Forbidden Element

:(

I cried. Dammit! I just cried! That was so not me. What happened to all my promises and daydreams? They're all gone.

God knows how much I love my boyfriend so much. I love him more than my own life and now all of a sudden, I broke his trust. I don't even know if I coud even trust myself anymore.

Dammit! YOu won't see me hanging around with hell! If only I listened to what all my boyfriend told me. If only I had listened to him.

Past I know is past. I couldn't turn around everything that happened. But one thing is for sure, I'll be trusting no one this time. It can sometimes cost you much more than your life to give TRUST away. :(

Though I am still eighteen years old, I could already differentiate what's true and what's fake.

All my life, I lived to please people--even f it means it doesn't please me in return, or even if that means I will get hurt after wards. I seek for people's approval and contentment in everything I do. But what brought about all this changes?

It is the people around me who turned me into the demon that I am today. Just seeing people's pretending faces, listening to their endless back stabbing and enduring all the ridicules they had given to me sucks. So what if I am bad? So what if I am evil? What I want the whole world to know is that I don't give a single damn for people who doesn't appreciate a single thing that I do.

I've come to my senses already. If it is to hate you, I will!

Truth is that I really hate you! I will hate all of you for being so plastic. I will despise the very day I came back. Things willl really change for sure but there is one thing I am very sure of, I will never forget all of the things I kept inside of me. Thanks for all the criticisms, for all the ridicules, for all the judgments, for all the times you belittled me and most of all--for making me believe that I am still welcome. I was very wrong on the very first place. And I will forever be remorseful for that.

Thank you TN for showing me the different sides of people. For teaching me a lesson that not everyone can be trusted, that not everyone is your friend. To all the TN people, thank you for wasting your time on me! I am pretty sure I did waste my futile time too but atleast I now have the guts to tell all of you that you have been so unkind. Continue that attitude and I am sure that in no time, you will devour your selves. All of  you who are thirsty of power! Which would somehow lead to corruption (maybe not through money but in terms of other people's lives and time!)

Well, If I may say, I found a few friends in TN. Just very few of them. And I want to thank all of them before my life ends.

To Kenneth for being my true friend. frank as you are Ken. I know that all the words you told me were true. The criticisms were constructive and I appreciate all of them. Thank you for being a crying shoulder. You of all the people in TN has that much sense when I talk to. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and for believin that i could still change Ken...that somehow, someday, I could transform for the better as much as you did. You know Ken, I would have had bawled my eyes out for that. Your kind words touched what's evil inside my heart. I'll forever look up to you Ken. You have my prayers.

Janet. We're all in this together jan. No one understood me as much as you did. No other person in the whole universe soothed me as much as you did. I love you so much jan and thank you for staying after all this time. For always being there. That means a lot to me jan. You know it does.

Cherry. Thank you for always being sweet baby Cher. Stay the same always and remember to fight for your self whenever there is a need to. You have my blessings.


Arvin. To my one and only goi, thank you so much for being one of my sweetest boy best friend. For being true and simple all this time. I love you goi and you know that. Good luck i n every thing you do and God will bless you. I know that. :)

For them who remained tue and for them who remained hostile, I still thank you for molding me into someone that I am today. Thank you but Go To Hell!!! to the people who continuously dragged me down. I hope you will get down and feel down as much as you did make me feel all this time!

Don't want to remember any of those moments, it will only remind me that I am nothin and I can't do anything. Don't want to  expect things that are substantially coming, just don't want to get disappointed and dissed at the ending. Don't want to put my head up  if my insecurities are too heavy that they wager much of my confidence, way down low. I don't want to remember. Sometimes, I wish that I can't remember a thing  after tomorrow. There are lots of things that happened before that stain my being. I WANT TO MOVE ON. But people keep on reminding me that I can't, that I am stuck, and that I can't ever be forgiven of the mistakes I made before (never-ever.)

I will never get tired of thanking the people who were there for me whenever I am too much dazed by my heartaches and sorrows. People who never got tired of considering that who they got with them is little EMO Catherine. That she is so fragile, that she needs love, that she isn't perfect, that she's full of insecurities, and that what they just have to do is to sit by my side and promise me they will never leave me. That's just it.

Leaving. I want to leave but I hate people leaving. I hate people turning their bare backs on me. I h ate it when I was with them all the time and that they will just dump me after all the things I have been through for them.

