There are a lot of events which occurred in my life that I seemed to be so helpless. I know for certain that I can't enumerate all but plain to say, they're numerous.
Just as I don't know how to see things yet before they occur and end up watching all the things I build up crashing down.
To my great dismay I am now in total dilemma. I don't know what to do. So help me God.
Everyday but all I have is time
our love's a perfect time
Just put your hands on me. I wanna reiterate this to those with dirty minds.
Remembering my sweet escapades with Yancee last summer; kids in love rather, and my fairytale life with Jasper just two months ago--hang me.
Whenever Cheeno tells Japhet the reason why I suddenly turned slim to fat, i feel guilty. I know Dadi Linkz will help me out with this.
Love: like not everyone knows is an offense-in a major (major) way. I loved, was disturbed, ruined but now bouncing back--alive. Those stale memories should I guess be buried. With much respect to Jasper's married life and to his wife Kaye, I now proclaim my moving on. Bye Jazz. Farewell to our petty crimes. Goodbye to the laptop, Aphone, keyboard, C.Raine electric guitar, platinum banded ring, cellphone, chuck taylor emo shoes, and your family which you gave me when we were still together. You know why I returned all of those. I know you'll understand, but one thing's for sure, I'll be selfish enough not to give back our memories.
Though now that I am still torn between loving and missing you, I know deep within me that you'll be happy with Kaye and the family you are about to have in a few months time. My stays in Cebu were worth the while. I'll miss your family and I extend my thanks to them for treating me like a part of the family. I don't hold grudges among you and Kaye for what had happened. I know it was forth coming. As a girl, it would be sad if the father of my child leaves me and that would happen to Kaye if I didn't let you go. So I am letting you go.
I don't know if it is still right to feel this way until now. But give me a break, those things happened so fast. Singing your wedding song stabbed me--bloody hell, but i would have saved the tears. I'll miss you. Let's be friends and be mature enough to face our lives without each other.
Goodbye. See you soon. And to Kaye, love Jazz with all your heart. Be a good wife and a good mother to your future child. I'll be fine.
Sometimes, people just can't get enough of the feeling of being respected. Others try to abuse such values and think high of themselves. Hey guys, don't tell me you are putting yourself up the pedestal?
A lot complain about people who have attitude problems; but whose fault is it anyway? Whenever they can't seem to grasp someones's behavior or if others' attitude can't suit them, they are using the long abused phrase or term called "ATTITUDE PROBLEM".
To get things over and done with, let's see the side of the circle. If anyone happens to unlike everyone's behaviour then it might not be everyone's fault then. See? The problem is that there are just some people who can't seem to adjust to different characteristics. Well in that case, I strongly advise such people to live in a cave. If they can't bend with others, why not live without them? Try to live in a ghost town or perhaps go out of space.
We are living in a huge world. There are billions of people and God made everyone unique. So it is understandable that there are also billions of different individual personalities smothering the world mayo. If you can't bear to get along with everybody then make your own world to live in--with you and people like you who can't understand the word "DIFFERENCE".
I hope that one day, those people will realize how awful it is to live with folks so much similar to them--a clone perhaps.
Mingle. Love. Understand. Tell the Truth. Don't be scared. God will protect you.
A lot complain about people who have attitude problems; but whose fault is it anyway? Whenever they can't seem to grasp someones's behavior or if others' attitude can't suit them, they are using the long abused phrase or term called "ATTITUDE PROBLEM".
To get things over and done with, let's see the side of the circle. If anyone happens to unlike everyone's behaviour then it might not be everyone's fault then. See? The problem is that there are just some people who can't seem to adjust to different characteristics. Well in that case, I strongly advise such people to live in a cave. If they can't bend with others, why not live without them? Try to live in a ghost town or perhaps go out of space.
We are living in a huge world. There are billions of people and God made everyone unique. So it is understandable that there are also billions of different individual personalities smothering the world mayo. If you can't bear to get along with everybody then make your own world to live in--with you and people like you who can't understand the word "DIFFERENCE".
I hope that one day, those people will realize how awful it is to live with folks so much similar to them--a clone perhaps.
Mingle. Love. Understand. Tell the Truth. Don't be scared. God will protect you.
Remembering sad thoughts would only make things even more grim.
Grim. What a word? Well that's it! Now that everything cooled off--(I guess), i may say that it would better be this way--few friends but true, a bunch of avid friends to be, inspirers on the go, enemies on the loose who will not stop until they see you gone (but a big no-no), a warm family whom i always love to go home to, best friends who will always remind me that LOL is just a text or call away, and to keep it all balanced; a boyfriend who is always there but is actually not there--my everdearest ghost boyfriend Yancee.
