I am really not feeling well...emotionally. My heart aches so much, and my mind is so tired of thinking. Can the world excuse you from thinking, feeling, and breathing? I sometimes wonder if one can die for a while just to feel that he was once alive? Would that be really possible? Perhaps, if one is in comma.
I slept last night with all grim thoughts cycling in my mind. Wondering why I did afford to sleep with all doubts, fears and aches that occupy my mind....wow, amazing.
Die. Am I not dead yet? Is that for sure? Cause I am really tired of feeling, breathing, hurting, being scared and all the more disappointed. I hate myself, for I can't defeat the lazy, bitchy, liar, schemer, and all the f*** of me.
Can I surrender? I've cried because of my acts. I am so helpless. Am I already crazy? I hope so. So that I could rest in a mental asylum. People won't expect anything from me. They'll talk to me and would get nothing and most of all, I could do whatever I want. I could rest my boggled mind for so long.
As of the very moment, all I want is space. No dictations. No matter what I do, I want myself to care and not other people. I don't want people to say do this and that when I can't do it anymore. I am just so tired to continue but I don't have any choice. Did they ask me if I want this? No. They don't care. I am facing the biggest dilemma of my life but people won't spare me from their reprimands and advices. Well, I must say I don't need them unless I ask for them!
I am just so tired of reiterating that I am tired. When did I start feeling so hollow? NO. It was not ever since. But, I can't remember the reasons anymore. I wrecked my self and people try to put me back to whole again with their acts but they don't know they are just making things worst.
I am so coward. Because if I've ever been strong, I could have had the courage to hang myself with a rope, or have taken sleeping pills to overdose. I feel so discouraged because I don't have any choice. All my life I've always been so afraid of what people will say about me, but now I don't. I am so lost. But people don't see it and refuse to see it.
I am so tired really. One of this days, I would talk to my parents and ask for their forgiveness. I just feel so useless. Maybe if I would do that, they would understand how all this time I feel so guilty and sorry that it makes me numb. It paralyzes me. My guilt doesn't make me go on. It grabs me by the feet and drag me to hell.
I asked God a lot of time if he could ever help me with this. Who could help me? A psychiatrist? Maybe. I feel so futile. Never have had felt this way before. I felt sorry for a very long time that even myself can't forgive the things I've done. No one will understand. I want to runaway, to escape but there's no place to go. I want to die but death is so far and it seems so impossible. I am losing sight of what they are saying that people live because they have different purposes in life. I don't know what my purpose is. I am so tired and fed up.
I envy people because they have a sense of direction. They are so happy because they had their life all planned out, while I don't know what to do. I am so coward. I don't have the strength to have courage. I don't know how to be responsible. I am so tired.
I love chocolates so much. But I have to move on from things which give me too much sweetness at first and would make me bitter in the end. Sad to say, chocolate craving is part of it.
Even just looking at the images of it would like bring tears to my eyes. I hauled my cabinet already and found chocolates and chocolates and chocolates--a little of my clothes.
Letting go. They say if you learn to love, you should also learn to let go. what happened was that last Saturday, I gave my goodies away to my cousins. They so love it and I would have loved them in the same manner if it's that much. Would I weep? Am I that over reacting over the loss of my other love? I could compare it to having yourself annulled to your better-half for fifty years. It's just to grim to think that my your relationship which started so long ago would now vanquish.
Moving on. There are a lot of things I do to get over the madness and addiction. Drinking a lot of water I guess helps a little, at least. But the fluid doesn't flood down the feeling of a broken heart over the loss of chocolates in my system.
Goodbye my love. Thanks for the times we shared. I could still remember myself waking up in the middle of a stormy night, crying for absurd reasons, and get a taste of you. Fare thee well chocolate love. So much for love, sweetness and obsession. I'll get over you soon.
“Sir, yes sir!”
Two days from now, troops will be disseminated to the most perturbed towns in Mindanao . Armed forces are getting ready for a combat over the rebels—a bloody war for sure.
“Getting ready First Lieutenant?” Captain Arvin Vasquez asked his younger brother James who is in the process of cleaning his M16A2 rifle with a piece of cloth. He gave a fleeting smile to his older brother and continued wiping his service firearm. “Yes captain, ‘tis for peace, our families, and for our country.”
Arvin sat beside James on his bunk and tapped the latter’s shoulder. “I am very proud of you, James.”
James just shrugged and continued his errand. “Captain, you know that this is really what I wanted from the start; to be an instrument of national peace and protect the welfare of the people.” James told his brother proudly.
Arvin just smiled and added, “…and to make father proud, don’t you?”
Their father General Antonio Vasquez has been known to be one of the bravest soldiers the country ever had. He saved a lot of citizens from wars in Basilan and Sulu, and brought stillness to some secluded places in
James mind wandered off somewhere. “I want to be like General Vasquez. I promised him that I would protect you and mother by all means.”
“Wherever he is now, I know father is very proud of you, first lieutenant.” Arvin gave James a tap at the back and returned to his quarters.