I am Evil. Yes, I know that. I have always been evil. I killed people. I despised my parents. I am an atheist. I commit adultery, I am a certified glutton. And what? Is that all that they want to hear from me? That I am a daughter of Lucifer himself. Is that what they want from me? Is that all that they can say? What else?  Tell me things I haven't heard of about myself! TEll me!

I have long had forgotten the heartahes and sorrows but people tied me and are dragging me back to hell. And there is nothing I can do now but cry and envy those people who are free of judgments and screws. I wish I am like them. But that will never happen.

I always hear this song whenever I play the radio on (that is to help me induce some sleep). Train's really got ways to capture the hearts of their listeners. At first, I dislike train for their "Hey, Soul Sister", like hey, I don't understand the message of the song or what they are making the people understand.

Marry Me is a song which is full of love. It is also stated in the song how much the guy really wants to be with the girl for the rest of his life and how much he is willing to give just to make the girl happy by his side.

The song is giving me goose bumps whenever I hear it. It's like hearing a brand new song everytime it is being played on air. Someday, not that soon perhaps, I wish a man would also gather all his guts to sing me the same song. You know I am hopeless romantic that I would prefer a guy who is courting me in the old school way. Flowers, chocolates, love letters and the guy's gentle manner will easily flatter me. But where on Earth could I probably look for that guy?

Ayeyyeyey.... I know something and I won't tell you anything... Atleast now, I could already say that whatever may happen, I coud already die bearing in mind that I already knew real and true love. I am happy now. Not taht secured though, but atleast, I got less fears now compared before. Chow!

(Gotta update my blog next time if I feel like there is worth blogging for...bye..I'll miss you all guys.. thanks for reading my blog.:))

One step at the time. I am taking my time so slowly but surely. I am enjoying every bit of my stay here in my workplace. I couldn't be any happier. Isn't this the one I wished so hard once upon a time? Because \i am already here, the job is almost a breath away....I won't let it slip away from my fingers. I know that there's so much to life. But my job training is one of the most important things that I have to prioritize as of the moment.

I need to cope up. I need to cope with the night shift as soon as I can. I really have to or else I'll drop dead. Now (as of the moment, I snached a time from my one hour lunch break to blog. this is one thing I couldn't think of giving up.)

Though I know I'll soon be exposed to the verbal and speaking world, I know what my first love is. And that is writing. I live to write, I breath to write. That's my craft, my worth, and my life.

Chances are. Cahnces are that after I'll be officially hired, I will save money to buy myself a laptop. That has been a dream of mine. (Now I am confident in dreaming, because I know that dreams do come true; especially if you are brave enough to risk the things you know you wouldn't afford to let go.)


Saying goodbye. TN is my first love. Everyone knows that. But there will come a time that TN will no longer need me. There are a lot of writers who are more deserving of the place in the pub. I have to say goodbye. Soon enough. Yeah, maybe soon.

I already have my resume! Gawd. Can you think about that? I already have my resume so I can already apply! Hope I'll get in so that I could get my life straightened out already. I badly need this job so that I could prove to my parents that I am also someone who is of worth.



I can't even imagine, what I'll give just to get the job. Look. I have waited for almost a lifetime to turn 18 so that I can legally work and now that I am already here, I won't let anyone to spoil my feeling. I'll gotta keep my fingers crossed till tomorrow so that nothing bad will happen.


I already promised mama many things so I should get it anyway possible and impress the one who'll interview me tomorrow....:)

If I am not mistaken, this is already the fifth day of my ever kill-me-I-want-to-die malady. It seems that I am losing my cognitive sense. 

I've been sick for the entire week and I am so glad that my mama is there for me all the while. I love you mama. 

Though she washes the dishes instead of me, she still lets me drink my medicine.
Though she cleans the house and sweeps the floor and all, she gives me a therapy.
Though she cooks for our food everytime and rests a little at day, she doesn't leave me astray.


I love you mama and I will always be your Adiek. 

It hurts to see you cry. I know that I am not a perfect daughter but for us, my sisters and me, you are the best mother, protector, guardian, best friend, counselor, adviser and nurse, rolled into one. Our life is not perfect but I can't imagine living it without you mama.


I love you mama. Though I feel like dying because of my endless coughing, sneezing and all, I am somehow happy that we get closer each time. This way, I am happy that I am sick, because my mama is taking good care of me. I LOVE YOU MAMA. ♥

When I'm sad I cry. Bow. When I am sad, I cry. This things are just very common for a pessimist like me. I always feel sick. I feel like I am always ready  to quit.