For the past storms i surpassed, cheers to my self. As I may always say, there's always a time for everything. Though for a couple of times, tough became even tougher, I strongly and bravely went through.
There's a day to say "I do". Not on the context of wearing a white couture dress with a vail, lovingly walking on the aisle. No. But i will finally say I already got married. I already embraced life! That is why if life is punching me here and there, I would understand because life is my husband. LOL.
Well it just isn't.
It's not about singing "Your Not Sorry" under the mango tree watching different faces passing by while lying on a swing. It's definitely not the 3 guitar strings I happened to break while I was practicing my audition piece, Hiery it isn't the blisters I have in my fingers for gripping and clipping the strings as I was strumming some melodies to life.
While looking at the pedestrian making their way to their respective destination, I came to realize that it really doesn't mean that while you're on your journey, people shoulod cheer for you to go. You can walk alone.
Sometimes, it can be of a great pain to be reflecting that on your long excursion, no one walks beside you but your self. You succumbed into the thought that you should and would rather be alone and take the long journey home. Well it just isn't. While you are looking beside you, you forgot something important. You didn't remember to look up-- God is just there, watchn your every move and guiding you in every step that you take.
I remember kuya Arnel saying this when he was teaching me to play the piano before. "Your hands have its own ears. As you strike the keys, especially when it is your first time, you'll realize that you want to strike more to the point that you are making your own melody. But as you learn to read notes, you abide by what you read on the sheet music. Only a few people loves to listen to the melodies that there own hands make. Listen to the melody. Strike relentlessly, and you'll discover that your hands are becoming light as the feathers, it's because of the freedom you are feedom. You haven't noticed that God is playing the piano with you. You are making the melody and He is laying on the accompaniment."
And as he was saying those words, he strike the piano keys without reading the sheet music. His hands were really as light as the feather. And then did I realize that God is playing the piano with him. There is no need to be a virtuoso but as long as you learn to listen. Just learn to listen.
Sometimes, our anger is blocking our logic. We are lulled into the stage of denial as pride makes its way to our hearts. Thus, we tend not to listen. You just hear the words but you forget to listen--it's hearing with understanding, its hearing with empathy.
It isn't just it. Once you'll learn to listen, things would be better. So instead of saying that the ear is for hearing, you should slap yourself and say you're wrong. Ears are for hearing not, but for listening.
That is what I love about the rain. Now that it's cold, you long for warmth.
I've never been this happy in my entire life. Now I always look forward to going home and spending my moments with my family, watching movies together, laughing about things that had happened recently and being with my life now--raven.
My boyfriend might feel like his not important to me but he also is. I've always looked forward to this kind of family--we are so happy.
For my coursemates who always let me borrow their books and for the few friends i had hung out with lately, i wish i am with you all the time. You let me see the bright and beautiful side of life. I couldn't be any happier. LOVE.
ampalaya people....could be the most comic pipol in the whole world...
Posted
Sunday, July 11, 2010
by catherine
They have wasted their time posting someting, commenting on posts and all, claiming they have already moved on...but wait...why the bitter?
If you say you want to be silent then zip your stupid (that adjective really fits you...sorry...) mouth and let all things be as is and stand on your ground, staying silent!!!!...
You always say that you have already moved on but here you are... bringing up the issue again and again. Is that what you mean by moving on???----gosh, excuse me.
There you go, slapping issues on people's faces when you already said you don't mind them. Why waste your time on people whom you already said you don't care about when in total FACT, they don't care the more about you.
You pity them? No. That is not the case. Truth is that you pity yourself for caring about these people...whom you thought would bow down before you and kiss the land your paving, but at the end, bit you. You really can't live without this people that you are raging whenever you know that they are happy. Why just leave these peope alone?! You are just a walking definition of the word INSECURE.
If you say these people gather pity from other people then leave that somebody alone. What difference would there be from the two of you when you also say what you feel about his/her acts to also to fetch people's acknowledgement bout what you feel. so in other words, you are even worse than the person na ikina-puputok ng butsi mo!...
Just keep quiet because all the more, you will appear to be comic after all the things you've been doing. Comic???--the understatement of the year!!!
If you say you want to be silent then zip your stupid (that adjective really fits you...sorry...) mouth and let all things be as is and stand on your ground, staying silent!!!!...
You always say that you have already moved on but here you are... bringing up the issue again and again. Is that what you mean by moving on???----gosh, excuse me.
