Forbidden Element

:(

I cried. Dammit! I just cried! That was so not me. What happened to all my promises and daydreams? They're all gone.

God knows how much I love my boyfriend so much. I love him more than my own life and now all of a sudden, I broke his trust. I don't even know if I coud even trust myself anymore.

Dammit! YOu won't see me hanging around with hell! If only I listened to what all my boyfriend told me. If only I had listened to him.

Past I know is past. I couldn't turn around everything that happened. But one thing is for sure, I'll be trusting no one this time. It can sometimes cost you much more than your life to give TRUST away. :(

Though I am still eighteen years old, I could already differentiate what's true and what's fake.

All my life, I lived to please people--even f it means it doesn't please me in return, or even if that means I will get hurt after wards. I seek for people's approval and contentment in everything I do. But what brought about all this changes?

It is the people around me who turned me into the demon that I am today. Just seeing people's pretending faces, listening to their endless back stabbing and enduring all the ridicules they had given to me sucks. So what if I am bad? So what if I am evil? What I want the whole world to know is that I don't give a single damn for people who doesn't appreciate a single thing that I do.

I've come to my senses already. If it is to hate you, I will!

Truth is that I really hate you! I will hate all of you for being so plastic. I will despise the very day I came back. Things willl really change for sure but there is one thing I am very sure of, I will never forget all of the things I kept inside of me. Thanks for all the criticisms, for all the ridicules, for all the judgments, for all the times you belittled me and most of all--for making me believe that I am still welcome. I was very wrong on the very first place. And I will forever be remorseful for that.

Thank you TN for showing me the different sides of people. For teaching me a lesson that not everyone can be trusted, that not everyone is your friend. To all the TN people, thank you for wasting your time on me! I am pretty sure I did waste my futile time too but atleast I now have the guts to tell all of you that you have been so unkind. Continue that attitude and I am sure that in no time, you will devour your selves. All of  you who are thirsty of power! Which would somehow lead to corruption (maybe not through money but in terms of other people's lives and time!)

Well, If I may say, I found a few friends in TN. Just very few of them. And I want to thank all of them before my life ends.

To Kenneth for being my true friend. frank as you are Ken. I know that all the words you told me were true. The criticisms were constructive and I appreciate all of them. Thank you for being a crying shoulder. You of all the people in TN has that much sense when I talk to. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and for believin that i could still change Ken...that somehow, someday, I could transform for the better as much as you did. You know Ken, I would have had bawled my eyes out for that. Your kind words touched what's evil inside my heart. I'll forever look up to you Ken. You have my prayers.

Janet. We're all in this together jan. No one understood me as much as you did. No other person in the whole universe soothed me as much as you did. I love you so much jan and thank you for staying after all this time. For always being there. That means a lot to me jan. You know it does.

Cherry. Thank you for always being sweet baby Cher. Stay the same always and remember to fight for your self whenever there is a need to. You have my blessings.


Arvin. To my one and only goi, thank you so much for being one of my sweetest boy best friend. For being true and simple all this time. I love you goi and you know that. Good luck i n every thing you do and God will bless you. I know that. :)

For them who remained tue and for them who remained hostile, I still thank you for molding me into someone that I am today. Thank you but Go To Hell!!! to the people who continuously dragged me down. I hope you will get down and feel down as much as you did make me feel all this time!

Don't want to remember any of those moments, it will only remind me that I am nothin and I can't do anything. Don't want to  expect things that are substantially coming, just don't want to get disappointed and dissed at the ending. Don't want to put my head up  if my insecurities are too heavy that they wager much of my confidence, way down low. I don't want to remember. Sometimes, I wish that I can't remember a thing  after tomorrow. There are lots of things that happened before that stain my being. I WANT TO MOVE ON. But people keep on reminding me that I can't, that I am stuck, and that I can't ever be forgiven of the mistakes I made before (never-ever.)

I will never get tired of thanking the people who were there for me whenever I am too much dazed by my heartaches and sorrows. People who never got tired of considering that who they got with them is little EMO Catherine. That she is so fragile, that she needs love, that she isn't perfect, that she's full of insecurities, and that what they just have to do is to sit by my side and promise me they will never leave me. That's just it.

Leaving. I want to leave but I hate people leaving. I hate people turning their bare backs on me. I h ate it when I was with them all the time and that they will just dump me after all the things I have been through for them.

I am Evil. Yes, I know that. I have always been evil. I killed people. I despised my parents. I am an atheist. I commit adultery, I am a certified glutton. And what? Is that all that they want to hear from me? That I am a daughter of Lucifer himself. Is that what they want from me? Is that all that they can say? What else?  Tell me things I haven't heard of about myself! TEll me!

I have long had forgotten the heartahes and sorrows but people tied me and are dragging me back to hell. And there is nothing I can do now but cry and envy those people who are free of judgments and screws. I wish I am like them. But that will never happen.

