Forbidden Element

:(

I cried. Dammit! I just cried! That was so not me. What happened to all my promises and daydreams? They're all gone.

God knows how much I love my boyfriend so much. I love him more than my own life and now all of a sudden, I broke his trust. I don't even know if I coud even trust myself anymore.

Dammit! YOu won't see me hanging around with hell! If only I listened to what all my boyfriend told me. If only I had listened to him.

Past I know is past. I couldn't turn around everything that happened. But one thing is for sure, I'll be trusting no one this time. It can sometimes cost you much more than your life to give TRUST away. :(

Though I am still eighteen years old, I could already differentiate what's true and what's fake.

All my life, I lived to please people--even f it means it doesn't please me in return, or even if that means I will get hurt after wards. I seek for people's approval and contentment in everything I do. But what brought about all this changes?

It is the people around me who turned me into the demon that I am today. Just seeing people's pretending faces, listening to their endless back stabbing and enduring all the ridicules they had given to me sucks. So what if I am bad? So what if I am evil? What I want the whole world to know is that I don't give a single damn for people who doesn't appreciate a single thing that I do.

I've come to my senses already. If it is to hate you, I will!

Truth is that I really hate you! I will hate all of you for being so plastic. I will despise the very day I came back. Things willl really change for sure but there is one thing I am very sure of, I will never forget all of the things I kept inside of me. Thanks for all the criticisms, for all the ridicules, for all the judgments, for all the times you belittled me and most of all--for making me believe that I am still welcome. I was very wrong on the very first place. And I will forever be remorseful for that.

Thank you TN for showing me the different sides of people. For teaching me a lesson that not everyone can be trusted, that not everyone is your friend. To all the TN people, thank you for wasting your time on me! I am pretty sure I did waste my futile time too but atleast I now have the guts to tell all of you that you have been so unkind. Continue that attitude and I am sure that in no time, you will devour your selves. All of  you who are thirsty of power! Which would somehow lead to corruption (maybe not through money but in terms of other people's lives and time!)

Well, If I may say, I found a few friends in TN. Just very few of them. And I want to thank all of them before my life ends.

To Kenneth for being my true friend. frank as you are Ken. I know that all the words you told me were true. The criticisms were constructive and I appreciate all of them. Thank you for being a crying shoulder. You of all the people in TN has that much sense when I talk to. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and for believin that i could still change Ken...that somehow, someday, I could transform for the better as much as you did. You know Ken, I would have had bawled my eyes out for that. Your kind words touched what's evil inside my heart. I'll forever look up to you Ken. You have my prayers.

Janet. We're all in this together jan. No one understood me as much as you did. No other person in the whole universe soothed me as much as you did. I love you so much jan and thank you for staying after all this time. For always being there. That means a lot to me jan. You know it does.

Cherry. Thank you for always being sweet baby Cher. Stay the same always and remember to fight for your self whenever there is a need to. You have my blessings.


Arvin. To my one and only goi, thank you so much for being one of my sweetest boy best friend. For being true and simple all this time. I love you goi and you know that. Good luck i n every thing you do and God will bless you. I know that. :)

For them who remained tue and for them who remained hostile, I still thank you for molding me into someone that I am today. Thank you but Go To Hell!!! to the people who continuously dragged me down. I hope you will get down and feel down as much as you did make me feel all this time!

Don't want to remember any of those moments, it will only remind me that I am nothin and I can't do anything. Don't want to  expect things that are substantially coming, just don't want to get disappointed and dissed at the ending. Don't want to put my head up  if my insecurities are too heavy that they wager much of my confidence, way down low. I don't want to remember. Sometimes, I wish that I can't remember a thing  after tomorrow. There are lots of things that happened before that stain my being. I WANT TO MOVE ON. But people keep on reminding me that I can't, that I am stuck, and that I can't ever be forgiven of the mistakes I made before (never-ever.)

