, thank you. You all know that it is slowly killing me. I love him, you all know. But it's just forbidden. I am struggling to fight this feeling off of me. The outcome is still the same. I am still stuck on him-- and only him. Mind you. (I don't care what you guys say. This is me, and this is my life.)

Sorry.

I know I've hurt his feelings for so many times but he was still with me all the way, to support me. This past few months, the relationship and teh kind of bonding we had deteriorated. I don't know what evil factors influenced him.

The last time I saw him, he's still the same. He greeted everyone except me. I bursted into tears when I got home because we used to be the closest. What happened to you ****? I am so sorry if I was not there to help you when you needed me. I am so sorry.

Wish you Well.

I really don't know till when I could stay. As I look around, I can't help but cry whenever I remember all my happy memoires here. I know I am not a lot. I am not a loss. So I am already leaving. I know everyone will be happy. I wish you well guys. I'll miss everybody.

Vanilla Twilight

2010-03-09T00:45:00.000-08:00

The stars lean down to kiss you

And i lie awake and miss you

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'cause i'll doze off safe and soundly

But i'll miss your arms around me

I'd send a postcard to you dear

'cause i wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue

But it's not the same without you

Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad

'til i look at my hands and feel sad

'cause the spaces between my fingers

Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways

Though i haven't slept in two days

'cause cold nostalgia

Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight

I'll sit on the front porch all night

Waist-deep in thought because

When i think of you i don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone i don't feel so alone

As many times as i blink

I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter

And heavy wings grow lighter

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And i'll forget the world that i knew

But i swear i won't forget you

Oh if my voice could reach

Back through the past

I'd whisper in your ear

Oh darling i wish you were here

Moon and Earth

2010-03-08T23:49:00.000-08:00

Ever realized why the love we ever wanted was never granted? Why do we always feel like we are cheated and dumped. This is simply because the love we wanted is not meant for us.

It is like the moon and the earth. We can be close but could never be together. No matter how we try to be good, no matter how we try to make up, your dreams of having the man of your dreams will just splatter especially if your love is not meant to be.

It’s the Guilt that’s Still Killing Me

2010-01-28T18:52:00.000-08:00

By Catherine Quiao Dicen

Never have I imagined that I will be the only person who will never see you on your very last day.

The day was fair. January 28, 2007 was the day me and my friends have waited for since we are expecting to watch a movie. Our biology teacher gave us a task to research about genetic engineering and genetically modified foods and/or organisms. The deadline would be the next day. I never really thought that the day I imagined to be ‘all fun and merriment’ will be the day I will despise the word “fun”.

Seven-thirty in the morning, my cousin went to our house and delivered the bad news. Lola collapsed and there would be no one who will watch over her for my uncle and his family is out for swimming. She has Alzheimer’s that is why she is kept inside a room so that she will not wander around. It already happened that my Lola got lost because she looked for something until she reached another barangay.

My mama got frantic and asked me to go with her and watch over Lola’s condition but I refused. Our get-together with my friends was already engraved in my mind and nothing could ever stop that. I insisted that I still have to research in the afternoon because the deadline was fast approaching. Mama believed me then; I was relieved.

At about 11 in the morning, hey decided to bring Lola to the hospital because she was still unconscious and she was snoring- a signal for a heart attack. Still I didn’t mind. My mind was occupied with happy thoughts and I was looking forward to that day. One in the afternoon, mama and I got out of the house for two different reasons; she is admitting Lola to the hospital while I will be going to the movie house with my friends. The latter reason was beyond my parents’ knowledge. They thought that I will go for my research purposes only.

When I got at our meeting place, it seemed as if I forgot about the commotion with our family. We all headed to the movie house and watched. While inside the dark place, I was becoming uncomfortable. It was like I became claustrophobic. I held my chest for a moment for I found it hard to breathe. The situation was becoming unbearable. I told my best friend that I was not feeling well. She just told me to calm down and not to worry because the movie was about to end.

When it finally ended, we went to an internet café to do our research and because it was becoming dark outside, I was weary. My papa would really scourge at me for going home late. So we decided to photo copy the printed research papers.

When I went home, I proved that I was not wrong. Papa has gone mad and beat me with a broom stick. That brought me back to my senses. Though after it my legs were full of bruises, it didn’t ache. It was my heart. The guilt covered my whole being. Papa told me that I was a very inconsiderate grand daughter. It hurts the more.

The thought of disregarding my granny’s condition was the most painful part of it all. Though I was in tears, I swore and let out the four-letter word. I felt so bad. Granny died without me looking over her and might as well, told her that I don’t know how to start a life without her. So much remorse embraced me. Then did I start to feel that I was very futile. Every word that I was saying was useless. She’ll never hear it from me- never.

Until this very day, granny’s third year death anniversary still hurts. It’s still killing me that I wonder for the 3 years of my existence since, I was still whole. I managed to survive and I am living this life for my Lola and only for her.

-ADHIE…

I remember this

2010-01-21T02:34:00.000-08:00

This was the time when we partied our heart out. Oh, I so remember the time I ached my feeet a lot to just give the night's colorful meaning and give in to the call of the rhythm. Well, I just danced and danced till I no longer feel my feet. Funny it may seem, I did get to dance with all of my friends even my so called enemies whatsoever. I'm so chubby that time!!! hahaha I'm proud of my baby fats though and look at my shoulder, it's so fair. I haven't recovered from my swimming in Bahura taht's why I'm not that white compared before.

This picture is dated February 13, 2009- our Senior's Ball way back in High School. It was held at the OK Pension House. (I went home late. Almost 1 in the morning, hahah. Bad Cathereine, Bad... Hahaha...)