There you go, slapping issues on people's faces when you already said you don't mind them. Why waste your time on people whom you already said you don't care about when in total FACT, they don't care the more about you.
You pity them? No. That is not the case. Truth is that you pity yourself for caring about these people...whom you thought would bow down before you and kiss the land your paving, but at the end, bit you. You really can't live without this people that you are raging whenever you know that they are happy. Why just leave these peope alone?! You are just a walking definition of the word INSECURE.
If you say these people gather pity from other people then leave that somebody alone. What difference would there be from the two of you when you also say what you feel about his/her acts to also to fetch people's acknowledgement bout what you feel. so in other words, you are even worse than the person na ikina-puputok ng butsi mo!...
Just keep quiet because all the more, you will appear to be comic after all the things you've been doing. Comic???--the understatement of the year!!!
(I wrote this in Spanish so that not everyone will encrypt.. this message is especially for you kuya j)
El hermano, yo soy tan sory para todas las cosas que hice a husted. Se que cause aflegieria. Usted me puede llamar un mentiroso todo desea. Fui dolido realmente pero soy fino. Yo siempre le he respetado y le adorado.
Fue siempre alli cuando llore y amis momento felices. Ellos quizas pensen que es malo, pero para mi usted es el mejor hermano enn el mundo.
Lamento mucho a hermano y te quero tanto.Adios y gracias por todo! Idios bendice!
Been there. Done That.
Let bygones be bygones.
I came back to see where I belong. Stubborn-yes! Hardheaded-sure! Liar-no way!
I am an emo. (Sure I am.) Whatever comes from my mouth is the entire truth--for those who knows who I really am. If I tell you 'your dress is nice'--I mean it. If I tell you "i don't like your attitude"--yeah I mean it (for sure). But that doesn't mean that because I act different from what other people expect and assume me to do means that I am a total rebel--doesn't mean that I don't get hurt, doesn't mean that I could just let everything pass. It could be too much that at some point I can't bear it anymore, and in some instances I tend to be more suicidal. From my 17 years of existence in the world mayo, I still am not good at handling problems. There are a lot of things that I know I can't change, I know I can't return, I know I can't replay but I am struggling to fight what I long have been. Silly. But as far as I know, I am really like this. I don't ask you to believe everything that I say but even for a moment, consider how I feel when you try not to listen, when you try not to care. It damn hurts a lot. But I know I can't please everyone. I am not after being in good terms with everyone--I am not Miss Congeniality. But at least, I want not to be hated--though unloved, it's okay than to be unwanted. =)
If ever I am nowhere to be seen, just think of me as your reverie.
For the last months, it have been so hard to sleep. I can't clarify why. I really want to leave, to start a life anew, meet new friends--run away from everything that is smothering me here. It's just so hard to accept the fact that those things you want to runaway from are the things you know you would never live without. I am torn; between leaving Dumaguete, my friends and the life I had started to establish, and with the hunger to be free--to gasp the air of freedom, freedom from the consequences of my acts. I just can't help but be sorry for all that would be wasted but I really tried to fight, but i was too weak to go on,, and so I am planning to leave--by all means.
I am so sorry to those people who trusted me so much. I never meant to fail you as much as I did fail myself. This has never been better, hope you all understand. It has always been hard--very hard.
As of today, March 28, 2010, I am still not sure of what is ahead of me--still not sure. Maybe next week I am already inhaling the fresh air of Zamboanga--0r--I'll be finding myself queuing up for the enrollment--I still don't know.
But one thing's for sure, whatever might happen, it is for the best (at least so).
It's not yet goodbye...but, till we meet again...
The fact that four of my most beloved kuyas are leaving, is so startling. They already finished their studies and I may say, (congratulations mga kuya), but it is still so vague. It still seems that they will forever be a part of TN and we will always be together. Holidays have been fun because I spent it with them. Looking back to the minute I stepped my foot on the TN office, it was then that I realized that I will be a part of it--and sure it did, I became a staffer!
I don't have a brother but in TN, I am full with brotherly love. They all inspire me and makes me wish I had a real brother but their mere presence is enough. I love all of my kuyas.
KUYA JUNRELL CALUNOD (TN EiC) My original Kuya
The first time I knew that he was the EiC, I laughed at my self. Because at first, I thought Kuya Noriel was Junrell Calunod. I mistook him for being the eic because he was always there at the written exam and the interview.
Kuya Junrell, as I would squeeze my first impression, is respectable. It is when you look at him, you really can't say that he is just a normal student. He has the air of leadership and you can't just say he is a typical college student in the whole system of NORSU.