I always hear this song whenever I play the radio on (that is to help me induce some sleep). Train's really got ways to capture the hearts of their listeners. At first, I dislike train for their "Hey, Soul Sister", like hey, I don't understand the message of the song or what they are making the people understand.

Marry Me is a song which is full of love. It is also stated in the song how much the guy really wants to be with the girl for the rest of his life and how much he is willing to give just to make the girl happy by his side.

The song is giving me goose bumps whenever I hear it. It's like hearing a brand new song everytime it is being played on air. Someday, not that soon perhaps, I wish a man would also gather all his guts to sing me the same song. You know I am hopeless romantic that I would prefer a guy who is courting me in the old school way. Flowers, chocolates, love letters and the guy's gentle manner will easily flatter me. But where on Earth could I probably look for that guy?

Ayeyyeyey.... I know something and I won't tell you anything... Atleast now, I could already say that whatever may happen, I coud already die bearing in mind that I already knew real and true love. I am happy now. Not taht secured though, but atleast, I got less fears now compared before. Chow!

(Gotta update my blog next time if I feel like there is worth blogging for...bye..I'll miss you all guys.. thanks for reading my blog.:))

One step at the time. I am taking my time so slowly but surely. I am enjoying every bit of my stay here in my workplace. I couldn't be any happier. Isn't this the one I wished so hard once upon a time? Because \i am already here, the job is almost a breath away....I won't let it slip away from my fingers. I know that there's so much to life. But my job training is one of the most important things that I have to prioritize as of the moment.

I need to cope up. I need to cope with the night shift as soon as I can. I really have to or else I'll drop dead. Now (as of the moment, I snached a time from my one hour lunch break to blog. this is one thing I couldn't think of giving up.)

Though I know I'll soon be exposed to the verbal and speaking world, I know what my first love is. And that is writing. I live to write, I breath to write. That's my craft, my worth, and my life.

Chances are. Cahnces are that after I'll be officially hired, I will save money to buy myself a laptop. That has been a dream of mine. (Now I am confident in dreaming, because I know that dreams do come true; especially if you are brave enough to risk the things you know you wouldn't afford to let go.)


Saying goodbye. TN is my first love. Everyone knows that. But there will come a time that TN will no longer need me. There are a lot of writers who are more deserving of the place in the pub. I have to say goodbye. Soon enough. Yeah, maybe soon.

I already have my resume! Gawd. Can you think about that? I already have my resume so I can already apply! Hope I'll get in so that I could get my life straightened out already. I badly need this job so that I could prove to my parents that I am also someone who is of worth.



I can't even imagine, what I'll give just to get the job. Look. I have waited for almost a lifetime to turn 18 so that I can legally work and now that I am already here, I won't let anyone to spoil my feeling. I'll gotta keep my fingers crossed till tomorrow so that nothing bad will happen.


I already promised mama many things so I should get it anyway possible and impress the one who'll interview me tomorrow....:)

If I am not mistaken, this is already the fifth day of my ever kill-me-I-want-to-die malady. It seems that I am losing my cognitive sense. 

I've been sick for the entire week and I am so glad that my mama is there for me all the while. I love you mama. 

Though she washes the dishes instead of me, she still lets me drink my medicine.
Though she cleans the house and sweeps the floor and all, she gives me a therapy.
Though she cooks for our food everytime and rests a little at day, she doesn't leave me astray.


I love you mama and I will always be your Adiek. 

It hurts to see you cry. I know that I am not a perfect daughter but for us, my sisters and me, you are the best mother, protector, guardian, best friend, counselor, adviser and nurse, rolled into one. Our life is not perfect but I can't imagine living it without you mama.


I love you mama. Though I feel like dying because of my endless coughing, sneezing and all, I am somehow happy that we get closer each time. This way, I am happy that I am sick, because my mama is taking good care of me. I LOVE YOU MAMA. ♥

When I'm sad I cry. Bow. When I am sad, I cry. This things are just very common for a pessimist like me. I always feel sick. I feel like I am always ready  to quit.

I am so pissed off today. My day started wrong and everything seems like crap. I don't know if I could still carry on pretending that I am okay.I am so pissed of and there is no other adjective that could define what I am feeling today!

There's an unknown feeling in my chest. I don't know what it is. Don't even know why I am like this. Missing you is far behind my mind. That was long gone. Gone and will never be come back. That was almost a year now. A year of emotional torture. A yer of endless hopes and dreams. A year of lies and pretending.

That was almost forgotten. Not now. Please not now. Not now that I already thought I've moved on. Why won't you leave me alone? Why am I affected with every sad song I hear, feeling like that was our wasted love story. Oppressed? No. Not a chance on that. You don't know how it feels to be stuck. I am long stuck on my ground and somehow I don't know the way out. Help? No one on his right mind will, I guess. Everyone thinks of themselves. Almost all are selfish. All including me. But I could no longer lie to myself.

