When I'm sad I cry. Bow. When I am sad, I cry. This things are just very common for a pessimist like me. I always feel sick. I feel like I am always ready to quit.
I am so pissed off today. My day started wrong and everything seems like crap. I don't know if I could still carry on pretending that I am okay.I am so pissed of and there is no other adjective that could define what I am feeling today!
I miss my uncle.
Last August 16, 2010, one of the most important person in my life died. He fared unwell, I know that. He went to Siaton, fine and happy, and went home cold and dead.
"Your uncle Jessie is here!", my mama said.
"Oh." I saw my uncle again for almost a lifetime of not seeing him. He was in Malaysia for so long a time that he developed a weak body because of continuous working under unpleasant conditions.I hugged him so hard. Like it was the last time I am ever gonna hug him.
We were all happy that he is home and that he is well. Our family was happy to see a family so dear to us. He stayed with us and decided to go and visit my other uncle. They talked and talked that Sunday. My uncle Fredo and my mama had a feud about serious things that is why we are not there always unlike before.
The day after they talked, when we were all focused with the grim news on the television, my cousin sent me a message. "Die, patay na biya si yo Fredo." with her signature text below it...God Bless.
I was astounded that very moment. My hand was trembling and my mind was confused. It was so hard to believe the news I have read on my phone. Somehow, I wished it wasn't true. I wished my cousin meant the other Fredo which was also our relative.
I almost forgot to share the news to them that I almost jumped from my seat and said. "Hala pa! Ana si Ging2x na patay na daw si yo Fredo!". My papa looked at me and they were all shocked---like me. We all said that maybe he wasn't the Fredo we were afraid to hear of.
My papa decided to go to their house and I said I will text my cousin cause maybe they are in the hospital. We waited there for my cousin's reply and said that my uncle's corpse is in Holy Child Hospital's morgue. We drove there for almost 30 minutes and we were all boggled.
When my cousin saw me, she grabbed my arm and dragged me to the morgue. I noticed her eyes were swollen with constant crying. I looked at my uncle's dead body and cried hard. I can't believe that it was him. My happy-go-lucky uncle is now gone. My papa walked behind me and cried too.
(Actually while blogging this, my tears are streaming.)
The week was full of grim. Still, we are smothered with disbelief. I really pitied my sister because it was her birthday on the 20th and she said that there was nothing to celebrate about.
Until now, I am still missing my uncle. I am sill sad. I don't want to forget my uncle because he's one of my closest relative. He loves his nieces and nephews equally and that is what I'll miss about him. I'll miss him forever though.
There's an unknown feeling in my chest. I don't know what it is. Don't even know why I am like this. Missing you is far behind my mind. That was long gone. Gone and will never be come back. That was almost a year now. A year of emotional torture. A yer of endless hopes and dreams. A year of lies and pretending.
That was almost forgotten. Not now. Please not now. Not now that I already thought I've moved on. Why won't you leave me alone? Why am I affected with every sad song I hear, feeling like that was our wasted love story. Oppressed? No. Not a chance on that. You don't know how it feels to be stuck. I am long stuck on my ground and somehow I don't know the way out. Help? No one on his right mind will, I guess. Everyone thinks of themselves. Almost all are selfish. All including me. But I could no longer lie to myself.
How many blogs have I posted about me missing you? Yet, not even one of them have you read. Right?. You haven't read even one of my dull, emotional, and suicidal moments because of you. You are selfish! I hate you! I hate you for moving on. I hate you for being happy. I hate you for living your life well. I hate you for stealing all my wit, for taking with you all my sense of happiness, for making me bitter and sounding like i am sour graping.
I hate the moments of me lying just to protect you, the moments which I should have had spent sleeping than spending with you. I hate hearing songs like those of your favorite. Guess what. You were nothing special. You're not even good looking. You are a bore. You are a boo. But you were so mysterious, seems like lost in your own web, and before I knew it, you got me tangled with you.
I want to let go, to run away, away from here. Away from you. Away from your grim memories. Go to hell. I curse the day I believed in everything you said to me. I curse myself for ever believing you. Lastly, I curse you for making my life a total waste! I hope this is the last tine I'll waste my time on you. I should forget you by any means. I should do that before I lose my psyche.