The militia already got off their armored vehicles and dispersed to different points securing the whole area. Others were already helping the civilians vacate the village while some waited for instructions and signs of probable adversary.
Soldiers hid behind the bushes and at the back of trees when a loud blast reverberated. The troopers aimed at points were rebels came out and fired. An exchange of gunshots agitated the seemingly peaceful community.
After an hour trade of blasts, many radicals who are wounded were arrested whilst soldiers who are injured were brought to the quarters and given medical aid.
“Clear the area! But be careful. There might be buried improvised explosive devices anywhere.” commanded Captain Vasquez to his soldiers.
“Sir, yes sir!” answered the army and proceeded on clearing the vicinity.
Arvin didn’t see his brother James after the troops were disseminated. “Garcia, have you seen first lieutenant Vasquez?”
“No sir! I thought he was already here.” answered one of his troopers.
Arvin went far behind the forest to find his brother. Smokes from the blast almost fog the woods and he hardly sees what is ahead of him. On foot with his rifle, he persistently searched for his brother. He suddenly heard a moan behind a huge tree and instinct told him it is James.
Swiping the bushes and grasses, he called out, “James! Are you there?”
James who got his left foot injured and stuck on an IED implanted on a tousled root of a tree heard his brother and cried for help. “Captain, it’s me!”
“Heavens! What happened to you?” Arvin said after spotting his brother sprawled on the ground with his leg gushing with blood.
“A rebel shot my left leg and knocked me unconscious. He placed me here with an IED. It’s impossible for me to get out of here brother.” James wept bitterly.
Arvin felt his heart crumpling and said, “No! You aren’t gonna die here. I’ll see what I can do to safely discharge the bomb.”
After examining the bomb, he noticed that it was a device with wires cobbled together using fertilizer and dangerous chemicals. It contains an explosive charge, a detonator, and an initiation system. He knows that if his brother will move, the device will blast off.
Feeling all helpless, he said “Do all you can to steady your feet as I move you out.”
“But my foot will stick over the root.” James elucidated.
“I won’t let you just die here!” Arvin exclaimed to his younger brother.
“Maybe this is the end of my life captain. Just take care of mother and Michelle.” He was referring to his girlfriend who is teaching French in an international school in Makati
“We’ll dig the ground out. That would be possible.” Arvin’s eyes sparkled with the idea which sprouted in his mind. “Stop whining like a child, it’s so unbecoming, first lieutenant.” He assured his brother.
He started burrowing the sides and below the tangled root to safely move James’ foot out. When the hole was big enough to shift his brother’s leg, he instructed James to calm down and slowly move his leg down and out. It was not an easy task since James’ leg turned numb with the loss of blood.
James carefully dragged his leg and dipped it down to not hit the IED on the root. All the while, Arvin was watching intently and carefully sighting the bomb for possible movements that would trigger a blast.
As soon as James got his leg free, he crawled toward his brother and hugged him tightly. But to his shock, Arvin stiffened. “What’s wrong brother?”
“You go now; my foot’s stuck in another IED.” Arvin slowly looked down and saw another impossible object of destruction under his foot.
James stared at the IED and silently cursed the creator of such deadly weapon. “Brother, don’t move. I’ll call the Explosive Ordinance Disposal Unit. ”
“That would be late James; I have a crazy feeling that this isn’t an IED but a time bomb.” Arvin looked at the eyes of his brother. “I guess father really insists that one of us should join him in heaven.” He chuckled afterwards.
“That isn’t funny captain.” James stared at his brother sternly.
Arvin tore his dog tag from his neck and handed it down to James. “My turn to narrate my last will.” He smiled and continued looking at James amused face. “You take care of mother, okay? Take care of my wife Julia and my son Kyle.” Tears started to race form his eyes down his cheeks. “Make sure they are feeding Homer properly.” He was referring to his golden retriever back home.
“Cut the drama bother, you’ll be fine.” James stated. He pivoted and gave a salute over his captain and said, “I’ll be back captain.”
Arvin smiled and gave a salute back to his brother. “Carry on, first lieutenant.”
After James took fifty steps away from his brother, the bomb detonated.
“Brother!!!” James exclaimed and called out to the forest.
The EOD unit came out shortly after hearing the loud blast. Too late for Arvin died over the explosion, almost the same as his father General Antonio Vasquez.
The casualties who gave their life off for the benefit of the country’s freedom were properly acknowledged. All of them, along the injured soldiers received a Medal of Valor—the highest honor received by an armed force but their memories and their valiant hearts are enough to tribute them for their nationalism.
There are a lot of events which occurred in my life that I seemed to be so helpless. I know for certain that I can't enumerate all but plain to say, they're numerous.
Just as I don't know how to see things yet before they occur and end up watching all the things I build up crashing down.
To my great dismay I am now in total dilemma. I don't know what to do. So help me God.
Just as I don't know how to see things yet before they occur and end up watching all the things I build up crashing down.
To my great dismay I am now in total dilemma. I don't know what to do. So help me God.
Everyday but all I have is time
our love's a perfect time
Just put your hands on me. I wanna reiterate this to those with dirty minds.