We were really not that close but as I would remember, he gives the warmest brotherly hug in the world when you need him. He gives you advises that you can easily relate upon. WAPU members are Kuyas closest but he showed to us--the Adam's Apple Society Girls--that we are his little sisters.
I also was very touched when Kuya showed his total concern for me when I was in the hospital. (Thank you for the icecream kuya--it saved my life actually.) Though he is always busy, he never forgets to jam with all of us. That is what I will miss about Kuya the most.
He is about to move on to another chapter in his life. We, who are left, will still embattle with the challenges he was had fought and conquered but we will always be inspired because at teh end of the day, there will always be a Kuya Junrell whom we can run to--no matter how far the distance.
KUYA MARVIN JAY MUPAL (TN News Editor) My lovable Kuya
He nitiated the Adam's Apple Society. I would always laugh at his clever jokes and would be touched by his brotherly concern to everyone though he would often stretch it in a funny manner.
At first, Kuya Mavs, as what I thought he was, was strict--writing wise. He is a good editor and he is responsible with his work.
We, the AAS girls are very close to him, especially Rolyn, Lycel, and I. He is always there, ready to make your eyes teary with laughter. Even if we have problems, being with Kuya Mavs would always remind us that life, indeed, is still worth living. I love you kuya mavs!
KUYA PAUL DENVER SY (TN Web Master) My 1/8 Chinese Kuya
Kuya Paul has always been approachable from the start.
I will not forget the time he taught us how to make a blogger account though he was rushing to his class. He is one of the few people who I salute for their knowledge in computer stuffs. What a computer freak you are kuya Denver!!! hahaha...
I always ask for his help when I (show my ignorance in civilization) can't seem to know how to make things possible through the computer, when I want to research a song, if I want to listen to a song, and whenever I sing a song, he does the searching for me...oh, sweet kuya Paul.
Though you told me before that you are sad because you don't have a special someone, and I can't believe it because you are so good-looking (Ahemmmm!)
Time will come Kuya that girls will fall in line for you. Hehehe... You will soon find the perfect girl for you. Someone who could take good care of you and someone whom you could take care of too.
KUYA CHRISTIAN EDU VILLEGAS (TN ARTIST) My cute Kuya
Thoug we were close only at the second semester, I still could say that I love kuya Tian!
Whenever I need an advise, he is just a text away. He knows some of my secrets too--he is a good listener.
Kuya Tian you will be a teacher soon. Keep on inspiring people with your warmth and charm... God Bless you Kuya Tian!!!
I love all of my Kuyas. I will miss them. Till we meet again my beloved Kuyas!!!
I lost everything but not that quite. I must say that the battle has long been over, that all that are left are the debris of miseries and remorse. I know I don't have the capacity to take it all back. But I want to change. How can I do this if I will never be given the chance to?
To everyone whom I have caused pain to--I'm so sorry, I am just tired--please bear with me.
A.) If I have been a real pain in the neck. If I really have been so, well, please bear with me. This is just me; I can adjust but not totally revoke my character. Emo they may say--I admit that I am--so they care? I care for all of you and please have the patience to stick with me...I really can't live alone.
B.) I am a great pessimist. I can't pretend to think positive if things around me are freaking me out. Once I say I want to die, it seems to be a consolation that at the end of the day, there will be two outcomes. It's either I will die, or those whom/which I hate the most will vanquish. But in the 17 years of my existence, neither of the two choices were granted. I wonder why. Maybe it is because... my pessimistic words are a reciprocating force that drives things to become positive. Because if not, I could have hung myself on the tree long time ago.
C.) Stupid Mood Swings. Sometimes, I become happy and on the next moment, I want to stab people who crosses my peripheral view. Damn it! I swear I don't like this attitude problem. But I salute those people who are long immuned with my unbearable behavior, I love you all guys.
D.) I have a criminal mind--joke!!!--but I want it to be true. How I wish have this kind of ability. Like owning a death note, I really want to start writing names!
I said I was just dying. I never said I would like to live. If I'll die--so be it!
He whispered the words that "I'll miss you"
and left a note outside the door
he said I'll be back some time
before our hearts grow cold
and you've never seen this heart
we never spent more than a day apart
you can say he's up to something
you can say he's up to something
I can sense he's up to something
Cause he found love out west
he found everything that wasn't me
he found love in California
he found love in California
and I'm destined to start over
now I'm destined to start anew
cause I have everything in you...