I am so pissed off today. My day started wrong and everything seems like crap. I don't know if I could still carry on pretending that I am okay.I am so pissed of and there is no other adjective that could define what I am feeling today!

There's an unknown feeling in my chest. I don't know what it is. Don't even know why I am like this. Missing you is far behind my mind. That was long gone. Gone and will never be come back. That was almost a year now. A year of emotional torture. A yer of endless hopes and dreams. A year of lies and pretending.

That was almost forgotten. Not now. Please not now. Not now that I already thought I've moved on. Why won't you leave me alone? Why am I affected with every sad song I hear, feeling like that was our wasted love story. Oppressed? No. Not a chance on that. You don't know how it feels to be stuck. I am long stuck on my ground and somehow I don't know the way out. Help? No one on his right mind will, I guess. Everyone thinks of themselves. Almost all are selfish. All including me. But I could no longer lie to myself.

How many blogs have I posted about me missing you? Yet, not even one of them have you read. Right?. You haven't read even one of my dull, emotional, and suicidal moments because of you. You are selfish! I hate you! I hate you for moving on. I hate you for being happy. I hate you for living your life well. I hate you for stealing all my wit, for taking with you all my sense of happiness, for making me bitter and sounding like i am sour graping.

I hate the moments of me lying just to protect you, the moments which I should have had spent sleeping than spending with you. I hate hearing songs like those of your favorite. Guess what. You were nothing special. You're not even good looking. You are a bore. You are a boo. But you were so mysterious, seems like lost in your own web, and before I knew it, you got me tangled with you.

I want to let go, to run away, away from here. Away from you. Away from your grim memories. Go to hell. I curse the day I believed in everything you said to me. I curse myself for ever believing you. Lastly, I curse you for making my life a total waste! I hope this is the last tine I'll waste my time on you. I should forget you by any means. I should do that before I lose my psyche.


I'll be a devil this time to curse you and your happiness. I'll be selfish this time. I will make your life miserable! If it's the last thing on Earth I'll do. I'll make you suffer like what you did to me. I will make you cry. I will make you feel like dying all the time. Revenge is not the word to describe what I want to take on you. You will soon wish you're better dead. You will soon curse your life. You will soon find yourself chasing for happiness yet you can't get any of it. Sooner than you think, things will slip from your fingers. Any time, this time, you will suffer like I  did.


That way I will rest my peace. That way I can be contented. In that way, I can get all you took from me. That way, I can rest in peace----forever.

Like mad, I walked from our terminal to school. I guess that was at least a kilometer. I feel like I've been to a marathon. I feel so consumed. Maybe I am just tired of walking. I shouldn't associate this with being tired of life. Like any emo would do.... hahaha

It really seems to me like everyone is really ready for the fall. How about me? Am I ready to take on the challenge of being away from school, friends, family and etc.? But I know this is for the better. Though I know that I am doing this for myself, a lot of people will benefit from my self-improvement--especially those who care for me.

Anyways, I already smell the scent of summer. Leaves from stoic trees are almost turning brown which is a healthy sign of summer. I used to love this season. But I don't know if that will still do now. I don't know.

Years aback, I remember myself falling in line, with the best students of the school, wearing that euphoric smile under the scorching heat of the sun. Not minding the jitters of sweat running down my forehead to my chin, I just smile knowing that a good year has ended and I will be awarded, again, and as always, the first honor.

But now, I don't feel the same triumph. My parents can no longer be proud of me. I am lost. While others are planning where to go this summer, I am planing to take a big leap with my life. A leap, a  jump, a jump to leap, or whatever they call it. They just don't understand. And maybe you who's reading this won't also understand. I need time to recover everything I've broken. I need to settle all my insecurities to function well and better next time. I should think that it will not be the end of the world if I leave school, or if I stop schooling. I need to make people understand that I need to mend my behavior. I am a total wreck, can anyone tell that to me? I am a procastinator. I won't be able to be productive as before if I won't do what is needed of me to do.

Have you even noticed that  I am unhappy? No, you actually don't. For you, I am just over reacting. I am OA. That is what you always say. But we are different. What makes you happy might not make me happy. What brings you tears might give me a hearbreak. YOu don't know because you don't ask. You assume that everything is okay. No, it is not. No, I am not okay. The truth of the matter is that I have been a pessimist since I graduated elementary. I thought, and that thought was inculcated in my mind and soul for the past  six years of my life, THAT NO MATTER WHAT I DO, MY PARENTS WON'T BE PROUD OF ME.