I'll be a devil this time to curse you and your happiness. I'll be selfish this time. I will make your life miserable! If it's the last thing on Earth I'll do. I'll make you suffer like what you did to me. I will make you cry. I will make you feel like dying all the time. Revenge is not the word to describe what I want to take on you. You will soon wish you're better dead. You will soon curse your life. You will soon find yourself chasing for happiness yet you can't get any of it. Sooner than you think, things will slip from your fingers. Any time, this time, you will suffer like I did.
That way I will rest my peace. That way I can be contented. In that way, I can get all you took from me. That way, I can rest in peace----forever.
That was almost forgotten. Not now. Please not now. Not now that I already thought I've moved on. Why won't you leave me alone? Why am I affected with every sad song I hear, feeling like that was our wasted love story. Oppressed? No. Not a chance on that. You don't know how it feels to be stuck. I am long stuck on my ground and somehow I don't know the way out. Help? No one on his right mind will, I guess. Everyone thinks of themselves. Almost all are selfish. All including me. But I could no longer lie to myself.
How many blogs have I posted about me missing you? Yet, not even one of them have you read. Right?. You haven't read even one of my dull, emotional, and suicidal moments because of you. You are selfish! I hate you! I hate you for moving on. I hate you for being happy. I hate you for living your life well. I hate you for stealing all my wit, for taking with you all my sense of happiness, for making me bitter and sounding like i am sour graping.
I hate the moments of me lying just to protect you, the moments which I should have had spent sleeping than spending with you. I hate hearing songs like those of your favorite. Guess what. You were nothing special. You're not even good looking. You are a bore. You are a boo. But you were so mysterious, seems like lost in your own web, and before I knew it, you got me tangled with you.
I want to let go, to run away, away from here. Away from you. Away from your grim memories. Go to hell. I curse the day I believed in everything you said to me. I curse myself for ever believing you. Lastly, I curse you for making my life a total waste! I hope this is the last tine I'll waste my time on you. I should forget you by any means. I should do that before I lose my psyche.
I'll be a devil this time to curse you and your happiness. I'll be selfish this time. I will make your life miserable! If it's the last thing on Earth I'll do. I'll make you suffer like what you did to me. I will make you cry. I will make you feel like dying all the time. Revenge is not the word to describe what I want to take on you. You will soon wish you're better dead. You will soon curse your life. You will soon find yourself chasing for happiness yet you can't get any of it. Sooner than you think, things will slip from your fingers. Any time, this time, you will suffer like I did.
That way I will rest my peace. That way I can be contented. In that way, I can get all you took from me. That way, I can rest in peace----forever.
Like mad, I walked from our terminal to school. I guess that was at least a kilometer. I feel like I've been to a marathon. I feel so consumed. Maybe I am just tired of walking. I shouldn't associate this with being tired of life. Like any emo would do.... hahaha
It really seems to me like everyone is really ready for the fall. How about me? Am I ready to take on the challenge of being away from school, friends, family and etc.? But I know this is for the better. Though I know that I am doing this for myself, a lot of people will benefit from my self-improvement--especially those who care for me.
Anyways, I already smell the scent of summer. Leaves from stoic trees are almost turning brown which is a healthy sign of summer. I used to love this season. But I don't know if that will still do now. I don't know.
Years aback, I remember myself falling in line, with the best students of the school, wearing that euphoric smile under the scorching heat of the sun. Not minding the jitters of sweat running down my forehead to my chin, I just smile knowing that a good year has ended and I will be awarded, again, and as always, the first honor.
But now, I don't feel the same triumph. My parents can no longer be proud of me. I am lost. While others are planning where to go this summer, I am planing to take a big leap with my life. A leap, a jump, a jump to leap, or whatever they call it. They just don't understand. And maybe you who's reading this won't also understand. I need time to recover everything I've broken. I need to settle all my insecurities to function well and better next time. I should think that it will not be the end of the world if I leave school, or if I stop schooling. I need to make people understand that I need to mend my behavior. I am a total wreck, can anyone tell that to me? I am a procastinator. I won't be able to be productive as before if I won't do what is needed of me to do.