For Lolo with Love

2010-01-11T01:23:00.000-08:00

By Catherine Q. Dicen

It has been so long seen I haven’t visited my grandparents in Zamboanga Del Sur. The first time I’ve been there was when I was still an infant, a toddler and now; next year I’ll be having my first step to elementary.

The trip via ship was very exhausting but I enjoyed the view very much. Though all I could see is the vast seas and some islands far beyond sight, the excitement deep within me grew much more.

Because papa is working in Malaysia, mama was our only guide there. Mama is the eldest among the 12 siblings. Very industrious Lolo is, isn’t it? (Laughing) When we got there, we took a long ride by a bus going to Pagadian City.

While we were inside the bus, I haven’t controlled my inquisitiveness. I asked my mother, “Mama, how does Lolo look like?” All the passengers who heard my query laughed. Mama did too. I was really puzzled why they have to fall about it. Was that question funny? (Now I know why. It’s so innocent of me!!! Laughing)

I was really disgusted with the smell of vomits inside the bus-yuck! Why does this kind of people get dizzy this easily? In that case, they should not take a trip by bus in the first place. This trip is becoming too unbearable.

When we finally got off the bus, I automatically filled my lungs with fresh air. It’s so nice to be alive after the tiresome spree. I strolled my eyes with the sight that the place beholds; God! This place is paradise.

The simple houses are peacefully opposing each other separated by the highway. At the back of my grandparent’s house is a bountiful rice field. Trees of different kind are artistically bragging their excellence on earth as the midday sun touches their leaves that sway through the caress of the cool breeze. Beside is a flowing river which endorses its crystal clear water. Some of the village people were having there bath there while others enjoyed chatting about anything and everything under the sun.

My grandma welcomed us. She kissed us all; my Ate who readily recognized her kissed her too, my youngest sister who was very sweet (that time because she was still very young, but now I don’t know- evil laugh.). Because I was still surveying the place with my eyes, I didn’t hear my grandma calling me.

But when I do, mama looked at me as if she was going to pinch me. I went straight up to Lola and hugged her so tight as if there’s no tomorrow. I asked, “Where is Lolo, Lola?” She smiled and sadness crossed her eyes for a while and then she smiled and said, “How sweet of you Adhie to have looked for your Lolo.” Then she laughed, “He’s inside. Come, I know he is waiting for you all.” I followed.

The sight of my mother’s old home brought me warm feelings. I know that my mama was happy to be there too after a very long time of living in Dumaguete with my papa.

My eyes then looked for Lolo. He was there.

Tears fell from eyes as I saw him. The thoughts that he was very strong and that he could still carry me were all misconceptions. He was lying on his bed. Cancer embraced and ruptured my once very healthy Lolo. He had a tongue cancer. He was very happy to see us that he tried to get up of his bed but Lola assisted him so that his back leaned on the pile of pillows behind him.

I run to meet his arms. I sobbed at his shoulder. He hugged me and told me how much he missed me; my good old Lolo. I know he was in deep pain. He just endures the pain. He doesn’t eat. He just drinks milk all the time. I sometimes even wonder how he still managed to be strong- maybe it was for us.

The next days we spent there was all fun. I enjoyed my aunts and uncles’ company. One thing I’ll miss when I got home was the river. There were I learned how to swim.

Our two weeks stay in my grandparent’s haven was full of good memories that I wouldn’t give it away for the world. Months passed, while at school, I felt my heart thumped. I don’t know why. When I got home, I was welcomed by my mama’s continuous sob. I went directly to her room. She was holding a telegram telling her that she must go home because our Lolo just passed away.

I cried with my mom. We all wept for the loss of my grandpa. She went to Pagadian and left us with our aunt because we still have classes to attend to. I was really tormented.

Now that Lolo Billy or Lolo Robert Suico Quiao has long been a part of God’s Kingdom and I’m very sure of it. Though we haven’t been together for a very long time yet until now I could still feel his love. I know that he’s watching over me; my ever loved Lolo. Lolo Billy, I love you so much and I am very happy that you are no longer in pain now. Though you are long gone, we could still feel your presence and love. Lolo, I will always remember you. Many years have passed since you left us yet the love still remains the same. We love you Lolo Billy!

Broken Hearted

2010-01-11T00:15:00.000-08:00

After trying to reconcile, we still broke up- we're not meant to be. I am so over you!!!

I lengthened my patience, tried to be understanding yet still, nothing happened. Maybe some things are just meant to last only for a while. Or maybe, something's just wrong that we can't try to fix. After all, we're still broken.

It has always been like this. If I am trying to play the mood, the other just can't jive and if I am so fed up, it's when it becomes merry. We're so different.

At first, I already felt that I can't bear the pain yet still I pushed through; hoping that the tired feeling will be gone- nothing happened still.

I'm already tired. I'm fed up. I can't go on. I'm so tired of- DANCING!!!

When All Else Fails

2010-01-07T03:05:00.000-08:00

By Catherine Q. Dicen

Heart stated it was time

Mind adverted and said it was hostile

The two quarreled and gave all their best rebuttal

Yet still the core of affection reined

It was a long path that ended in a crossroad.

The others took the one most traveled

I took the one less paved

And so I started to hike the excursion of no certain destination

It was sinister, bleak and dim.

But I draw together all the courage I had

To carry on the march of no turning back

And is where I’ve reached a stop over.

Will I get on or get off?

Confusion covered my whole being

I don’t know the way back,

Neither is the way out.

I ran, with no exact pace

Unsure of the bearing

I’ve bumped here and there

But I still pushed through

I never know if what I felt dripping was sweat of fret.

No! It was blood! I’m bleeding…

Who will help me?