That has been my problem for more than 6 years. I am in pain for more than six years because of that. Apathy didn't help me. Because truth is that I am still hurt, until now that my parents were not happy that very day of my graduation in Elementary. Now I know my problem. I have been insecure and unproductive all this time because of that. I guess a psychologist can figure this out easily, or a psychiatrist.

I've always lived to please my parents. I thought what would make them happy would also make me happy. That was what I thought. That was why I am now destructed. Now I know. Now you know. Now i know, at least, that my problem has been defined. Next step is to look and think of the best solustion to this problem and I've figured that first before knowing what my problem really was. I have the solution. And I'll do whatever it takes to make things right this time. No matter what the consequences are.

Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out. Cough it out.


There's that. Do I still need to write details of my coughing catastrophe this days? That's it. My cough sounds like a bang. I hate it. I'd rather die than to cough in front of my boyfriend. That's how worse it is. And to think he's studying premed in Cebu Doctors University. Would it be sweet if I'll be his first patient?

 

Haven't you noticed that everyone is aching to give you a punch on the face? Or are you just that insensitive that you are hurting people with your don't-know-what attitude. My God. When will you ever learn. I just hate you so much. But I guess my wrath and grudge would just send me to grave earlier than you. I don't want that to happen. I want to be there, standing, wearing all red on your funeral. I will never leave till I see you buried 6 feet below the cold ground. 

GOODBYE MY ALMOST LOVER.....

I ain't mad. It's just that it's very different if you tell your biggest secret to anyone person than they will to others. First is that I can't justify myself. I know what i did were all unforgivable, but, at least, give me the benefit of the doubt. I ain't that bad. I just loved and thought it would be forever. If you'll gonna ask me if I would do those things again. I think I still will. I just loved and would never regret it.

Secrets are secrets. Secrets are supposed to be kept. I trusted people to keep my secrets because I know they will keep it and guard it with their own lives but I guess I am wrong.

The reason was absurd. I would never bring up your secrets to other people if I am mad at you at that moment. I will never do that. I am just hurt. I am deeply hurt. I didn't even tell my ever dearest best friend about what happened because I know she will never forgive me. But I guess it was a lot better if she knew, because I know she will keep it forever. Oh, how I appreciate my best friend at this very moment. She's been a dear friend--a real friend.

I ain't mad. But you know that secrets are secrets and I really think your reasons are absurd. I ain't mad--just hurt. 

Since having a party is too icky, I decided to have a simple celebration with my family and friends. Here's what happened.

December 12, 2010
12:00 am= my uncle came to our house and said that my aunt was about to give birth
8:00= of course, my special someone greeted me. Bwahahaha...
9:00= my aunts and other relatives from afar greeted me too
10:00= bonding with best buds
and the rest of the day was spent on the hospital, my aunt already gave birth to our newest baby boy cousin, baby Kenth.

I already finished reading the 313 page e-book on tempting the prince by patricia grasso and I just fell in love. Sometimes I often wonder if fairytales do come true. Does it?
I haven't experienced one. Hmmmp. Here goes bitterness again and I just hate it. It's okay, after this eyebags will be gone, so is my bitterness. I just need sleep.

P.S. Please bare with my grammar and other english technical stuffs and whatever. If you think I am talking shit, it's just that I lack sleep. Need to sleep now. ADIOS!!!<3

Because of the cold weather, I just can't help but browse and follow the blogs of my friendships in TN. In my blog hopping quest, I stumbled upon the name which I am struggling to shake away off my system (what system does include the heart especially when it's broken and bleeding?) for a few months now. I admit that our relationship wasn't that splendid as what others think it was. Sometimes, while I am lying flat on my bed and thinking about the things that had happened, I deeply wish that we didn't cross the line of friendship to being lovers--that is if he did ever love me.

That was the summer of 2010. After my TN pipz visited me (that was our fiesta), we started texting each other and started talking about nothings and whatever (though that wasn't the start of our phone conversation). An everyone, I guess, knows what happened next and etcetera.