So as goes the song of Four Letter Lie "Stay For A Lifetime". The question is, "Can he still stay with me? Everything has not been OK since he went away. I waited. I cried. Yet, I don't want to surrender.
I already begged for him to stay. He didn't listen. He moved away. He left me. Yet now, I am still missing him.
I already promised myself that I will never mention him again, but I still do. I never get tired of calling his name in the middle of the night, looking up the sky, hoping that he watches the stars like I do. Though always in tears, I reminisce our happy times together.
It has been a year since he left. The last time we were together was when he sent me home. Together, we went to my bestfriend's house. Holding the camera, he took pictures of me and him and my bestfriend appreciated his shots. I told him that he can be a good photographer someday--so off he went.
"Let's go home." I told him.
He smiled and held my hand. "Whatever you like, *****"
He drove his motorcycle and I was right behind hugging him. It could have been sweet but not till he told me he's going to Manila. I was in tears but I remained strong hoping that everything will be OK.
Months went by, I found a new love. He is still stuck in Manila and is already a photographer. Girls flock around him while I am still here, waiting and wishing he would come back.
Not till one fateful night...
He told me he's already in Dumaguete. I wondered if he was just joking or what. I asked him if it was true. He did not answer.
Janet, on the other hand, really wants to help me because he is not replying my text messages. Janet texted him and he replied. She told him everything which I know I can't afford to tell him.
There, I got the closure I wanted from the start. He let me go.
Many people are asking me, why I am like this. I just smile and say "I'm EMO".
This is the answer to all your questions.
Jerome Olarte (Jhom
) was my best friend. He used to teach me how to play basketball. He taught me how to play the guitar. He went with me to World Of Fun and played just for me. He won a stuffed toy that time and gave it to me. I still have it till now--Wesley.
We were friends for so long.We were together most of the time. He promised me he would stay with me forever-- I believed him then.
But there was something about the way he held my hand. It signaled a thought of him saying goodbye. Girl's instincts are often true. I believe it now.
Truth? I am still not over him. I don't know until when will I shake him off my heart. He used to be my everything, and now that he's gone, I lost every part of me. He is now happy with his life and I am here, stuck with my memories of him.
It's so painful. Seeing a couple holding hands is one of the daily sights which tortures me. I tried to divert my attention to someone.. yet I still can't. No one could ever equate with the love I out poured before just and only for him.
I want to be happy. Yet every time I try to be, people always judge me. They value their opinion more than they should have listened to what I should say.
The issue on being close with boys doesn't mean I'm flirting. I just miss him, that's all. Boys have more sense than when you talk to girls.
I miss him everyday. I miss him so bad. How can I move on or find some one new if every day of my life, he occupies my thoughts and my heart. I need help. Bad thing about falling in love is not moving on.
The next time that someone will hold my hand,I hope it means forever. I miss you.
Looking back at what Cheeno told me, "You are so pathetic hon." with a sheepish smile. (the nerve of him!) Well, I don't mind. The truth that I am pathetic is already established in the pages of Encyclopedia Britanica. (better check it if you don't agree)
Because of that, I am diverting my attention to my crushes in the Anime world. They won't leave me. That's the best thing about them. The following are my crushes, my future husbandsssss... hahaha...exaggerated.
Because of that, I am diverting my attention to my crushes in the Anime world. They won't leave me. That's the best thing about them. The following are my crushes, my future husbandsssss... hahaha...exaggerated.
Death Note Instructions. Tackled here are the rules that must be remembered in using the note of death. (If it happens to be true, I wanna start writing names!!! evil laughs)
L. His name is L. He is weird but cool. (I love his hair--ofcourse! It reminds me of him... shivers!)
Light. The main character of Death Note. (He's so yummy isn't it???)
Mello. One of L's descendants. (The rugged type.)
Near. L's successor. He is so much like L. (Yummy also...)
Mikami Teru. I don't know much about him. (But all I know is that he's cute. Period.)
Cloud. My ultimate crush--cloud. He is from "Final Fantasy Seven". (He is my future husband, you bet!!!)
Gaara. From Naruto--Gaara. (Look at the eyeliner... wehhh!!!)
Sasuke. (Look at the hair... Who comes to your mind?? Ha? As in? NOt so.. giggles...)
Sai. (Actually, we're engaged).
Pain. He's a beauty.
Kira Yamato. From Gundam Seed Destiny.
Natsume. He bears the fire alice... Alice academy hearthrob.
Narumi-Sensei. He has the human pheromone Alice.
Tamahome. From Fushigiyugi. (My first crush)
Sasuke.Full Metal Panic.