Remembering my sweet escapades with Yancee last summer; kids in love rather, and my fairytale life with Jasper just two months ago--hang me.
Whenever Cheeno tells Japhet the reason why I suddenly turned slim to fat, i feel guilty. I know Dadi Linkz will help me out with this.
Love: like not everyone knows is an offense-in a major (major) way. I loved, was disturbed, ruined but now bouncing back--alive. Those stale memories should I guess be buried. With much respect to Jasper's married life and to his wife Kaye, I now proclaim my moving on. Bye Jazz. Farewell to our petty crimes. Goodbye to the laptop, Aphone, keyboard, C.Raine electric guitar, platinum banded ring, cellphone, chuck taylor emo shoes, and your family which you gave me when we were still together. You know why I returned all of those. I know you'll understand, but one thing's for sure, I'll be selfish enough not to give back our memories.
Though now that I am still torn between loving and missing you, I know deep within me that you'll be happy with Kaye and the family you are about to have in a few months time. My stays in Cebu were worth the while. I'll miss your family and I extend my thanks to them for treating me like a part of the family. I don't hold grudges among you and Kaye for what had happened. I know it was forth coming. As a girl, it would be sad if the father of my child leaves me and that would happen to Kaye if I didn't let you go. So I am letting you go.
I don't know if it is still right to feel this way until now. But give me a break, those things happened so fast. Singing your wedding song stabbed me--bloody hell, but i would have saved the tears. I'll miss you. Let's be friends and be mature enough to face our lives without each other.
Goodbye. See you soon. And to Kaye, love Jazz with all your heart. Be a good wife and a good mother to your future child. I'll be fine.
Sometimes, people just can't get enough of the feeling of being respected. Others try to abuse such values and think high of themselves. Hey guys, don't tell me you are putting yourself up the pedestal?
A lot complain about people who have attitude problems; but whose fault is it anyway? Whenever they can't seem to grasp someones's behavior or if others' attitude can't suit them, they are using the long abused phrase or term called "ATTITUDE PROBLEM".
To get things over and done with, let's see the side of the circle. If anyone happens to unlike everyone's behaviour then it might not be everyone's fault then. See? The problem is that there are just some people who can't seem to adjust to different characteristics. Well in that case, I strongly advise such people to live in a cave. If they can't bend with others, why not live without them? Try to live in a ghost town or perhaps go out of space.
We are living in a huge world. There are billions of people and God made everyone unique. So it is understandable that there are also billions of different individual personalities smothering the world mayo. If you can't bear to get along with everybody then make your own world to live in--with you and people like you who can't understand the word "DIFFERENCE".
I hope that one day, those people will realize how awful it is to live with folks so much similar to them--a clone perhaps.
Mingle. Love. Understand. Tell the Truth. Don't be scared. God will protect you.
A lot complain about people who have attitude problems; but whose fault is it anyway? Whenever they can't seem to grasp someones's behavior or if others' attitude can't suit them, they are using the long abused phrase or term called "ATTITUDE PROBLEM".
To get things over and done with, let's see the side of the circle. If anyone happens to unlike everyone's behaviour then it might not be everyone's fault then. See? The problem is that there are just some people who can't seem to adjust to different characteristics. Well in that case, I strongly advise such people to live in a cave. If they can't bend with others, why not live without them? Try to live in a ghost town or perhaps go out of space.
We are living in a huge world. There are billions of people and God made everyone unique. So it is understandable that there are also billions of different individual personalities smothering the world mayo. If you can't bear to get along with everybody then make your own world to live in--with you and people like you who can't understand the word "DIFFERENCE".
I hope that one day, those people will realize how awful it is to live with folks so much similar to them--a clone perhaps.
Mingle. Love. Understand. Tell the Truth. Don't be scared. God will protect you.
Remembering sad thoughts would only make things even more grim.
Grim. What a word? Well that's it! Now that everything cooled off--(I guess), i may say that it would better be this way--few friends but true, a bunch of avid friends to be, inspirers on the go, enemies on the loose who will not stop until they see you gone (but a big no-no), a warm family whom i always love to go home to, best friends who will always remind me that LOL is just a text or call away, and to keep it all balanced; a boyfriend who is always there but is actually not there--my everdearest ghost boyfriend Yancee.
For the past storms i surpassed, cheers to my self. As I may always say, there's always a time for everything. Though for a couple of times, tough became even tougher, I strongly and bravely went through.
There's a day to say "I do". Not on the context of wearing a white couture dress with a vail, lovingly walking on the aisle. No. But i will finally say I already got married. I already embraced life! That is why if life is punching me here and there, I would understand because life is my husband. LOL.
So you are reading???
- catherine
- so you were reading? hehe.. For convenience, just call me Cath,.. I'm a music-lover, I love reading books of any kind, I listen to rock music.. my greatest dream is to write, and be an author of my very own book.. Am I that wishful? hehe... Well, if you happen to be reading my posts...just have patience on reading them, ok? Nice blog hopping!