Forbidden Element

It really seems to me like everyone is really ready for the fall. How about me? Am I ready to take on the challenge of being away from school, friends, family and etc.? But I know this is for the better. Though I know that I am doing this for myself, a lot of people will benefit from my self-improvement--especially those who care for me.

Anyways, I already smell the scent of summer. Leaves from stoic trees are almost turning brown which is a healthy sign of summer. I used to love this season. But I don't know if that will still do now. I don't know.

Years aback, I remember myself falling in line, with the best students of the school, wearing that euphoric smile under the scorching heat of the sun. Not minding the jitters of sweat running down my forehead to my chin, I just smile knowing that a good year has ended and I will be awarded, again, and as always, the first honor.

But now, I don't feel the same triumph. My parents can no longer be proud of me. I am lost. While others are planning where to go this summer, I am planing to take a big leap with my life. A leap, a  jump, a jump to leap, or whatever they call it. They just don't understand. And maybe you who's reading this won't also understand. I need time to recover everything I've broken. I need to settle all my insecurities to function well and better next time. I should think that it will not be the end of the world if I leave school, or if I stop schooling. I need to make people understand that I need to mend my behavior. I am a total wreck, can anyone tell that to me? I am a procastinator. I won't be able to be productive as before if I won't do what is needed of me to do.

Have you even noticed that  I am unhappy? No, you actually don't. For you, I am just over reacting. I am OA. That is what you always say. But we are different. What makes you happy might not make me happy. What brings you tears might give me a hearbreak. YOu don't know because you don't ask. You assume that everything is okay. No, it is not. No, I am not okay. The truth of the matter is that I have been a pessimist since I graduated elementary. I thought, and that thought was inculcated in my mind and soul for the past  six years of my life, THAT NO MATTER WHAT I DO, MY PARENTS WON'T BE PROUD OF ME.

That has been my problem for more than 6 years. I am in pain for more than six years because of that. Apathy didn't help me. Because truth is that I am still hurt, until now that my parents were not happy that very day of my graduation in Elementary. Now I know my problem. I have been insecure and unproductive all this time because of that. I guess a psychologist can figure this out easily, or a psychiatrist.

I've always lived to please my parents. I thought what would make them happy would also make me happy. That was what I thought. That was why I am now destructed. Now I know. Now you know. Now i know, at least, that my problem has been defined. Next step is to look and think of the best solustion to this problem and I've figured that first before knowing what my problem really was. I have the solution. And I'll do whatever it takes to make things right this time. No matter what the consequences are.