Rukawa. Slum dunk dashing romeo.
There you go. The final set of 2010's "Catherine's Crushes in the Anime World". Whatever you may say, I am so inlove with all of them. Next time, I will post my lamentations about life and love life--but I'm getting tired of it already. Shivers!
...How can I not love you when you are gone...
No matter what they say, unmindful of what they do, I still, and forever will be loving you.
Though the whole world may not understand. Others may say I am hard headed. Yes, I admit I am what they think of me. They don't know what I am feeling.
Thanks.
To everyone who patienly listened to everything I said and to those who just pretended to care, still, thank you. You all know that it is slowly killing me. I love him, you all know. But it's just forbidden. I am struggling to fight this feeling off of me. The outcome is still the same. I am still stuck on him-- and only him. Mind you. (I don't care what you guys say. This is me, and this is my life.)
Sorry.
I know I've hurt his feelings for so many times but he was still with me all the way, to support me. This past few months, the relationship and teh kind of bonding we had deteriorated. I don't know what evil factors influenced him.
The last time I saw him, he's still the same. He greeted everyone except me. I bursted into tears when I got home because we used to be the closest. What happened to you ****? I am so sorry if I was not there to help you when you needed me. I am so sorry.
Wish you Well.
I really don't know till when I could stay. As I look around, I can't help but cry whenever I remember all my happy memoires here. I know I am not a lot. I am not a loss. So I am already leaving. I know everyone will be happy. I wish you well guys. I'll miss everybody.
The stars lean down to kiss you
And i lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'cause i'll doze off safe and soundly
But i'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'cause i wish you were here
I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
'til i look at my hands and feel sad
'cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly
I'll find repose in new ways
Though i haven't slept in two days
'cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When i think of you i don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone i don't feel so alone
As many times as i blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight
When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And i'll forget the world that i knew
But i swear i won't forget you
Oh if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling i wish you were here
Ever realized why the love we ever wanted was never granted? Why do we always feel like we are cheated and dumped. This is simply because the love we wanted is not meant for us.
It is like the moon and the earth. We can be close but could never be together. No matter how we try to be good, no matter how we try to make up, your dreams of having the man of your dreams will just splatter especially if your love is not meant to be.
It is like the moon and the earth. We can be close but could never be together. No matter how we try to be good, no matter how we try to make up, your dreams of having the man of your dreams will just splatter especially if your love is not meant to be.
By Catherine Quiao Dicen
Never have I imagined that I will be the only person who will never see
you on your very last day.
The day was fair. January 28, 2007 was the day me and my
friends have waited for since we are expecting to watch a movie. Our biology
teacher gave us a task to research about genetic engineering and genetically
modified foods and/or organisms. The deadline would be the next day. I never
really thought that the day I imagined to be ‘all fun and merriment’ will be
the day I will despise the word “fun”.
Seven-thirty in the morning, my cousin went to our house and
delivered the bad news. Lola collapsed and there would be no one who will watch
over her for my uncle and his family is out for swimming. She has Alzheimer’s
that is why she is kept inside a room so that she will not wander around. It
already happened that my Lola got lost because she looked for something until
she reached another barangay.
My mama got frantic and asked me to go with her and watch
over Lola’s condition but I refused. Our get-together with my friends was
already engraved in my mind and nothing could ever stop that. I insisted that I
still have to research in the afternoon because the deadline was fast
approaching. Mama believed me then; I was relieved.
At about 11 in the morning, hey decided to bring Lola to the
hospital because she was still unconscious and she was snoring- a signal for a
heart attack. Still I didn’t mind. My mind was occupied with happy thoughts and
I was looking forward to that day. One in the afternoon, mama and I got out of
the house for two different reasons; she is admitting Lola to the hospital
while I will be going to the movie house with my friends. The latter reason was
beyond my parents’ knowledge. They thought that I will go for my research
purposes only.
When I got at our meeting place, it seemed as if I forgot
about the commotion with our family. We all headed to the movie house and
watched. While inside the dark place, I was becoming uncomfortable. It was like
I became claustrophobic. I held my chest for a moment for I found it hard to
breathe. The situation was becoming unbearable. I told my best friend that I
was not feeling well. She just told me to calm down and not to worry because
the movie was about to end.
When it finally ended, we went to an internet café to do our
research and because it was becoming dark outside, I was weary. My papa would
really scourge at me for going home late. So we decided to photo copy the
printed research papers.
When I went home, I proved that I was not wrong. Papa has
gone mad and beat me with a broom stick. That brought me back to my senses.