We both tried to keep things up to us, to keep us together but the effort just drifted us away from each other. He said he was hurt. I don't know if he was telling the truth since we weren't seeing each other. I am hurt-deeply by not seeing him, by him not being there for me whenever I need him. Wonder was far more than what I felt that time and I asked him what brought the change and he would not answer. The effort to reach out always comes from me and somehow, I reached the point of being tired. Tired is an understatement really. HURT can't also fathom half of what I experienced all at once.

When I threw my hands up and gave up, he said he respected my decision and was hurt about what happened but I don't know still if what he said was true. I don't know because I can't see him.

You know what was the sweetest thing that ever happened to us for me? That was when he rushed to our house in May, thinking I was already half-dead for stupidly drinking a bottle of astringent. When he saw me, he nearly jumped to me and hugged me ever so tightly and scolded me like a father to his daughter. I smiled then. And we talked nonsense. When it was time for me to go back to our house, he held my hand and hugged me tightly again, as if he's never gonna let go and looked into my eyes and said "I LOVE YOU".


In my 17 years of lifetime, that was the first time a guy told me he loves me in person. After that night, we keep texting each other and he keeps visiting me at night. We just sit on his motorcycle, look up the sky to gaze at the myriad of stars, admire the moon, and talk nonsense again. I would say that I miss those times. I miss him. I miss us.

But I just so guess that he has already moved on. I am doing my best to move on though--God knows how much I am trying. As of the moment, everything is fine. He's got a girlfriend now, I am still alone, wondering what went wrong and is trying to pick up the shards of my heart from all that life has offered me. Looking back, I'm so glad that I am still alive.

I want to forget him. Everything that we had, and everything that we could have been. I want to be happy. I want to move on. But I guess time heals the wounds. I will recover some time--I hope soon. Because it's too hard to look at couples so happy at this point in time. I just hope and pray this, too, shall pass. Help.

Why would I try to forget chocolates when in fact they have been there for me ever since the world began. Who was there for me when I first got my heart broken over a boyfriend who was four years older than me. That time, I was so childish and selfish while he has his dreams to pursue. Anyways, who was there for me when I had my emotional outbursts at 2am in the morning? How about when I lost my mind over trying to move on and still hasn't, spending Christmas Eve, New year's Eve and my 18th birthday crying.

Get over it? Like never! Though I don't have stocks of chocolate in my cabinet, I would presumably crawl to the nearest relative for choco back up. So who the hell on earth would get me away from my chocolate love?

There are a lot of people who think that they are worth the praise for every good thing that will ever happen to the world. It is as if they own every credit for the improvement of everything and worth to scourge if one is wrong. I HATE PEOPLE WHO THINK HIGH OF THEMSELVES!!!


There is a big difference between professionalism and being educated. You are even very lucky if you have these both. What i think of as very absurd is the very fact that one of the pillars of the society, one who finished a Doctorate degree in philosophy, one who is very much looked up on to, seems to act very unprofessional at some times.

Is it right to condemn the whole publication just because of a simple typographical error on the headline? I even know that the most prestigious and trusted newspapers in the whole world commit the same mistake not just once. What's the use of an "erratum" by the way?

I just hate it how she called us stupid and dull. Though she is very far from us when it comes to educational attainment, I believe that no one ever has a single right to insult anyone even how high she thinks of herself and how low she thinks of the other. Everyone is fair in the eyes of God and even thus the rule of law says that no one is above the law.

Though everything is okay now, I still can't accept the fact that she insulted everyone of us. We were humble enough to accept our fault and we tried to patch things up and she still didn't accept what we proposed. "twas just so impossible! I can't think of it as motherly. I just hate it. This is my blog so I suppose I have very single right to post whatever I feel about the things that are happening around me. This would be all for now. I just hope that she won't do that to others ever again.

There'll be no more youtube, plurk and facebook in the office starting last night. What would I say? Well, it's okay. In one way or another, it is beneficial for the staffers; so that we'll focus on news scouting, editing, blogging and writing more, and more news articles. That's the purpose of the existence of the publication anyways.

Where will I plurk? I started gaining lots of friends in plurk. But I won't fret, the skylab is open for me to plurk up to my heart's content. With facebook, I can connect with my far-off relatives but I started feeling bored about it then. YOUTUBEing has been very boring for me already because we get to hear the same songs everyday and it somehow makes my ears bleed.