I will never get tired of thanking the people who were there for me whenever I am too much dazed by my heartaches and sorrows. People who never got tired of considering that who they got with them is little EMO Catherine. That she is so fragile, that she needs love, that she isn't perfect, that she's full of insecurities, and that what they just have to do is to sit by my side and promise me they will never leave me. That's just it.

Leaving. I want to leave but I hate people leaving. I hate people turning their bare backs on me. I h ate it when I was with them all the time and that they will just dump me after all the things I have been through for them.

I am Evil. Yes, I know that. I have always been evil. I killed people. I despised my parents. I am an atheist. I commit adultery, I am a certified glutton. And what? Is that all that they want to hear from me? That I am a daughter of Lucifer himself. Is that what they want from me? Is that all that they can say? What else?  Tell me things I haven't heard of about myself! TEll me!

I have long had forgotten the heartahes and sorrows but people tied me and are dragging me back to hell. And there is nothing I can do now but cry and envy those people who are free of judgments and screws. I wish I am like them. But that will never happen.

I always hear this song whenever I play the radio on (that is to help me induce some sleep). Train's really got ways to capture the hearts of their listeners. At first, I dislike train for their "Hey, Soul Sister", like hey, I don't understand the message of the song or what they are making the people understand.

Marry Me is a song which is full of love. It is also stated in the song how much the guy really wants to be with the girl for the rest of his life and how much he is willing to give just to make the girl happy by his side.

The song is giving me goose bumps whenever I hear it. It's like hearing a brand new song everytime it is being played on air. Someday, not that soon perhaps, I wish a man would also gather all his guts to sing me the same song. You know I am hopeless romantic that I would prefer a guy who is courting me in the old school way. Flowers, chocolates, love letters and the guy's gentle manner will easily flatter me. But where on Earth could I probably look for that guy?

Ayeyyeyey.... I know something and I won't tell you anything... Atleast now, I could already say that whatever may happen, I coud already die bearing in mind that I already knew real and true love. I am happy now. Not taht secured though, but atleast, I got less fears now compared before. Chow!

(Gotta update my blog next time if I feel like there is worth blogging for...bye..I'll miss you all guys.. thanks for reading my blog.:))

One step at the time. I am taking my time so slowly but surely. I am enjoying every bit of my stay here in my workplace. I couldn't be any happier. Isn't this the one I wished so hard once upon a time? Because \i am already here, the job is almost a breath away....I won't let it slip away from my fingers. I know that there's so much to life. But my job training is one of the most important things that I have to prioritize as of the moment.

I need to cope up. I need to cope with the night shift as soon as I can. I really have to or else I'll drop dead. Now (as of the moment, I snached a time from my one hour lunch break to blog. this is one thing I couldn't think of giving up.)

Though I know I'll soon be exposed to the verbal and speaking world, I know what my first love is. And that is writing. I live to write, I breath to write. That's my craft, my worth, and my life.

Chances are. Cahnces are that after I'll be officially hired, I will save money to buy myself a laptop. That has been a dream of mine. (Now I am confident in dreaming, because I know that dreams do come true; especially if you are brave enough to risk the things you know you wouldn't afford to let go.)


Saying goodbye. TN is my first love. Everyone knows that. But there will come a time that TN will no longer need me. There are a lot of writers who are more deserving of the place in the pub. I have to say goodbye. Soon enough. Yeah, maybe soon.

I already have my resume! Gawd. Can you think about that? I already have my resume so I can already apply! Hope I'll get in so that I could get my life straightened out already. I badly need this job so that I could prove to my parents that I am also someone who is of worth.



I can't even imagine, what I'll give just to get the job. Look. I have waited for almost a lifetime to turn 18 so that I can legally work and now that I am already here, I won't let anyone to spoil my feeling. I'll gotta keep my fingers crossed till tomorrow so that nothing bad will happen.


I already promised mama many things so I should get it anyway possible and impress the one who'll interview me tomorrow....:)