Is somebody behind me following my track?

I tumbled. I tried to stand but all my senses are drained.

The next thing I saw was darkness

Even a single star is out of sight

And then did I start to fear.

Am I now stuck in this bizarre?

But I was surprised that I was not alone.

I’ve got a lot of companion.

It’s “me, my self, and I”.

First Post For 2010

2010-01-04T20:38:00.000-08:00
Past . . . Present . . . Future

My new perspective for the year 2010 is “LOVE “.

Now that I am a year younger to maturity, and now that I have seen things come and go my way; I could declare that last year has been very prosperous- for me.

He has come back. I don’t know if I should entertain him again (him or the feelings?) now that he will be coming back to Dumaguete, and to my life. Decision’s hard at this very moment. He who made me realize how weak I am. He who made me feel so dumb. But he was the one who made me stronger and tougher from what he has done.

Present. I am so much enjoying his company (feeler of me hahaha ). We don’t have anything that I could brag about but it’s the kind friendship that we have that could make me say “he’s worth the while”. What’s with him that I can’t help but SMILE (he really has something, actually, I hate to smile but I always do when his around).

Future. I can’t say anything about him but (he’s my crush in college). (Evil laugh) Why future? (So assuming of me) Well, future friend really!

Welcome 2010!!! I so love you.

Be careful of Counter Playing DAw??,

2009-12-17T19:52:00.000-08:00
Hahaha... after calling me bitch, the culprit who is fond of playing innocent is flying to Manila today.. hope he'll never come back.. the better. He even texted my sister. Girls should be careful of counter playing daw. Really?

I really wanna kill the crap!!! Thick faced crap!!! Damn him for acting like I was the total villain of his ever dreamed love story.Why not just let my serene world be ever tranquil? Why always crumple my world? I am so much better off without him.. he must have known that and I don't have plans to go back to his dungeon. Never again.

http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54487/382/5C9B503A782534EE3219915E300BE609.png

For My New Confidante- JOVANNE

2009-12-15T03:27:00.000-08:00

Maybe he still doesn't know how he has been saving me all this time. I really do need a friend (for those whom I call ones were now gone and deserted me. That was life. Do I really have to be called a bitch, be humiliated and insulted before I get the idea that they are not worthy to be my con of friends.

Thanks to Jovanne- a friend through text and turned to a friend at heart. I have trusted him my blogger password even if we are still not that close? Oh, well, I don't even know why I have trusted him that much at first, I don't care. He even did critic my blog. I hope and bet that he's telling the whole truth.

He even was the first one to read my novel "DOTA vs GIRLFRIEND". Haha. If he was not lying that time, he said that it was lengthy but nice. See?, a nice friend indeed.

Thank you so much Jovanne (Ban2x) for being there for me when I needed someone badly. I really do appreciate your presence. You are one great friend Ban.

If you'll be reading this, your reply must be typed in the comment box below this post, OK? hehehe I'm really sure about that. Another favor; please make me a face book account. I forgot mine. hehe... I'm just too old to remember passwords. God speed Ban! God will bless friends like you. Miss you on this very moment. =)

2009-12-13T22:16:00.000-08:00

This is the present wall paper of our computers in the The NORSUnian office. As seen in the picture, Kuya Junrell (TN's Editor-in-Chief) is with Megan Fox. And I am with Santa Claus...rock and roll santa! Merry Christmas everybody!

I'm Now Seventeen!

2009-12-11T13:28:00.000-08:00
Days before Dec.12, Ate Nadine, our Associate Editor, planned for Kuya Junrell's birthday celebration.

The plan is to make Kuya to over night in the TN office in the 11th of Dec. and we, the staffers, will stay in the CED Lounge until 11:50 to serenade Kuya when it's already Dec. 12, 2009.

We all tiptoed our way to the office. I brought the pancit for Kuya, they lighted the candles of his birthday cake, and together, with Kuya Marvin playing the guitar, we serenaded Kuya Junrell whom that time was already sleeping.

Kuya was evidently happy and shocked that time. He blew the candles of his cake and I was surprised that they all sang happy birthday for me too. Someone brought in a cake, and that cake was for me!

I was also shocked. I blew the (i don't know what's with that candle na dili man jud siya mapalong dayon. Dayon mosiga napud siya usob. Hahaha) candles.

I am happy. I'm seventeen!

DOTA vs. GIRLFRIEND

2009-12-11T01:55:00.000-08:00
DOTA vs. Girlfriend
(Based on a true story)

By Catherine Quiao Dicen

I lie awake, looking at the ceiling, trying to recall the things that happened more than a year ago. Though hurt, I think I already have the strength to unlock the pain I hid at the bottom of my heart way back when.

Just when I thought I already moved on- it was then I realized that I’m a slave of the past. It’s so hard to get over- him.

High school is the best part of my student life (as far as I’m concerned… but my doors are not closed from the idea of calling COLLEGE the best part of student life… if it would be worth the call then why not?) Schoolmates, friends, best friends and classmates are just around the corner. Teachers are fun to be with and are most approachable.

I had a boyfriend then. I was still in third year high school that time. Young, energetic, unmistakably chubby, good at everything except Math (math is my Achilles’ heel). Because of the lost of communication between the two of us (and he really didn’t find ways to contact or see me) I joined a texting Clan.

It was my first experience to join such group which I don’t even know what is going to happen next. My classmate’s boyfriend, who was Allen, FORBIDDEN ELEMENT’S rhythm guitarist (it’s my band, I was the vocalist) gave me the clan’s profile. Out of frustration maybe, I sent the profile to the number below the clan’s name, who happened to be the founder. Minutes later, I was accepted.