For the improvement of all the staffers, without plurk, facebook, or youtube--YOU CAN COUNT ME IN GUYS!!!!!! I PROMISE TO COOPERATE. =)

If it can't be seen in your screen.... my apologies. Well, this video is my favorite song way back in elementary. Looking back, I remember my first crush before who was Miko Kirk. LOL. He's now in Cebu. I'm suck here in Dumaguete still but it's alright. I love my life now. Thanks for "Always come back to your love" by Samantha Mumba.....=)

I"M TIRED.... CAN ANYONE SPARE ME IN????....

I know I haven't done anything bad so why would I repent? Acting like Ms.Little perfect won't suit me. There are lots of people even committing heinous crimes everyday so why curse only one person. That is what's making everything wrong. Almost all are good in judging people yet they don't look at themselves if they haven't even done the same mistake in their entire lives. Just  because they weren't dragged in the same situation, they already act and come clean as they can be. Hey! like no one in this world is perfect. Don't judge as like you are God. Where's your gavel? your jury? I think ignorance is really your new best friend.

Because I don't know what to blog about, I just would narrate about how happy I am today. One of my major problems in life is already dismissed and that is of a super and major thank you to myself. If not for that, I would have had gotten crazy over this coming days.

The question was really this, why would I be afraid of using peace talks to recover my problems. Lahat naman ay nadadaan sa mabuting usapan. I should have had tried to that before, I should have had saved a whole month of nervous breakdown and psychosomatic self . I couldn't be happy enough. Should I thank my lucky stars? I really want to.

Second, I am very absorbed to writing short stories. Please, give me subjects. My mind is too preoccupied with nothing and it's too embarrassing for a writer like me.

Why am I scared to write about how I feel in my blog? This is my blog anyways, my private niche of thoughts.

I said last Dec.31, 2010 that I would  already get over him. But that was real denial actually, coz the heart of the mater is that I was still not able to move on. But I was so surprised that the following days, I tried to see the light of things. I saw happiness. Maybe that is happiness. Is it?

Last na to promise. Ive already gotten over. That is why I'm so happy.

I am now happy. I choose to be happy. Don't ask me why, I just feel so. Don't spoil the feeling. Please don't. If you don't, just stab me instead.u...i'm so happy.:)

I am really not feeling well...emotionally. My heart aches so much, and my mind is so tired of thinking. Can the world excuse you from thinking, feeling, and breathing? I sometimes wonder if one can die for a while just to feel that he was once alive? Would that be really possible? Perhaps, if one is in comma.

I slept last night with all grim thoughts cycling in my mind. Wondering why I did afford to sleep with all doubts, fears and aches that occupy my mind....wow, amazing.

Die. Am I not dead yet? Is that for sure? Cause I am really tired of feeling, breathing, hurting, being scared and all the more disappointed. I hate myself, for I can't defeat the lazy, bitchy, liar, schemer, and all the f*** of me.
Can I surrender? I've cried because of my acts. I am so helpless. Am I already crazy? I hope so. So that I could rest in a mental asylum. People won't expect anything from me. They'll talk to me and would get nothing and most of all, I could do whatever I want. I could rest my boggled mind for so long.

As of the very moment, all I want is space. No dictations. No matter what I do, I want myself to care and not other people. I don't want people to say do this and that when I can't do it anymore. I am just so tired to continue but I don't have any choice. Did they ask me if I want this? No. They don't care. I am facing the biggest dilemma of my life but people won't spare me from their reprimands and advices. Well, I must say I don't need them unless I ask for them!

I am just so tired of reiterating that I am tired. When did I start feeling so hollow? NO. It was not ever since. But, I can't remember the reasons anymore. I wrecked my self and people try to put me back to whole again with their acts but they don't know they are just making things worst.

I am so coward. Because if I've ever been strong, I could have had the courage to hang myself with a rope, or have taken sleeping pills to overdose. I feel so discouraged because I don't have any choice. All my life I've always been so afraid of what people will say about me, but now I don't. I am so lost. But people don't see it and refuse to see it.

I am so tired really. One of this days, I would talk to my parents and ask for their forgiveness. I just feel so useless. Maybe if I would do that, they would understand how all this time I feel so guilty and sorry that it makes me numb. It paralyzes  me. My guilt doesn't make me go on. It grabs me by the feet and drag me to hell.

I asked God a lot of time if he could ever help me with this. Who could help me? A psychiatrist? Maybe. I feel so futile. Never have had felt this way before. I felt sorry for a very long time that even myself can't forgive the things I've done. No one will understand. I want to runaway, to escape but there's no place to go. I want to die but death is so far and it seems so impossible. I am losing sight of what they are saying that people live because they have different purposes in life. I don't know what my purpose is. I am so tired and fed up.

