Forbidden Element

I am really not feeling well...emotionally. My heart aches so much, and my mind is so tired of thinking. Can the world excuse you from thinking, feeling, and breathing? I sometimes wonder if one can die for a while just to feel that he was once alive? Would that be really possible? Perhaps, if one is in comma.

I slept last night with all grim thoughts cycling in my mind. Wondering why I did afford to sleep with all doubts, fears and aches that occupy my mind....wow, amazing.

Die. Am I not dead yet? Is that for sure? Cause I am really tired of feeling, breathing, hurting, being scared and all the more disappointed. I hate myself, for I can't defeat the lazy, bitchy, liar, schemer, and all the f*** of me.
Can I surrender? I've cried because of my acts. I am so helpless. Am I already crazy? I hope so. So that I could rest in a mental asylum. People won't expect anything from me. They'll talk to me and would get nothing and most of all, I could do whatever I want. I could rest my boggled mind for so long.

As of the very moment, all I want is space. No dictations. No matter what I do, I want myself to care and not other people. I don't want people to say do this and that when I can't do it anymore. I am just so tired to continue but I don't have any choice. Did they ask me if I want this? No. They don't care. I am facing the biggest dilemma of my life but people won't spare me from their reprimands and advices. Well, I must say I don't need them unless I ask for them!

I am just so tired of reiterating that I am tired. When did I start feeling so hollow? NO. It was not ever since. But, I can't remember the reasons anymore. I wrecked my self and people try to put me back to whole again with their acts but they don't know they are just making things worst.

I am so coward. Because if I've ever been strong, I could have had the courage to hang myself with a rope, or have taken sleeping pills to overdose. I feel so discouraged because I don't have any choice. All my life I've always been so afraid of what people will say about me, but now I don't. I am so lost. But people don't see it and refuse to see it.

I am so tired really. One of this days, I would talk to my parents and ask for their forgiveness. I just feel so useless. Maybe if I would do that, they would understand how all this time I feel so guilty and sorry that it makes me numb. It paralyzes  me. My guilt doesn't make me go on. It grabs me by the feet and drag me to hell.

I asked God a lot of time if he could ever help me with this. Who could help me? A psychiatrist? Maybe. I feel so futile. Never have had felt this way before. I felt sorry for a very long time that even myself can't forgive the things I've done. No one will understand. I want to runaway, to escape but there's no place to go. I want to die but death is so far and it seems so impossible. I am losing sight of what they are saying that people live because they have different purposes in life. I don't know what my purpose is. I am so tired and fed up.

I envy people because they have a sense of direction. They are so happy because they had their life all planned out, while I don't know what to do. I am so coward. I don't have the strength to have courage. I don't know how to be responsible. I am so tired.