5 Days of Distress

Posted Thursday, March 3, 2011 by catherine
If I am not mistaken, this is already the fifth day of my ever kill-me-I-want-to-die malady. It seems that I am losing my cognitive sense. 
It all happened when I forgot how to turn my phone silent. Geez, even elementary students can do that in a whiplash!
 Another thing, when the tricycle driver gave me the change for my money (the fare from our barrio to the city is P9 and the money I gave him was P20, he gave me P16.) I spent almost a minute looking at the change and mentally counting if it is really sixteen pesos or I am just delusional. There were three 5 peso coins and a 1 peso coin. I really felt stupid looking at the money and cursed myself. Am I already in my senile stage?
There is still one thing; I can hardly hear my voice. How much more when I speak to others? People can’t hear me well! I am starting to feel overwhelmingly discouraged about myself. But I know that this is because of my fever.
I am taking 3 sets of medicine every 4-6 hours (or else my mama will kill me)—Paracetamol (for my fever), Carboscistine (for my firework blast- like cough), Phenylprophanolamine (for my runny nose and colds).
Actually, I feel like I am dying. Because for the last 5 days of my bed-ridden-but-shall-go-to-school-death-may-take-me stage, I am throwing up all I am eating. All I can do to nourish myself is to chug some water down. (Imagine what my poop becomes?) That’s why I am also suffering from diarrhea.
I hate it when I am sick. Though I may say that all is well since they’re treating me like a baby, I still hate it when I can’t even manage to raise my arms. It’s so hard! So spare me from my mood swings. I am just out of sorts this times.

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SICK but happy

Posted Wednesday, March 2, 2011 by catherine
I've been sick for the entire week and I am so glad that my mama is there for me all the while. I love you mama. 

Though she washes the dishes instead of me, she still lets me drink my medicine.
Though she cleans the house and sweeps the floor and all, she gives me a therapy.
Though she cooks for our food everytime and rests a little at day, she doesn't leave me astray.


I love you mama and I will always be your Adiek. 

It hurts to see you cry. I know that I am not a perfect daughter but for us, my sisters and me, you are the best mother, protector, guardian, best friend, counselor, adviser and nurse, rolled into one. Our life is not perfect but I can't imagine living it without you mama.


I love you mama. Though I feel like dying because of my endless coughing, sneezing and all, I am somehow happy that we get closer each time. This way, I am happy that I am sick, because my mama is taking good care of me. I LOVE YOU MAMA. ♥
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When I am Sad, I?

Posted Sunday, February 27, 2011 by catherine
When I'm sad I cry. Bow. When I am sad, I cry. This things are just very common for a pessimist like me. I always feel sick. I feel like I am always ready  to quit.
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Pissed off

Posted by catherine
I am so pissed off today. My day started wrong and everything seems like crap. I don't know if I could still carry on pretending that I am okay.I am so pissed of and there is no other adjective that could define what I am feeling today!
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Missing you

Posted Wednesday, February 23, 2011 by catherine
I miss my uncle.

Last August 16, 2010, one of the most important person in my life died. He fared unwell, I know that. He went to Siaton, fine and happy, and went home cold and dead. 

"Your uncle Jessie is here!", my mama said.

"Oh." I saw my uncle again for almost a lifetime of not seeing him. He was in Malaysia for so long a time that he developed a weak body because of continuous working under unpleasant conditions.I hugged him so hard. Like it was the last time I am ever gonna hug him. 

We were all happy that he is home and that he is well. Our family was happy to see a family so dear to us. He stayed with us and decided to go and visit my other uncle. They talked and talked that Sunday. My uncle Fredo and my mama had a feud about serious things that is why we are not there always unlike before. 

The day after they talked, when we were all focused with the grim news on the television, my cousin sent me a message. "Die, patay na biya si yo Fredo." with her signature text below it...God Bless. 