Have you even noticed that I am unhappy? No, you actually don't. For you, I am just over reacting. I am OA. That is what you always say. But we are different. What makes you happy might not make me happy. What brings you tears might give me a hearbreak. YOu don't know because you don't ask. You assume that everything is okay. No, it is not. No, I am not okay. The truth of the matter is that I have been a pessimist since I graduated elementary. I thought, and that thought was inculcated in my mind and soul for the past six years of my life, THAT NO MATTER WHAT I DO, MY PARENTS WON'T BE PROUD OF ME.
That has been my problem for more than 6 years. I am in pain for more than six years because of that. Apathy didn't help me. Because truth is that I am still hurt, until now that my parents were not happy that very day of my graduation in Elementary. Now I know my problem. I have been insecure and unproductive all this time because of that. I guess a psychologist can figure this out easily, or a psychiatrist.
I've always lived to please my parents. I thought what would make them happy would also make me happy. That was what I thought. That was why I am now destructed. Now I know. Now you know. Now i know, at least, that my problem has been defined. Next step is to look and think of the best solustion to this problem and I've figured that first before knowing what my problem really was. I have the solution. And I'll do whatever it takes to make things right this time. No matter what the consequences are.
Anyways, I already smell the scent of summer. Leaves from stoic trees are almost turning brown which is a healthy sign of summer. I used to love this season. But I don't know if that will still do now. I don't know.
Years aback, I remember myself falling in line, with the best students of the school, wearing that euphoric smile under the scorching heat of the sun. Not minding the jitters of sweat running down my forehead to my chin, I just smile knowing that a good year has ended and I will be awarded, again, and as always, the first honor.
But now, I don't feel the same triumph. My parents can no longer be proud of me. I am lost. While others are planning where to go this summer, I am planing to take a big leap with my life. A leap, a jump, a jump to leap, or whatever they call it. They just don't understand. And maybe you who's reading this won't also understand. I need time to recover everything I've broken. I need to settle all my insecurities to function well and better next time. I should think that it will not be the end of the world if I leave school, or if I stop schooling. I need to make people understand that I need to mend my behavior. I am a total wreck, can anyone tell that to me? I am a procastinator. I won't be able to be productive as before if I won't do what is needed of me to do.
Have you even noticed that I am unhappy? No, you actually don't. For you, I am just over reacting. I am OA. That is what you always say. But we are different. What makes you happy might not make me happy. What brings you tears might give me a hearbreak. YOu don't know because you don't ask. You assume that everything is okay. No, it is not. No, I am not okay. The truth of the matter is that I have been a pessimist since I graduated elementary. I thought, and that thought was inculcated in my mind and soul for the past six years of my life, THAT NO MATTER WHAT I DO, MY PARENTS WON'T BE PROUD OF ME.
That has been my problem for more than 6 years. I am in pain for more than six years because of that. Apathy didn't help me. Because truth is that I am still hurt, until now that my parents were not happy that very day of my graduation in Elementary. Now I know my problem. I have been insecure and unproductive all this time because of that. I guess a psychologist can figure this out easily, or a psychiatrist.
I've always lived to please my parents. I thought what would make them happy would also make me happy. That was what I thought. That was why I am now destructed. Now I know. Now you know. Now i know, at least, that my problem has been defined. Next step is to look and think of the best solustion to this problem and I've figured that first before knowing what my problem really was. I have the solution. And I'll do whatever it takes to make things right this time. No matter what the consequences are.
Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out.
There's that. Do I still need to write details of my coughing catastrophe this days? That's it. My cough sounds like a bang. I hate it. I'd rather die than to cough in front of my boyfriend. That's how worse it is. And to think he's studying premed in Cebu Doctors University. Would it be sweet if I'll be his first patient?
Can you also change your relationship status in blog? For so many months, I've been totally messed up and devastated with the love I never had, and the love who drifted away. Now, I can actually say that life. Good things really come to those who wait. ♥
Haven't you noticed that everyone is aching to give you a punch on the face? Or are you just that insensitive that you are hurting people with your don't-know-what attitude. My God. When will you ever learn. I just hate you so much. But I guess my wrath and grudge would just send me to grave earlier than you. I don't want that to happen. I want to be there, standing, wearing all red on your funeral. I will never leave till I see you buried 6 feet below the cold ground.