After the founder has sent the confirmation message to everybody who stated this way “Please do welcome our new member Silver Magnum 09269754321”, messages have been flooding my phone. Most of the first who welcomed me were girls thinking that I was a boy because of my code name. They asked me for my NASL or name, age, sex, location. I replied this way, “Aya, 16, f, dgte.” I thought the girls were dismayed but instead, they texted or made a GM or group message stating that Silver magnum is a girl.

That was the start of it all. Guys came texting and welcomed me interestedly. It almost ruined my phone that every time I leave it and then get it to text, 30 messages flag the screen.

It was really enjoying that even at summer I just stayed at home texting not my friends but my clanmates. Then an unknown number flashed on my inbox. I read it and he said that he was interested about how guy members of the clan are so interested to me.

I was comfortable with guys actually. First because my best friends mostly are boys, I have a band and I’m the only girl member, my cousins of my age are boys, and one great factor- I don’t have a brother.

I told him that I don’t know, maybe it’s because I can jive with them and I know how to befriend them… it’s not new anymore. Then we became friends. I remember how we watch and talk about Kim Chiu and Gerald Anderson while they were still in Big Brother’s house. I told him that they would be the next big thing in show business. He replied, “And we would also be the same way…in our clan.” I know he was just joking then I rode with his joke and it started our friendship-with-trust stage. I called him “love team” and he too was calling me that.

“I am playing basketball, text you later”, was my message for him.

While in the game, I accidentally tripped on a stone at the basketball court. And that was that. End of my basketball career. My cousins brought me home. They all laughed at me when I told them that I still would like to play. They told me to rest and that they would win the game versus our neighbors for me. I was happy for the dedication.

I remembered that I texted him- love team. I got my phone inside my pouch and was, well, not really surprised to see 30 messages again. I read them all and replied just a few.

I read love team’s message, “Are you really sure that you play basketball?”

I replied, “Just finished playing, and it was the end, I sprained my ankle.”

I wondered why it took him so long to reply. Because of boredom, I fell asleep and was not aware of the time. Hunger woke me up.

“Oh, my! It’s already 2 pm! I just took my breakfast at 6 am.”

I rushed to the kitchen and ate to my heart’s content. My phone beeped. I read the message.

“’Just played basketball too. Sorry for the late reply, I played DOTA.”

“It’s OK. Boys are boys.”

“Are you sure that you played basketball?”

“Of course, you want proof. But if you really want it, please not now. I sprained my ankle remember?”

“I remember. I’m just wondering. You talk like a guy and act like a guy really. Don’t tell me you’re a lesbian?”

“Ha-ha, say what you want to say. But unfortunately, I have a boyfriend. To where the hell he is now, I don’t know. But all I know is that I have one and all are just too informal between the both of us, OK?”

“Sorry to have accused you. But that’s nice of you. You can really mix with us.”

“That’s one special talent, really. Guys are real beasts. It’s so hard to tame them when they are not approachable. The best way to capture their hearts is not through their stomach, but to act and be like them.”

That was based from my previous experiences- with friends, classmates, cousins and admirers. Did I really say that?

“I like the way you think. The ‘best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’ is an old passé. I don’t believe in that really. Men are good cooks. But it is also a plus factor for a man to have a wife who knows how to cook.”

I don’t know if he was talking to himself or if he’s about to tell something but it was all cut out.

“I’ll text you later. I got to play DOTA. Hope you understand.”

“Yup, I will…(try to)” I replied as fast as I could so that he could still read my message. Boys who are thinking about games will really be thinking about it and will forget things prior to it.

It really is so boring to wait for someone to text you when his mind is still flying somewhere. What do I have to do? I thought for a moment then my phone beeped again.

“Sweet, I miss you so much.”, from my long lost boyfriend whatsoever.

“Oh, so you’re still alive?” I replied sarcastically. Actually, I lost my appetite to text all of a sudden.

“Is that what you are going to tell your boyfriend? Don’t you miss me?”
“Ah, really. Why would I? Do I have the reason to. Tell that to the marines! Get lost!” I replied out of anger.

He did not reply. Well the better. What would I squeeze out of that devil? I was about to turn off my phone when I read a message from love team.
“Why do I feel that you are mad?

“Is it that obvious? My god damned boyfriend texted me awhile ago like nothing really matters.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him to get lost.”

I really meant it. For him to get lost, forever, is I guess the greatest consolation I’ll have after all he’s done to me.

The week just passed like any other day. The band planned to join a ‘battle of the bands’ next week. Practice has been tough. My body is not like the way it was before when it comes to music. This jamming is draining all my energy.

“I heard that you will join the battle of the bands.”, texted my STUPID boyfriend.

“And so?” another sarcasm.

“I’ll be there to support you.”

“Oh great, really now? I don’t just ride into someone’s promise and swear it to your life that you’ll be doing that for sure, or else you’ll regret the day you let those words came out from your mouth.” I warned him. Promises are what I hate the most. Especially if it’s broken. Grrrr.

“I’ll surely be there. I won’t miss it for the world.”

“Or else you’ll lose your life!” He’s becoming very unbearable unlike before.

How did the days pass? That I don’t know. Forbidden Element is already in the room with our co-hopefuls. We have prepared for this day for a very long time and loosing is not in our vocabulary.

I texted the crap. He said that he was stuck in traffic and that coming right in time is merely impossible. I should have known better. Another excuse. Why not tell it directly that he can’t come? I really would like to tangle his neck. I hate him!

“Love team? Why did you not tell me that you are joining this battle of the bands thing? I’ll be there.”, his message after I narrated to him that my stupid boyfriend left me on dead air.