I was astounded that very moment. My hand was trembling and my mind was confused. It was so hard to believe the news I have read on my phone. Somehow, I wished it wasn't true. I wished my cousin meant the other Fredo which was also our relative. 

I almost forgot to share the news to them that I almost jumped from my seat and said. "Hala pa! Ana si Ging2x na patay na daw si yo Fredo!". My papa looked at me and they were all shocked---like me. We all said that maybe he wasn't the Fredo we were afraid to hear of. 

My papa decided to go to their house and I said I will text my cousin cause maybe they are in the hospital. We waited there for my cousin's reply and said that my uncle's corpse is in Holy Child Hospital's morgue. We drove there for almost 30 minutes and we were all boggled. 

When my cousin saw me, she grabbed my arm and dragged me to the morgue. I noticed her eyes were swollen with constant crying. I looked at my uncle's dead body and cried hard. I can't believe that it was him. My happy-go-lucky uncle is now gone. My papa walked behind me and cried too. 

(Actually while blogging this, my tears are streaming.)

The week was full of grim. Still, we are smothered with disbelief. I really pitied my sister because it was her birthday on the 20th and she said that there was nothing to celebrate about. 

Until now, I am still missing my uncle. I am sill sad. I don't want to forget my uncle because he's one of my closest relative. He loves his nieces and nephews equally and that is what I'll miss about him. I'll miss him forever though.





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Please Don't

Posted Monday, February 21, 2011 by catherine
There's an unknown feeling in my chest. I don't know what it is. Don't even know why I am like this. Missing you is far behind my mind. That was long gone. Gone and will never be come back. That was almost a year now. A year of emotional torture. A yer of endless hopes and dreams. A year of lies and pretending.

That was almost forgotten. Not now. Please not now. Not now that I already thought I've moved on. Why won't you leave me alone? Why am I affected with every sad song I hear, feeling like that was our wasted love story. Oppressed? No. Not a chance on that. You don't know how it feels to be stuck. I am long stuck on my ground and somehow I don't know the way out. Help? No one on his right mind will, I guess. Everyone thinks of themselves. Almost all are selfish. All including me. But I could no longer lie to myself.

How many blogs have I posted about me missing you? Yet, not even one of them have you read. Right?. You haven't read even one of my dull, emotional, and suicidal moments because of you. You are selfish! I hate you! I hate you for moving on. I hate you for being happy. I hate you for living your life well. I hate you for stealing all my wit, for taking with you all my sense of happiness, for making me bitter and sounding like i am sour graping.

I hate the moments of me lying just to protect you, the moments which I should have had spent sleeping than spending with you. I hate hearing songs like those of your favorite. Guess what. You were nothing special. You're not even good looking. You are a bore. You are a boo. But you were so mysterious, seems like lost in your own web, and before I knew it, you got me tangled with you.

I want to let go, to run away, away from here. Away from you. Away from your grim memories. Go to hell. I curse the day I believed in everything you said to me. I curse myself for ever believing you. Lastly, I curse you for making my life a total waste! I hope this is the last tine I'll waste my time on you. I should forget you by any means. I should do that before I lose my psyche.


I'll be a devil this time to curse you and your happiness. I'll be selfish this time. I will make your life miserable! If it's the last thing on Earth I'll do. I'll make you suffer like what you did to me. I will make you cry. I will make you feel like dying all the time. Revenge is not the word to describe what I want to take on you. You will soon wish you're better dead. You will soon curse your life. You will soon find yourself chasing for happiness yet you can't get any of it. Sooner than you think, things will slip from your fingers. Any time, this time, you will suffer like I  did.


That way I will rest my peace. That way I can be contented. In that way, I can get all you took from me. That way, I can rest in peace----forever.
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Like Mad

Posted by catherine
Like mad, I walked from our terminal to school. I guess that was at least a kilometer. I feel like I've been to a marathon. I feel so consumed. Maybe I am just tired of walking. I shouldn't associate this with being tired of life. Like any emo would do.... hahaha
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