Though after it my legs were full of bruises, it didn’t ache. It was my heart.
The guilt covered my whole being. Papa told me that I was a very inconsiderate
grand daughter. It hurts the more.
The thought of disregarding my granny’s condition was the
most painful part of it all. Though I was in tears, I swore and let out the
four-letter word. I felt so bad. Granny died without me looking over her and
might as well, told her that I don’t know how to start a life without her. So
much remorse embraced me. Then did I start to feel that I was very futile.
Every word that I was saying was useless. She’ll never hear it from me- never.
Until this very day, granny’s third year death anniversary
still hurts. It’s still killing me that I wonder for the 3 years of my
existence since, I was still whole. I managed to survive and I am living this
life for my Lola and only for her.
-ADHIE…
This was the time when we partied our heart out. Oh, I so remember the time I ached my feeet a lot to just give the night's colorful meaning and give in to the call of the rhythm. Well, I just danced and danced till I no longer feel my feet. Funny it may seem, I did get to dance with all of my friends even my so called enemies whatsoever. I'm so chubby that time!!! hahaha I'm proud of my baby fats though and look at my shoulder, it's so fair. I haven't recovered from my swimming in Bahura taht's why I'm not that white compared before.
This picture is dated February 13, 2009- our Senior's Ball way back in High School. It was held at the OK Pension House. (I went home late. Almost 1 in the morning, hahah. Bad Cathereine, Bad... Hahaha...)
By Catherine Q. Dicen
It has been so long seen I haven’t visited my grandparents in Zamboanga Del Sur. The first time I’ve been there was when I was still an infant, a toddler and now; next year I’ll be having my first step to elementary.
The trip via ship was very exhausting but I enjoyed the view very much. Though all I could see is the vast seas and some islands far beyond sight, the excitement deep within me grew much more.
Because papa is working in Malaysia Pagadian City
While we were inside the bus, I haven’t controlled my inquisitiveness. I asked my mother, “Mama, how does Lolo look like?” All the passengers who heard my query laughed. Mama did too. I was really puzzled why they have to fall about it. Was that question funny? (Now I know why. It’s so innocent of me!!! Laughing)
I was really disgusted with the smell of vomits inside the bus-yuck! Why does this kind of people get dizzy this easily? In that case, they should not take a trip by bus in the first place. This trip is becoming too unbearable.
When we finally got off the bus, I automatically filled my lungs with fresh air. It’s so nice to be alive after the tiresome spree. I strolled my eyes with the sight that the place beholds; God! This place is paradise.
The simple houses are peacefully opposing each other separated by the highway. At the back of my grandparent’s house is a bountiful rice field. Trees of different kind are artistically bragging their excellence on earth as the midday sun touches their leaves that sway through the caress of the cool breeze. Beside is a flowing river which endorses its crystal clear water. Some of the village people were having there bath there while others enjoyed chatting about anything and everything under the sun.
My grandma welcomed us. She kissed us all; my Ate who readily recognized her kissed her too, my youngest sister who was very sweet (that time because she was still very young, but now I don’t know- evil laugh.). Because I was still surveying the place with my eyes, I didn’t hear my grandma calling me.
But when I do, mama looked at me as if she was going to pinch me. I went straight up to Lola and hugged her so tight as if there’s no tomorrow. I asked, “Where is Lolo, Lola?” She smiled and sadness crossed her eyes for a while and then she smiled and said, “How sweet of you Adhie to have looked for your Lolo.” Then she laughed, “He’s inside. Come, I know he is waiting for you all.” I followed.
The sight of my mother’s old home brought me warm feelings. I know that my mama was happy to be there too after a very long time of living in Dumaguete with my papa.
My eyes then looked for Lolo. He was there.
Tears fell from eyes as I saw him. The thoughts that he was very strong and that he could still carry me were all misconceptions. He was lying on his bed. Cancer embraced and ruptured my once very healthy Lolo. He had a tongue cancer. He was very happy to see us that he tried to get up of his bed but Lola assisted him so that his back leaned on the pile of pillows behind him.
I run to meet his arms. I sobbed at his shoulder. He hugged me and told me how much he missed me; my good old Lolo. I know he was in deep pain. He just endures the pain. He doesn’t eat. He just drinks milk all the time. I sometimes even wonder how he still managed to be strong- maybe it was for us.
The next days we spent there was all fun. I enjoyed my aunts and uncles’ company. One thing I’ll miss when I got home was the river. There were I learned how to swim.