“Forbidden Element, you’re next.” , said the usherette while she looked at us one by one.

It almost knocked me off my chair as I heard her soft voice. We all headed to the stage as the band before us sings their piece. My hands are cold and trembling and I know that time that I have a fever. That’s no joke. Plus I have colds. How will I do this?

My band mates are all worried about me. But I told them that we have been working hard for this night, for this very moment of performing in the stage and not a mere fever could stop that.

It was then our turn. We set off the stage and was ready to perform. The audience were yelling as we started our song. I don’t know if they’ll understand why it was like that- I don’t feel well.

After we were done, I automatically got down and was barred by my classmates. They know very well that I was sick. I just smiled to them and headed to the waiting room when someone grabbed my hand.

“Hey! What is this for?” I shouted with joy as I recognized the face. Andrew! Love team.

“I know you were sick. Why did you still perform?” He asked and concern was evident in his eyes.

“I have to give justice to the labor we’ve been through Drew. Our practice sessions were no joke. And I have to do this for myself. But, thanks for coming. I thought you will not make it here.” I told him as he still hold my hand.

“I told you I’ll come, didn’t I?”, his face puzzled because of my statement.

“It’s just I’m used of people breaking their promises.” I looked at him intently.

“You look so beautiful tonight, love team. The most beautiful vocalist I’ve ever seen”, he smiled and showed his dimples. He just diverted the topic.

I laughed. “You’re the most handsome liar on Earth , Drew.”

He giggled then a line of sternness crossed his face. “Why do you have to be that very patient with your boyfriend? I guess he is abusing you and your goodness.”

I looked at him, confused. “I’m just waiting for my anger to outburst. Really, I’m loosing my nerve with this man. I don’t know if he even does care about me or what. Maybe he is too secure that he has this girlfriend he could run to when he is in need.”

“You certainly don’t deserve that!” He was angry but not with me.

“He’ll have his karma in no time.” I said smiling. “I’m just waiting for someone to save me from him.” I turned my back to Drew and started walking towards the waiting room.

We didn’t win but we were still happy that we got the chance to perform in front of a crowd.

I was lying religiously on my bed when my cell phone bleeped. Hoping that it was Drew, I got it at the table.

“I am so sorry for not making it there at the battle of the bands. But you know that I am the most proud boyfriend in the world.”

Really? I want to laugh. Of course, he really is proud. I’m just his decoration for what it’s worth. I didn’t reply.

My phone bleeped again. I read the message from Drew.

“For so long, I thought that you really loved your boyfriend, not ‘till last night.”

I was really puzzled. “What do you mean by that?”

“You need me.”

“Really? How sure are you?”

“I’ll save you from your boyfriend.”

“Really? You’ll save me? And what will you do?”

“You have to break up with him.”

“Why should I?”

“Are all the things he has done to you still not enough?”

“I’m just confused why you have to say that I need you.”

It took centuries before he replied. “I love you Ayanna.”

I was shocked. I told him that we have to meet up. He was I guess very early at the fast food restaurant because I saw that he was really bored looking outside the window.

“Boring, isn’t it?” I told him and he turned to look at me.

“Why do you have to do this?” he asked as if pain was in his heart.

“Do what?” I asked, almost whispering as he dragged the chair so I can sit.

“Making this hard for me.” He went back to seat.

“What are you talking about?” I looked at him seriously.

“Damn it, Ayanna. Damn it!” He said as he turned his back to me and stared at the traffic seen outside the window.

“I really don’t know what you are talking about. Please tell me!” I haven’t controlled a sob. We haven’t fought since. Never.

...to be continued...

My Dream Car

2009-11-26T18:05:00.000-08:00

This is a BLACK BMW SPORTS CONVERTIBLE CAR... my dream car. Am I really that wishful? hehe.. I've been into this car fascination since I've read the novel El Paraiso. My gosh, the bidang lalaki is driving this kind of car. The type of pang-novel na boy is typically rich lang naman to own one. When will I be this rich din kaya to buy me a black BMW convertible. It's a car worth dying for really!!! Donations are available... hehehe, If you want to donate money for me to start investing on this dream of mine, well,well, well, that would be most welcomed.

wala ko kaapil sa IPR...hmmmp!

2009-11-26T17:12:00.000-08:00
Yes, I haven't joined the Inter-personal Relationship Churva of my most beloved The NORSUnian.... Oh my God.. I really imagined the fun we will have but sad that I was confined in the hospital because of the damn DENGUE. Next time I'll see mosquitoes around I will call the police! hahaha... really now?

I just saw the pictures and the videos of the IPR but they said that it was more fun to be there in person rather than just peeping the computer screens...ahw, poor of me... It was me and ate Diane who missed half of our lives for not joining the said IPR. It was really fun. The pictures are near to blasting because it can't contain the fun that the guys felt that time. While they were laughing and giggling and cackling the night away, I was home and shivering. That was too ironic. I know that they love it if we were complete but it was just really too unfortunate.

I was really sad. It was the last IPR of Kuya Junrell and some staffs and I was not there. I feel like I really missed half of my life with it. But I should not be sad. Pictures and Videos I think are enough to immortalize the camaraderie that was the main purpose of the IPR. I wish I had the chance to see DJ Rem dance "Nobody". The guys really prepared for their production numbers. It was really fun in photos and videos, how much more in person?

my pocketbook craze

2009-11-25T16:44:00.000-08:00
When I was sick, guess what???, I've been hooked into reading Pinoy pocketbooks. I can't really believe myself. The act is just so addicting that I can read three pocketbooks per day. And thanks to Precious Hearts Romances for bringing the recent pocketbooks Ive read to life. They are "My Cheating Heart and Midnight Phantom". The former is to be starred by Jake Cuenca and Christine Reyes while the latter is to be starred by Rafael Rossell and Denise Laurel.