How many blogs have I posted about me missing you? Yet, not even one of them have you read. Right?. You haven't read even one of my dull, emotional, and suicidal moments because of you. You are selfish! I hate you! I hate you for moving on. I hate you for being happy. I hate you for living your life well. I hate you for stealing all my wit, for taking with you all my sense of happiness, for making me bitter and sounding like i am sour graping.

I hate the moments of me lying just to protect you, the moments which I should have had spent sleeping than spending with you. I hate hearing songs like those of your favorite. Guess what. You were nothing special. You're not even good looking. You are a bore. You are a boo. But you were so mysterious, seems like lost in your own web, and before I knew it, you got me tangled with you.

I want to let go, to run away, away from here. Away from you. Away from your grim memories. Go to hell. I curse the day I believed in everything you said to me. I curse myself for ever believing you. Lastly, I curse you for making my life a total waste! I hope this is the last tine I'll waste my time on you. I should forget you by any means. I should do that before I lose my psyche.


I'll be a devil this time to curse you and your happiness. I'll be selfish this time. I will make your life miserable! If it's the last thing on Earth I'll do. I'll make you suffer like what you did to me. I will make you cry. I will make you feel like dying all the time. Revenge is not the word to describe what I want to take on you. You will soon wish you're better dead. You will soon curse your life. You will soon find yourself chasing for happiness yet you can't get any of it. Sooner than you think, things will slip from your fingers. Any time, this time, you will suffer like I  did.


That way I will rest my peace. That way I can be contented. In that way, I can get all you took from me. That way, I can rest in peace----forever.

Like mad, I walked from our terminal to school. I guess that was at least a kilometer. I feel like I've been to a marathon. I feel so consumed. Maybe I am just tired of walking. I shouldn't associate this with being tired of life. Like any emo would do.... hahaha

It really seems to me like everyone is really ready for the fall. How about me? Am I ready to take on the challenge of being away from school, friends, family and etc.? But I know this is for the better. Though I know that I am doing this for myself, a lot of people will benefit from my self-improvement--especially those who care for me.

Anyways, I already smell the scent of summer. Leaves from stoic trees are almost turning brown which is a healthy sign of summer. I used to love this season. But I don't know if that will still do now. I don't know.

Years aback, I remember myself falling in line, with the best students of the school, wearing that euphoric smile under the scorching heat of the sun. Not minding the jitters of sweat running down my forehead to my chin, I just smile knowing that a good year has ended and I will be awarded, again, and as always, the first honor.

But now, I don't feel the same triumph. My parents can no longer be proud of me. I am lost. While others are planning where to go this summer, I am planing to take a big leap with my life. A leap, a  jump, a jump to leap, or whatever they call it. They just don't understand. And maybe you who's reading this won't also understand. I need time to recover everything I've broken. I need to settle all my insecurities to function well and better next time. I should think that it will not be the end of the world if I leave school, or if I stop schooling. I need to make people understand that I need to mend my behavior. I am a total wreck, can anyone tell that to me? I am a procastinator. I won't be able to be productive as before if I won't do what is needed of me to do.

Have you even noticed that  I am unhappy? No, you actually don't. For you, I am just over reacting. I am OA. That is what you always say. But we are different. What makes you happy might not make me happy. What brings you tears might give me a hearbreak. YOu don't know because you don't ask. You assume that everything is okay. No, it is not. No, I am not okay. The truth of the matter is that I have been a pessimist since I graduated elementary. I thought, and that thought was inculcated in my mind and soul for the past  six years of my life, THAT NO MATTER WHAT I DO, MY PARENTS WON'T BE PROUD OF ME.

That has been my problem for more than 6 years. I am in pain for more than six years because of that. Apathy didn't help me. Because truth is that I am still hurt, until now that my parents were not happy that very day of my graduation in Elementary. Now I know my problem. I have been insecure and unproductive all this time because of that. I guess a psychologist can figure this out easily, or a psychiatrist.

I've always lived to please my parents. I thought what would make them happy would also make me happy. That was what I thought. That was why I am now destructed. Now I know. Now you know. Now i know, at least, that my problem has been defined. Next step is to look and think of the best solustion to this problem and I've figured that first before knowing what my problem really was. I have the solution. And I'll do whatever it takes to make things right this time. No matter what the consequences are.

Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out.


There's that. Do I still need to write details of my coughing catastrophe this days? That's it. My cough sounds like a bang. I hate it. I'd rather die than to cough in front of my boyfriend. That's how worse it is. And to think he's studying premed in Cebu Doctors University. Would it be sweet if I'll be his first patient?

 

Haven't you noticed that everyone is aching to give you a punch on the face? Or are you just that insensitive that you are hurting people with your don't-know-what attitude. My God. When will you ever learn. I just hate you so much. But I guess my wrath and grudge would just send me to grave earlier than you. I don't want that to happen. I want to be there, standing, wearing all red on your funeral. I will never leave till I see you buried 6 feet below the cold ground. 

GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....