Our two weeks stay in my grandparent’s haven was full of good memories that I wouldn’t give it away for the world. Months passed, while at school, I felt my heart thumped. I don’t know why. When I got home, I was welcomed by my mama’s continuous sob. I went directly to her room. She was holding a telegram telling her that she must go home because our Lolo just passed away.
I cried with my mom. We all wept for the loss of my grandpa. She went to Pagadian and left us with our aunt because we still have classes to attend to. I was really tormented.
Now that Lolo Billy or Lolo Robert Suico Quiao has long been a part of God’s Kingdom and I’m very sure of it. Though we haven’t been together for a very long time yet until now I could still feel his love. I know that he’s watching over me; my ever loved Lolo. Lolo Billy, I love you so much and I am very happy that you are no longer in pain now. Though you are long gone, we could still feel your presence and love. Lolo, I will always remember you. Many years have passed since you left us yet the love still remains the same. We love you Lolo Billy!
I lengthened my patience, tried to be understanding yet still, nothing happened. Maybe some things are just meant to last only for a while. Or maybe, something's just wrong that we can't try to fix. After all, we're still broken.
It has always been like this. If I am trying to play the mood, the other just can't jive and if I am so fed up, it's when it becomes merry. We're so different.
At first, I already felt that I can't bear the pain yet still I pushed through; hoping that the tired feeling will be gone- nothing happened still.
I'm already tired. I'm fed up. I can't go on. I'm so tired of- DANCING!!!
By Catherine Q. Dicen
Heart stated it was time
Mind adverted and said it was hostile
The two quarreled and gave all their best rebuttal
Yet still the core of affection reined
It was a long path that ended in a crossroad.
The others took the one most traveled
I took the one less paved
And so I started to hike the excursion of no certain destination
It was sinister, bleak and dim.
But I draw together all the courage I had
To carry on the march of no turning back
And is where I’ve reached a stop over.
Will I get on or get off?
Confusion covered my whole being
I don’t know the way back,
Neither is the way out.
I ran, with no exact pace
Unsure of the bearing
I’ve bumped here and there
But I still pushed through
I never know if what I felt dripping was sweat of fret.
No! It was blood! I’m bleeding…
Who will help me?
Is somebody behind me following my track?
I tumbled. I tried to stand but all my senses are drained.
The next thing I saw was darkness
Even a single star is out of sight
And then did I start to fear.
Am I now stuck in this bizarre?
But I was surprised that I was not alone.
I’ve got a lot of companion.
It’s “me, my self, and I”.
Past . . . Present . . . Future
My new perspective for the year 2010 is “LOVE “.
Now that I am a year younger to maturity, and now that I have seen things come and go my way; I could declare that last year has been very prosperous- for me.
He has come back. I don’t know if I should entertain him again (him or the feelings?) now that he will be coming back to Dumaguete, and to my life. Decision’s hard at this very moment. He who made me realize how weak I am. He who made me feel so dumb. But he was the one who made me stronger and tougher from what he has done.
Present. I am so much enjoying his company (feeler of me hahaha ). We don’t have anything that I could brag about but it’s the kind friendship that we have that could make me say “he’s worth the while”. What’s with him that I can’t help but SMILE (he really has something, actually, I hate to smile but I always do when his around).
Future. I can’t say anything about him but (he’s my crush in college). (Evil laugh) Why future? (So assuming of me) Well, future friend really!
Welcome 2010!!! I so love you.
My new perspective for the year 2010 is “LOVE “.
Now that I am a year younger to maturity, and now that I have seen things come and go my way; I could declare that last year has been very prosperous- for me.
He has come back. I don’t know if I should entertain him again (him or the feelings?) now that he will be coming back to Dumaguete, and to my life. Decision’s hard at this very moment. He who made me realize how weak I am. He who made me feel so dumb. But he was the one who made me stronger and tougher from what he has done.
Present. I am so much enjoying his company (feeler of me hahaha ). We don’t have anything that I could brag about but it’s the kind friendship that we have that could make me say “he’s worth the while”. What’s with him that I can’t help but SMILE (he really has something, actually, I hate to smile but I always do when his around).
Future. I can’t say anything about him but (he’s my crush in college). (Evil laugh) Why future? (So assuming of me) Well, future friend really!
Welcome 2010!!! I so love you.
So you are reading???
- catherine
- so you were reading? hehe.. For convenience, just call me Cath,.. I'm a music-lover, I love reading books of any kind, I listen to rock music.. my greatest dream is to write, and be an author of my very own book.. Am I that wishful? hehe... Well, if you happen to be reading my posts...just have patience on reading them, ok? Nice blog hopping!