It really is an Oh my Gosh for me. I never thought that those books by Martha Cecilia will be televised... is that the right word? I guess I forgot my distaste for Pinoy Pocketbooks way back in High school. I don't even understand why my former classmates are really giggling when they are reading such books. Maybe it was just my excuse because before, I find it hard to comprehend Filipino texts than the English pocketbooks I'm reading which was so much fun. I thought there is nothing more enjoying than it... But I now stand corrected. We really have to check on stuffs that are Nationalistic and patriotic in terms also and we will be surprised how much our own native land has rise and soared when it comes to writing pocketbooks...Too much of Dan Brown will make us antagonistic and sort of (anti-Christ) which I hate to happen and too much of Sidney Sheldon will make us walking horrors...Though I also commend J.K Rowling and Stephenie Meyer for their unbelievable kills in writing, I also have to raise the banner of the Filipino Writer's Community. Rise and shine guys!

a week at the hospital

2009-11-22T22:11:00.000-08:00
I never really had the idea when, where, and why I got DENGUE. Just to be sure that I didn't get it from home, is the fact that no mosquito is allowed inside our residence.

Well, I guess everything happens for a reason, yet, I still don't know why in the world I almost died because of it.

I was happy then..., My mama was always there for me...a couple of friends, and my "EXs". They were both there, frantic to get me some Type B Blood donor. I was really touched with there concern. They both cried!!!... I wish I could frame that very moment. They both look cute while they were crying because of me.

How I wish my other Ex was there to join them crying.., wouldn't that be cute?...

But the whole experience was really awful. Every 6 hours, they have to get my blood sample and have my platelets counted. The injections were terribly hurting me but I have to be strong for my mama. All this time, she had been my strength. It's even so hard to go to the CR because I always have to bring that dextrose with me.

I really love my mama. She really proved how much she loves me too. My TN family who has been so supportive and my friends. You really can determine your real friends in such times. No matter how busy they are they will find ways and time to be there for you. I've got no hurt feelings to those who haven't visited me. It's just that I appreciate more those who showed their effort in going to that stinky and full of negative aura place just to see if I am fine.

I am fine... As long as there are friends around, Dengue will just be an ordinary insect bite. hehe

Seeking for one True Love

2009-11-11T21:41:00.001-08:00

Is finding for love just like picking a flower on a garden?

On the splendor of dreams, romantic embraces and sweet goodbyes, love endows the beauty of life. Indeed, many says that it is the most wonderful feeling on earth. But how can this feeling be a destruction to some?

Many are deceived, others weep, some survive while several died. For love is a gift to one that is to be kept and cherished that one who is denied of it finds way to grasp it. Insane.

If you just think that it makes the world go round then you're wrong... The best way to feel that love is around is to oppose the aftermath... Stop hoping, stop dreaming... if you'll show the bad side of you then it will be the time people will see the best of you... try it...

two is better than one

2009-11-11T17:15:00.001-08:00

Boys Like Girls -
Two Is Better Than One lyrics

I remember what you wore on our first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
You know this could be something
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time, to figure out the best in my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one

I remember every look upon your face,
The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
And finally now, believing

And maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time, to figure out the best in my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one

Yeah, yeah

I remember what you wore on our first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey

Maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time, to figure out the best in my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking

Oooh I can't live without you
'Cause baby two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the best in my life
And I've figured out with all that's said and done
Two, is better than one

Two is better than one.

Lyrics | Boys Like Girls lyrics - Two Is Better Than One lyrics

new moon craze

2009-11-11T16:54:00.001-08:00

Following the world hit "Twilight", Stephenie Meyer has gotten to a whole lot roller coaster of creative ideas with the twisting of happenings in her novel's sequel "New Moon".

Readers and movie fanatics were anxious to watch the movie that would premiere on 11.20.09. The first movie was a world wide hit catching every people's attention to a love story of a vampire and a human. Girls were ever fantasizing their darling vampire Edward Cullen.

New Moon is expected to be somewhat a little controversial than Twilight for Bella will be torn between Edward and her best friend Jacob.

Watch the rivalry rise between vampire Edward and Werewolf Jacob this coming 11.20.09. See you in theaters!

Legend of the seeker

2009-11-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

My log wait is over. November 11 was the Philippine TV premiere of "The Legend Of The Seeker".Legend of the Seeker is a weekly American television series loosely based on The Sword of Truth novels by Terry Goodkind.

The series follows the epic journey of a young woods guide named Richard Cypher (played by Craig Horner), a mysterious woman named Kahlan Amnell (played by Bridget Regan), and a wizard named Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander (played by Bruce Spence) to stop Darken Rahl (played by Craig Parker) from unleashing an ancient and terrifying power.

The first episode was really breath-taking. Better see for yourselves...

Oh My God

2009-10-06T03:20:00.000-07:00
I really don't why people are so overrated.

One time, I was done doing my stuff with group messaging when my crush approached me. I am about to send the message "Hi Langga" to my close friend when I had it to be send to via group messaging. And like I was so lame that I didn't know and didn't even remember what I texted when all replied, "Langga? nge, y man? Ikaw ha" And I explained to them the whole thing but others still didn't believe and it's like they put a malice to it.

Excuse me? haha... Why should I act that I am trying to make someone jealous just by doing the "wrong sent" excuse. For God's sake! Maybe that's the result of indulging to teleseryes and romance pocketbooks.

Adhie is Vulnerable too..

2009-10-01T00:48:00.000-07:00
Just because I smile doesn't mean that I am not hurt..
Just because I told you I'll wait for you, it doesn't mean
IT'S FOREVER!!!...