I envy people because they have a sense of direction. They are so happy because they had their life all planned out, while I don't know what to do. I am so coward. I don't have the strength to have courage. I don't know how to be responsible. I am so tired.

It has been a week since my chocolate abstinence started. Never have I even imagined that I could come this far, and long to have resisted the charms of melting goodness inside my mouth.

I love chocolates so much. But I have to move on from things which give me too much sweetness at first and would make me bitter in the end. Sad to say, chocolate craving is part of it.

Even just looking at the images of it  would like bring tears to my eyes. I hauled my cabinet already and found chocolates and chocolates and chocolates--a little of my clothes.

Letting go. They say if you learn to love, you should also learn to let go. what happened was that last Saturday,  I gave my goodies away to my cousins. They so love it and I would have loved them in the same manner if it's that much. Would I weep? Am I that over reacting over the loss of my other love? I could compare it to having yourself annulled to your better-half for fifty years. It's just to grim to think that my your relationship which started so long ago would now vanquish.

Moving on. There are a lot of things I do to get over the madness and addiction. Drinking a lot of water I guess helps a little, at least. But the fluid doesn't flood down the feeling of a broken heart over the loss of chocolates in my system.

Goodbye my love. Thanks for the times we shared. I could still remember myself waking up in the middle of a stormy night, crying for absurd reasons, and get a taste of you. Fare thee well chocolate love. So much for love, sweetness and obsession.  I'll get over you soon.

“Getting ready First Lieutenant?” Captain Arvin Vasquez asked his younger brother James who is in the process of cleaning his M16A2 rifle with a piece of cloth.
He gave a fleeting smile to his older brother and continued wiping his service firearm. “Yes captain, ‘tis for peace, our families, and for our country.”
Arvin sat beside James on his bunk and tapped the latter’s shoulder. “I am very proud of you, James.”
James just shrugged and continued his errand. “Captain, you know that this is really what I wanted from the start; to be an instrument of national peace and protect the welfare of the people.” James told his brother proudly.
Arvin just smiled and added, “…and to make father proud, don’t you?”
Their father General Antonio Vasquez has been known to be one of the bravest soldiers the country ever had. He saved a lot of citizens from wars in Basilan and Sulu, and brought stillness to some secluded places in Mindanao which were ruled with insurgents. But he lost his life five years ago in a bomb explosion over the army’s main quarters among hundreds of soldiers who were injured.
James mind wandered off somewhere. “I want to be like General Vasquez. I promised him that I would protect you and mother by all means.”
“Wherever he is now, I know father is very proud of you, first lieutenant.” Arvin gave James a tap at the back and returned to his quarters.
The militia already got off their armored vehicles and dispersed to different points securing the whole area. Others were already helping the civilians vacate the village while some waited for instructions and signs of probable adversary.
Soldiers hid behind the bushes and at the back of trees when a loud blast reverberated. The troopers aimed at points were rebels came out and fired. An exchange of gunshots agitated the seemingly peaceful community.
After an hour trade of blasts, many radicals who are wounded were arrested whilst soldiers who are injured were brought to the quarters and given medical aid.
“Clear the area! But be careful. There might be buried improvised explosive devices anywhere.” commanded Captain Vasquez to his soldiers.
“Sir, yes sir!” answered the army and proceeded on clearing the vicinity.
Arvin didn’t see his brother James after the troops were disseminated. “Garcia, have you seen first lieutenant Vasquez?”
“No sir! I thought he was already here.” answered one of his troopers.
Arvin went far behind the forest to find his brother. Smokes from the blast almost fog the woods and he hardly sees what is ahead of him. On foot with his rifle, he persistently searched for his brother. He suddenly heard a moan behind a huge tree and instinct told him it is James.
Swiping the bushes and grasses, he called out, “James! Are you there?”
James who got his left foot injured and stuck on an IED implanted on a tousled root of a tree heard his brother and cried for help. “Captain, it’s me!”
“Heavens! What happened to you?” Arvin said after spotting his brother sprawled on the ground with his leg gushing with blood.
“A rebel shot my left leg and knocked me unconscious. He placed me here with an IED. It’s impossible for me to get out of here brother.” James wept bitterly.
Arvin felt his heart crumpling and said, “No! You aren’t gonna die here. I’ll see what I can do to safely discharge the bomb.”