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....
by :A fine Frenzy
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm tress swinging in the wind--images
you sang me Spanish lullabies
the sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick
Well I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye my almost lover, Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you, Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance, My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache, Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street, You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
you told me you would never ever forget these images no
(Repeat Refrain and Chorus)
Bridge:
I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot try the students at night
I cannot wake up in the morning, without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted, and I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out my life
I ain't mad. It's just that it's very different if you tell your biggest secret to anyone person than they will to others. First is that I can't justify myself. I know what i did were all unforgivable, but, at least, give me the benefit of the doubt. I ain't that bad. I just loved and thought it would be forever. If you'll gonna ask me if I would do those things again. I think I still will. I just loved and would never regret it.
Secrets are secrets. Secrets are supposed to be kept. I trusted people to keep my secrets because I know they will keep it and guard it with their own lives but I guess I am wrong.
The reason was absurd. I would never bring up your secrets to other people if I am mad at you at that moment. I will never do that. I am just hurt. I am deeply hurt. I didn't even tell my ever dearest best friend about what happened because I know she will never forgive me. But I guess it was a lot better if she knew, because I know she will keep it forever. Oh, how I appreciate my best friend at this very moment. She's been a dear friend--a real friend.
I ain't mad. But you know that secrets are secrets and I really think your reasons are absurd. I ain't mad--just hurt.
Since having a party is too icky, I decided to have a simple celebration with my family and friends. Here's what happened.
December 12, 2010
12:00 am= my uncle came to our house and said that my aunt was about to give birth
8:00= of course, my special someone greeted me. Bwahahaha...
9:00= my aunts and other relatives from afar greeted me too
10:00= bonding with best buds
and the rest of the day was spent on the hospital, my aunt already gave birth to our newest baby boy cousin, baby Kenth.
December 12, 2010
12:00 am= my uncle came to our house and said that my aunt was about to give birth
8:00= of course, my special someone greeted me. Bwahahaha...
9:00= my aunts and other relatives from afar greeted me too
10:00= bonding with best buds
and the rest of the day was spent on the hospital, my aunt already gave birth to our newest baby boy cousin, baby Kenth.
Here's some of my birthday pictures and baby Kenth's....
Yehey. Ngayon lang nag-sink in ang fact na 18 na ako.
Triple the fun. Triple the squirm. Thrice the hurt. Thrice the guilt.
Since there is no one to heat up my Valentines, I would perhaps just try to wander off my favorite e-books on the net. Upon gazing and reading almost a hundred of historical romance novels just this year-hey, what a number-and since others find it quite boring, but hell me, I just love them.
Royalties like the prince, marquis, lords, counts, and dukes rule over historical times and a lot of people often wonder how these people love. Well-definitely, they're so HOT. Unmindful of their wealth, what makes them just so into it, is that they are so stubborn and when they say they want to do that--they certainly will, without holding back.
In search for a pretty face to conjure upon images of the dashing romeos I've read in the book, here are my top two. Hope you like it.
Philip Warren Gertson. Just look at them with the tux. Imagine him swirling around, controlling the ball with all his wits, smiling at all the audience and boom! capturing hearts of she-wolves. Like hell! Who wants to remove her sight from Phil? How would that possibly be?
Joo In Sung. Like have you seen how hot he was in Memories of Bali? Would you really think of this as a lad just fiddling around the city streets? No! He's just so amazing, and don't forget of him being handsome too.
I already finished reading the 313 page e-book on tempting the prince by patricia grasso and I just fell in love. Sometimes I often wonder if fairytales do come true. Does it?
I haven't experienced one. Hmmmp. Here goes bitterness again and I just hate it. It's okay, after this eyebags will be gone, so is my bitterness. I just need sleep.
P.S. Please bare with my grammar and other english technical stuffs and whatever. If you think I am talking shit, it's just that I lack sleep. Need to sleep now. ADIOS!!!<3
I haven't experienced one. Hmmmp. Here goes bitterness again and I just hate it. It's okay, after this eyebags will be gone, so is my bitterness. I just need sleep.
P.S. Please bare with my grammar and other english technical stuffs and whatever. If you think I am talking shit, it's just that I lack sleep. Need to sleep now. ADIOS!!!<3
So you are reading???
- catherine
- so you were reading? hehe.. For convenience, just call me Cath,.. I'm a music-lover, I love reading books of any kind, I listen to rock music.. my greatest dream is to write, and be an author of my very own book.. Am I that wishful? hehe... Well, if you happen to be reading my posts...just have patience on reading them, ok? Nice blog hopping!