Many people think that they have all the right in the world to insult you,
make you feel worthless, criticize you and worst to do it all right at your face...

I hate people like them, but I do my best to control my temper.Long before I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, back when I was in Grade 2, I felt that everything come easy.

That was August, we were practicing how to right cursive and I felt very sleepy so I took a nap. When I woke up, people were all around me and I was surprised that they rushed me to the clinic. My teacher narrated that they were all trying to wake me up but I didn't. My mother was there, she hugged me and explained that I was unconscious for many hours. I was shocked because I thought that I just slept and that's all.

Then the next incident came when we were having a fight with my classmate and when I punched him for defense, I felt numb and fell to the floor.Next time I opened my eyes,I was in the hospital. Mama was crying beside me with my grandmother letting me eat. My aunts and uncles were there too. I asked mama why I am there then she told me that I had a seizure that I had to be brought to the hospital.

I hated hospitals really. With the dominant smell of medicines and cries of new born babies, it just make me feel more sick.

The doctor came and conducted many tests and advised my mother to bring me to a neurologist. That was why we went to Dr. Diputado in Silliman University medical Center. When we got there, she examined me closely and made me sit on the bed and hit and my knees with a red stone on a spoon-like metal handle. Then they talked with my mother inside my doctor's office leaving me lying on the bed and looking at the different pictures of the brain.

When they got out, that was the time my mother and my doctor told me that I have an epilepsy-a serious case. But more is to be determined so me and my mother went to have me CT-Scanned. Nothing else was discovered so my mother felt a little hope.

But the following events were more nerve-wracking, all symptoms and all kinds of attack happened to me. My doctor gave me a lot of medicines which are all expensive, but it seems like nothing has changed. My mother was running out of hope but she was trying to be strong for me. The hospital seemed to be my second home.

I was not affected ignoring the stabbing pain in my head and stomach every time I collapse. It was nice that my family and my relatives do their best to make me happy. I also enjoyed calling my friends, watching TV, and staring at the window- with the dextrose connected with me.

Maybe because of the over flowing love that I felt on that part of my life then I was well.

It was so hard because I was not allowed to eat meat except fish, junk foods, ice cream and to drink soft drinks. It was like torture every time I see a gallon of ice cream on the table coz I know that they won't let me eat.

When my mama told me that the doctor said I was already certified well, which is 2 years of suffering, I was really happy because my mama let me eat ice cream.

My studies was affected but I still managed to be the first honor. I gained the respect and the sympathy of the people around me. I get every thing I wanted and my parents' favor then.

Now that I am already in college, with people around me not knowing all my sufferings because of a malady, I can't easily forgive them when they hurt me, I can't respect them the way they want to if they do the same way to me, and I still think that life is still unfair. For I lost almost half of my childhood when everyone had the chance to enjoy street games and be normal, while I was always in the hospital crying,and enduring all the pains of the medication. They were even fortunate and they still want the things to come their way.

I still don't understand them but I hope someday I will; for they don't know that CATHERINE is vulnerable too.

There is Hope

2009-09-29T02:59:00.000-07:00

After I've heard the stories of the survivors of the latest calamity that Philippines just faced, it really made me cry realizing how much they have suffered and it was like I was also there feeling their pain.

Loosing their loved ones and thinking how they could still recover from the the trauma really stings knowing that a few months from now, the yule tide season will start to cover the atmosphere. It would be very sad for the victims to celebrate this Christmas when it is all about being with the family and they have lost their houses and properties hey have worked for years.

But when I saw the child in the TV earlier this morning, I glared hope in her innocent eyes. She was interviewed by a reporter and she still managed to smile ignoring their situation- spending the rest of the days in the cold and unsanitary street. While others are busy queuing for relief goods and donations given by big-hearted institutions and companies, the child just fiddled around like nothing serious happened.

What's amazing with children is that they don't care about many things as long as they are still alive, every morning and every day that God has given will be another great day. Maybe that is why God loves children-for their innocence.

Now that the battle for recovery is still not over, let us extend any kind of help that we could offer to our fellow citizens in NCR. But the most significant thing we could do to help them is to pray to God. Just cast your burdens upon Him and He will give you rest. He will never abandon us. All we have to do is do our best and He will do the rest-that's for sure.

Who's to be blamed?

2009-09-27T23:12:00.000-07:00
National Capital Region has been flooded all way out last September 26, 2009. Millions of people in the region suffered and several are still in peril as of this very moment because of the raging typhoon Ondoy. Cars, animals and even houses in subdivisions also felt the rage of Ondoy which is very evident in the damage of the said properties that might total to over a hundred million. Famous actors and actresses were also trapped in their respective homes seeking refuge on the roofs of their house.

Rescue Mission
As of the moment, the lack of rubber boats, trucks and rescue helicopters really hit the government. In the last three days, the television networks have been receiving calls from trapped people begging for immediate rescue, from people whose family member is still lost and from people who are asking for food and water for they are running out of it.

People from all walks of life were affected and so thus this means that all who were fortunate enough to not be affected by the flood be returning the favor and extend their helping hands to the victims of the calamity.

Rescue is taking so long because streets that would lead to the places are so clogged with dilapidated houses, ruined cars, and flood water that is why many thought that they were rea;lly abandoned all by themselves.

Many died

Pathetic people who were trapped in their houses with the flood turning to be five feet plus deep have no option but to accept death at that very moment. Several were caught in video struggling to survive opposing the surge of the flood but were unsuccessful and drowned. Others ran out of drinking water while others died because of hypothermia especially the infants and the old people who can't take the very cold weather.

Let's link it to the environment
The rich and the famous were not exempted with nature's anger. But let us check what we have done for the environment. Did the rich people use their wealth for environmental advocacy? To the victims of landslides in the mountain areas, did they do something to stop kaingin and illegal logging? Did the famous people in the showbusiness scene use their fame to promote environmental awareness? Now who is to be blamed?

Maybe, it's now time to stop thinking about ourselves and head Mother Nature's harsh wake up call for us all. We are living in this world, and, thus, she entrusted us the opportunity to live in a wonderful world for us to take good care of. What happened is that we are the ones who are destroying the wonderful gift that she has given us.

Now that it already happened, let it be a start of greater environmental concern.

MY DOCTOR DIDN'T PRESCRIBE YOU

2009-09-17T02:09:00.000-07:00
This is not what I wanted, You were all that I needed
I'm sorry if I denied you
for all the sorrows covered, and the chaos I created
I'm sorry if I ignored you

From all this mess, I'm just the best for doin' hurting you
And all the lights, the stupid flights I did pull it through
"you were the one", I told myself but I was wrong
You were alone and I am in this commitment
I'm sorry if I didn't tell you earlier

My laughter that slapped you when you walked away
Those tearful laughters and bitter-sweet memories
that we shared under your blanket
the commotion we made when we danced inside your closet
with the blink of the yellow moonlight with the sunset

This is not what I told you, it just made you feel so blue
The doctor didn't prescribe you
for all the merry damage, this is not what I expected
My doctor didn't prescribe you

just today I learned to play this old guitar
the one you bought for me when we took our first flight
it wasn't so hard to sing alone with this teardrops falling over
That, I, guess was a year ago
And now I drowned with the droplets of blood that flowed toward you
when you packed your stupid bags with you
when you left under the rain
still the same... the most impaired...

And now that this is over, we could never be together
swear I haven't regret you, with all of this damned years
and all of my dried tears
Promise I did love you....

2009-09-14T03:19:00.000-07:00

FAKE

2009-09-11T01:16:00.000-07:00
By Catherine Q. Dicen

Now let's all pretend that we love each other
When will you comprehend, that I hate you
Please don't look at me like you still love me
cause I know it's not true

When you told me it was the end
what did yo want me to feel and
what speech do you want to hear?
remorse and lamentations
seventy-seven days, forty-four missed out dates
you were not there

Chorus:
And I hate to, admit that you still have all of me
and I'm sorry, coz I know that, we were not meant to be
please end all this pretending, coz I know
you're still faking it, you are faking it
How do you want me to end our WASTED lOvE StOrY?

When you told me let's start again
did you ever think that you could fool me again
And I swear I hated you! hated me,
for being in this misery

Will this ever gonna end I told you let's not pretend
But you always knock me sideways and I'm down

(Repeat Chorus)

Now that we know it's the end
it"s funny that you look at me that way like you regret
everything you've done to me, but it's too late
I smiled at you and it was fake

Chorus II
Yes I hate to, admit that, you still had all of me
I'm not sorry, you never knew that, we were
not meant to be
I ended all your pretending,
coz we both know we'll be faking it,
we were faking it, this time we're faking it...

2009-09-10T02:53:00.000-07:00
Hey, hey,! I love you new found glory!

2009-09-10T02:47:00.000-07:00

Why do I get crazy with their kissing scenes? Oh my.

2009-09-10T02:44:00.000-07:00

I love this scene... Well, it was just "the start of something new" for Bella and Edward...

2009-09-10T02:29:00.000-07:00

Oh my God, this picture of Robert Thomas Pattinson is really worth
dying for. I'm really a fan of twilight and everything that concerns it.
thanks to Stephenie Mayer, such a brilliant writer for the
making of the book and the movie.

Tiny Heart

2009-09-10T02:09:00.000-07:00
by Fly leaf

Tiny heart, stucked inside yourself, when will you open up for me?
I love you so, wanna meet you again, before one of us must go.

Chorus:
Your lips touched every hand but mine
In the shadows you slept fine
when will you get back to me? So we can rest...

My Abolished Illusion

2009-09-01T19:22:00.000-07:00
(Tidbits of the song I composed when I was still in High school
I forgot the other lines, Hope I could still find my copy)
By Catherine Quiao Dicen

Stop it don't you make me cry, WATCH ME DIE, and live in confusion
Make me believe that you won"t leave
Please help me find, MY ABOLISHED ILLUSION...

Funny how we see all our scattered dreams
Haven't we enjoyed all our childhood screams
Now goodbye has come in different means
Help me recover from this bliss

Now I still hope that you won't mind
Treat me blind, locked in my decision
I love you goodbye and just reach out or you and I
MY ABOLISHED ILLUSION

(this song was composed for my crush in high school who was then leaving for Zamboanga. Chords were still not laid but the melody caught the taste of my classmates. One day. I was surprised when my classmates sang my song, and they said they really love it. How was that?)

Where'd you go

2009-09-01T19:16:00.001-07:00
By: Fort Minor

"Where'd you go? I missed you so, coz seems like its been forever that you've been gone,
PLEASE COME BACK HOME"

If only it's okay

2009-09-01T18:58:00.000-07:00
Where were you???

If only it's okay to be with you again
then I'll give my life to have a moment with you
I know I was not good, but I know,
I could make things better

But how could that happen when all that is left is MiSeRy???
you left me without the chance to even say goodbye...
or to hug you and hold your hand for the very last time
If you only know how bRoKEn I am
Then you'll understand that I could risk all damn!!!!

If only it's okay

harper's island

2009-09-01T03:30:00.000-07:00

"Though people change, LoVE remains the Same"